Weigh in 178.5 and VACATION!

Well, I weighed myself yesterday morning before we left for Palm Springs. I was up another lb, now I’m back at 178.5. I should be upset but you know, this last week has been a blur. I didn’t have time to work out at all, and try as I might, I couldn’t control my appetite either. I think when I get overwhelmed with too much going on (whether it’s for fun or work or just trying to get everything done before leaving for vacation) I can’t focus on being healthy.

After the Fat Tuesday celebration, I had to be at a meeting at 7:30 a.m. on Wednesday. I slipped away from work for Ash Wednesday church at noon, and then had a full afternoon at work, including a “personnel” issue (I hate those!!!) Then hubby and I went to the symphony on Wednesday night (Itzhak Perlman, who was incredible!!!). Thursday I had tons to finish up at work, also a therapist appointment, and had to take B to the sitter. By the time I got home Thursday night, it was 8:30 and I still had to pack for our Friday flight. I didn’t get to bed until almost 1 a.m. and then I got up at 6 a.m. With my b-day on Monday, that’s 4 busy days with 4 late nights in a row.

As I think I’ve established from earlier posts, I don’t do well when I’m stressed AND tired AND emotionally drained (from seeing my therapist…not a bad thing, just part of the process). I definitely need my full 8 hours of sleep or I start to lose it. Then I started to notice my left foot hurts to walk on it…not really bad but I’m a bit concerned.

The good news is…we are now here at our cozy little resort. YAY! The sun is shining, and it’s going to be 80 degrees today! I was so tired yesterday, when we got here, I did nothing but sleep. Last night, hubby was concerned that I was “not happy” to be here because he’s used to seeing me be upbeat and pretty energetic. I told him, the fact is I am thrilled to be here, just worn out. He gave me a foot massage so my foot feels better today.

And overall, I’m feeling much better today. I’m drinking my coffee right now, and I think I’ll give my foot a rest and work out in the pool this morning. A friend of ours is arriving later this afternoon to spend the week with us here, and I’m looking forward to that. I do intend to try to make healthy choices this week, including no sweets (which I gave up for Lent anyway) and not drink too much. So I should come out okay weight wise. In fact, it should be even better than last week, because I’ll have the time and energy to take care of myself; plus time to catch up on everyone's blog.

I hope everyone is having a good weekend, and I’ll see you all tomorrow!

HAPPY FAT TUESDAY!

My birthday was very nice. Hubby bought me a bouquet of flowers, a Happy Birthday balloon, and a card and we had some friends over for dinner. We had an antipasto appetizer of olives, marinated white beans (YUM!), cheese and salami, then Caesar salad. For the main course hubby fixed his special pasta which was truly spectacular. For dessert, he baked a peach upside down cake with toasted pecans. To drink, we had a lovely Chateau St. Jean merlot. I tried to eat rationally, and I think I succeeded. I ate small portions of everything and only had 2 glasses of wine.

Tonight is my annual foray to Seattle with my girlfriend and her daughter for Mardi Gras. We spend the evening at a bar called The New Orleans; then we stay overnight in a Pioneer Square hotel so that we don’t have to drive home after drinking. We have been doing this for at least 15 years.

Hubby is never too thrilled about me going, because of some of the violence that has occurred in the past during this celebration. In 2001, things really got out of hand and there was rioting in the streets, including one murder and many instances of physical and sexual assault. Since that time, the police have really cracked down on poor behavior, so nowadays it’s all pretty tame. Still, hubby worries that someone is going to jump out of an alley and attack me. In his mind, I’m still this cute, vulnerable girl he met in 1988, and back then I had a proclivity for drinking way too much. Yes, I understand his concern, but I’m not willing to stop this long-standing tradition with a friend. I just do what I can to try to ease his mind. I don’t drink nearly as much as I did back then, and in this age of cell phones, I always call him several times during the evening just to let him know that I’m okay. I usually start to fade about 10 p.m. anyway, so the past few years, I’m in bed in the hotel room by 11 p.m.


So, bloggers, I hope everyone has a great day and I’ll see you all tomorrow.

Getting ready for a crazy week

The visiting dogs have gone home. So B is once again “top dog” around here.

I’m watching the Oscars right now. Who knew Hugh Jackman could sing & dance like that? I’m impressed in spite of the low expectations I had for him as host. Sometimes I don’t know why I watch this show. Well, yes I do…hubby likes to watch it. I, on the other hand, get a bit annoyed at the self-congratulatory, overblown crap, all these actors LOVE to talk about how brave and honest each other are. They're actors, for God's sake. It’s not like they are risking their lives in combat or curing cancer or doing any of hundreds of truly selfless occupations. These people get paid huge salaries to pretend they are someone other than who they are. Please! It’s called “make believe!” I have a hard time thinking of this as “brave” or even “honest.” I enjoy movies as much as the next person, but I think the importance of what these narcissistic people do is totally over-inflated, especially in their own minds.

I’ve tried to stay OP all weekend but I’ve not been very motivated. I did have a good walk with the dogs yesterday. Today B & I went to the park for 30 minutes. Food has been okay, nothing too bad nor too good.

The next 2 weeks will probably be a bit difficult to stay OP. Tomorrow is my birthday. Tuesday is Mardi Gras and I always go to Pioneer Square in Seattle with a girlfriend to party. Wednesday night hubby & I are going to see Itzhak Perlman at the Seattle Symphony. Thursday night I have to pack & take B to the sitter, because on Friday hubby & I are going to Palm Springs for 8 days for some sun and fun. And, damn it, I also have a full week of work this week, too. Don’t you just hate it when work interferes with your personal life???

I do intend to try my best these next two weeks. I’ve already talked to hubby about Palm Springs, and how we need to try to maintain some sanity with eating. I’ll also be able to work out every day while we’re there. My biggest issue will probably be overconsumption of alcohol...not in the sense that I get sloshed, but in the caloric sense. I will have my laptop with me, so I’ll be able to keep in touch with everyone. I hope this will keep me accountable to stay within some guidelines or boundaries.

I’ve already chosen my birthday dinner…hubby makes several wonderful pasta dishes, but one is his signature dish. It’s made with Italian sausage and red peppers and tomatoes, and Dreamfields pasta, of course. I’ll also have a glass or two of wine with dinner and won’t overdo it.

Well, I hope everyone is having a good evening. Sorry about the rant about the Oscars...

I am...THE DOG WHISPERER

I am all powerful. I am in control. I speak and they listen…

In the morning, I command them to be quiet until I want to get out of my bed. The pack is quiet. Today on our walk, I spoke in a soft voice. Dogs listened. When I told them to wait for me, they waited. When I told them I needed to put them back on their leashes, they complied willingly. No cheese required.

When we go outside during the day, they pee on command and return to the house. Whenever we go into the kitchen, they stand politely until the food is placed on the floor. They wait until I say “okay” before eating. When I sit on the couch, they lie at my feet. When I try to watch television, they bring me toys to entice me to play with them.

When I go downstairs, they follow. When I go back upstairs, they follow. When I go into the bedroom, they follow. When I go into the the bathroom, they try to follow. If I close the door, they stand outside until I am finished. If I don’t come out quickly enough to suit them, they scratch on the door and try to stick their heads through the door to make sure I haven’t escaped.

I am being stalked by dogs. Please help.

Doggie love

Yesterday was a pretty good day…the dogs & I did the big walk, and I ate OP until we had a pizza last night. I had 3 pieces and a glass of wine. Since it was a medium pizza, the slices were smaller than they would be if it were a large pizza. Does that sound like I’m rationalizing? lol.

Today we’re going on the big walk again. I call it the big walk, because it takes about 50 minutes and no matter how cold it is, I'm always sweating by the time we finish. The last 8 minutes is straight uphill and my pulse gets to the 180's on my HRM, so you know it's a pretty fiendish hill. This particular walk is the only way I can get any true cardio exercise with 3 dogs in tow.

Today is our last full day together, as their mom will back from vacation tonight and will be coming to pick them up tomorrow about 9:30 a.m. I keep telling hubby we need to get pictures of all 3 dogs together. Hubby is the master of the camera, and I honestly don’t even know where it is or how to use it.

I believe that Buster will be very glad when they go home. His nose has been a bit out of joint since they got here. He’s used to being an only dog. When I come home from work, of course I am inundated with doggie love, but during those first moments, I try to single B out for extra special attention. I don’t know if that’s the way you’re supposed to treat “the pack” but he IS my boy, and I think he needs it.

I’ve really bonded with the one named Kermit. He is the more timid of the two visitors, and likes to lie on the couch next to me (which pisses Buster off). Kermie has a very soulful face and likes to sleep on his back, which is totally cute. The other dog Olive is very sweet too, but she is a bit more demanding and so far hasn’t shown any particular interest in getting too close to me. I think she misses her own mom.

Well, we’re off for our walk. I’ll try to post again later today.

Friday weigh in 177.5...up 1.5 lbs

Well, I’m not surprised. I’m up 1.5 lbs from last week’s WI. I’m at 177.5. You can’t have a week were you go to Outback and Chinese buffet and Todai and drink wine and margaritas and not exercise...and then expect to lose weight or even stay the same.

I told hubby that I’d gained, and he did say something that makes sense…it takes a few days to get rid of water weight from salty food. And the food at Todai, although delicious, was pretty salty. To be honest, the filling in the lettuce wraps we had last night was also a bit salty (that’s what made them taste so GOOD! lol). My hands and legs felt really swollen yesterday and still feel that way a bit today. And I do think my leg pain is even related to my legs being swollen.

I'm kind of disappointed in that I was hoping to be under 175 for my 56th birthday, which is Monday. Still, what I’m trying to do is a life change, not a temporary diet/fix.

My normal response to a gain would be to not report it to BLBE, beat myself up all day, obsess about it, either starve myself or go crazy eating crap. Instead, I’m going to report the facts and then today I’m going to drink tons of water, stay OP, take the dogs for our big walk, and (the biggest hurdle for me) I WILL NOT FREAK OUT.

Have a great day, everyone!

Good Intentions vs. Reality

I had every good intention of going for a long walk at the end of the day. However, reality intervened. As I was saying to myself, “time to change into sweats and get going” my boss came by and we had to have an emergency meeting about a personnel issue.

The meeting lasted almost an hour, and when we finished, it was getting dark and was too late to go. It’s supposed to be nice again tomorrow, so I will definitely be taking the dogs on a big walk in the morning.

Dinner was lettuce wraps…the filling was chicken, soy chorizo, and black olives. Delicious.

We’re watching Hell’s Kitchen. I’m writing this so I’m half paying attention, and apparently the girls lost the meat ID challenge and had to eat a bunch of weird entrails. That’s just disgusting. One girl kept puking. And Chef Ramsay just threw a bunch of meat at Seth who had messed up cutting a big piece of meat into steaks. My husband about came out of his chair at that… he couldn’t believe all the meat that was wasted. That’s my hubby…he’s much more worried about the wasting of food than the drama of the episode…lol.

For some reason, my right leg is killing me. I think it’s lack of exercise. We’ll definitely remedy that tomorrow!

A few days of Uh Oh

The last few days have been so hectic. As I was showering this morning, it occurred to me that I had not paid my Visa bill which was due on Feb 17. So, now I’m pissed. I hate to pay the stupid late fee, especially when there is NO reason to have paid late. I mean, I’ve got the money. I just forgot. I’m starting to think there are probably other things I’ve forgotten, so I’m going to spend a bit of time today making a list of things I need to do, both work and personal.

Last night we went to our 2nd wine tasting class, “The Seductive World of Pinot Noir.” I had totally forgotten about it until hubby called to remind me, so I had to race home, change out of my uniform (No drinking in uniform!), and quickly drive to the wine store. We tasted 9 different wines which ranged from okay to spectacular. I will admit that I enjoyed every one. I definitely got a really good buzz on, partly because I had not had much to eat all day, and we didn’t have a chance to eat before the class.

Afterwards, we were starving so we walked down the street to the Todai Restaurant. If you’re not familiar with this restaurant chain, it is basically a huge Japanese buffet. They have hundreds of items that are Asian in nature…sushi, teriyaki chicken, seaweed salad, etc. So you can eat healthy if you are careful, but if you are out-of-control hungry like I was (plus a little “wined” up)…well, I’m sure you can imagine what happened. At least I didn’t eat any of the desserts.

After we got home, I watched the BL episode from the night before. The Pink Team was one I haven’t paid much attention to, so I don’t feel one way or another about the fact that Shanon went home.

Tomorrow is weigh in day, and I’m a bit nervous. I didn’t work out Tuesday or Wednesday. I will have time to work out today, so I’m still planning in my mind what I want to do. It looks like it’s going to be a pleasant day so I’ll probably go for a long walk after work.

More therapy, more insight

Yes, I finished the letter, it’s in the Chief’s e-mail inbox for his approval. We’ll see tomorrow if he liked it.

I had my second session with the therapist this afternoon. It’s amazing how close to the surface my emotions are. I go in thinking “I’ll be tough this time…I’ll tell my story but there’s no reason to cry.” And then I immediately turn into a blubbering idiot. Well, the therapist doesn’t think I’m an idiot, but I feel kind of silly. Except that it does feel good afterward...I’m getting all this crap out of my head.

Based on what I’ve told her so far, the therapist is thinking that my mom may have Borderline Personality Disorder. (At first I thought the therapist was saying “I” (me) have BPD so I was a bit taken aback, until she clarified that she was referring to my mom.) She told me a bit about BPD, so after I got home I looked it up. (I hope I’m not boring everyone but I felt the need to put this down in my blog.) This abridged on-line description of a BPD fits my mom (the way she was when I was growing up, but not so much now) to a “T.”

People suffering from this disorder (BPD) live in a world of extremes. Often they veer between idealizing a loved one and devaluing them causing great turmoil and misery in that loved one’s life.

Individuals with Borderline Personality Disorder are generally not psychotic, however their behavior can seem “crazy” to those closest to them. They often have extreme mood swings that cycle very rapidly through out the course of a single day. They are irritable and anxious much of the time. Loved ones feel they are constantly “walking on eggshells” fearful of doing or saying the “wrong” thing lest it set off the rage of their borderline family member.

Some people with BPD engage in self-destructive behaviors such as over spending, overeating, substance abuse, and eating disorders. Often BPDs may project their own feelings of inferiority on to loved ones whom they then devalue and abuse. Some BPDs physically abuse their loved ones, kicking, punching, slapping and gouging their loved ones with their fingernails. They act verbally abusive to people they know well while putting on a charming front for other people, thus fooling coworkers, neighbors and therapists who may not believe family members stories of abuse. They may appear competent in some situations while acting extremely out of control in others. Child and spousal abuse is common.

I don’t know why, but it makes me feel better to read this stuff. As I read some of the information, I think, “Damn! That was my life growing up!” Maybe it just validates my feelings…it tells me that I’m fucked up for a reason. I didn’t become fucked up in a vacuum.

I feel very blessed to have found this particular therapist. It’s only been 2 sessions, but it seems as if she understands the deep sadness that I’m starting to think I’ve carried around inside since childhood. She is still getting to know me, but she’s already starting to talk about different therapies we can use to help me quiet the negative thoughts that constantly run through my mind.

Now, back to my current, much simpler & happier reality…I ate almost nothing all day because I was so busy; I didn’t work out today; the dogs were ecstatic to see me when I got home; hubby fixed fish (cod, I think) with capers, garlic, and olive oil for dinner; and now we’re watching American Idol; we’re recording BL and I’ll watch it tomorrow. Take care, everyone!

Procrastination and Paperwork

Paperwork & meetings…both are a large part of my job. If I didn’t have meetings to attend, and paperwork to complete, I probably wouldn’t have a job. And I like my job… sometimes I even LOVE my job.

Still…DAMN IT, I hate paperwork. I especially hate doing the paperwork that is a result of having attended a meeting…so I procrastinate. I do this all the time. At the last minute before the “next meeting,” I’m wracking my brain trying to figure out what my notes from the last meeting meant. The notes tell me what the paperwork I am supposed to prepare for the ensuing meeting is supposed to be about. Except I can’t read my notes very well, and my memory is not as good as it used to be.

Today I’ve got one of those situations. By the end of today, I am supposed to have prepared a letter to our State Legislature in support of an issue (since I’m a so-called expert on this particular issue). Members of our City Council will be signing the letter, so it’s got to be factual, intelligent sounding, and sincere. I was asked to write the letter about 3 weeks ago, and today is the deadline. And I can’t read my notes. CRAP! So what am I doing instead of working on the letter…I’m writing a post for my damn BLOG! Still, this is my MO…I always wait until the last minute, start pounding something out on my computer, and come up with something that sounds pathetic to me but apparently sounds reasonable to everyone else. Because (almost) without fail, everyone oohs and aahs about what a great job I did. If only they knew. What a fraud I am…

Okay, now that I’ve cleared my head, I’m going to quickly post this and get back to the job at hand. Wish me luck.

Happy President's Day

Hubby and I have been trying to expand our interests and meet more people, so we joined a wine club a few weeks ago. We went to our first class as members yesterday afternoon. The class was called “Bordeaux 101” and was quite a bit of fun. Hubby is pretty knowledgeable about wine, but I’m not at all, and we spent 2 hours smelling & tasting for various aromas and flavors, like caramel, berry, flowers, etc. There were some really nice people there, and the instructor was very knowledgeable. We’ve signed up for another class on pinot noirs (or is it pinots noir?) this Wednesday. The interesting thing is I really didn’t drink any wine, maybe a half a glass total just from small sips of 8 different wines. I mean, I could have drunk more if I’d been in the mood, but for me it was all just the experience of smelling and tasting.

Today was President's Day holiday, so the dogs and I went on “the big walk” this morning, the same one we took on Saturday. While we were walking through a very wooded area, we could hear an owl hooting nearby. It was kind of spooky and reminded me of that part in the Wizard of Oz in the Haunted Forest. I was “Dorothy” with my 3 little Toto dogs so I started chanting…”Lions and Tigers and Bears…Oh My…” It was such a beautiful day, the dogs enjoyed it, and I got my hour’s worth of aerobic exercise trudging up and down the hills.

Dogs are so wonderful and adaptive…when we went on the same off-leash walk on Saturday, the visiting dogs were like small wild animals. They totally ignored me when I’d call them and they’d run so far ahead I was afraid they’d get lost. They didn’t slow down until they got tired (which took about 45 minutes of full out racing down the trail), so it was a little stressful walking with them.

Well, now that they’ve been with us a few days, they’ve totally adopted me as the pack leader. So on the walk today, they stayed right with me; when they did get a bit ahead, Olive (the more bold of the two dogs), constantly looked back to make sure I was coming. Whenever I’d call them, they’d slow down. It was like they were actually listening to me.

I spent the remainder of the day doing chores, laundry, etc. Although I didn’t succumb too badly, I’ve had the munchies all day. I did have a few extra crackers and a serving of non-fat ice cream which I normally save to eat at night (so I won't have it tonight after dinner). So it will be good to go back to work tomorrow because I always stay OP better when I'm at work (usually I'm too busy to think about eating). Hubby works from home so he’ll get to take care of the dogs tomorrow.

Hubby made a stir fry for dinner, the dogs are all sacked out around me, I’m watching 24 on TV…and all’s right with the world.

Lovely lazy Sunday

Valentine’s Day…a fun day, but not so good from an eating standpoint. That’s okay, it won’t deter me from getting right back on program.

These little visiting dogs are SO cute and sweet and mellow (except they are totally addicted to treats). I'm not sure why, but Buster totally ignores them both.

When we got home from our walk, hubby had a cute handmade card for me and my favorite pasta (made with garlic, olive oil, capers, anchovies, and low carb Dreamfields pasta) for brunch. I was a bit surprised when hubby suggested we also have a glass of wine…I kind of raised an eyebrow it was only noon. But it was a special day and a special lunch. Everything was delicious.

Last night we attended the Gladys Knight concert, at the Emerald Queen Casino in Tacoma. I don’t know much about Gladys Knight, but I have to say, she is an absolutely amazing singer. It is hard to believe she is 64 years old. The so called “American Idols” of this day could take a lesson from her. Throughout the concert, I had variously goose bumps, chills, and tears in my eyes.

The only bad thing about the concert was the smoky atmosphere. Since the casino is on an Indian reservation, smoking is allowed almost everywhere. I’m allergic to cigarette smoke, so I kept sneezing and will have to wash everything that we wore.

By the time we got out of the concert, it was almost 10 p.m. and we hadn’t eaten since brunch. I was so hungry I was almost feeling ill. We ended up eating at Outback, which was not the healthiest of choices. So, what did I eat? I had 2 margaritas (plus the 2 beers I had at the concert); a small piece of bread with butter; a couple of coconut shrimp; a bacon cheeseburger and fries (although I only ate a few of the fries and about half of the burger…the 3 pups got the rest when we got home); and a few bites of carrot cake.

Definitely not an “on program” day, but it was fun and I’m not going to beat myself up over it. Today is another day. We’re going for a walk in the park once it warms up a bit. For brunch today, hubby’s going to make a frittata out of the leftover pasta. Yum!

Happy Valentines Day! Weigh In 176

One more (measly) pound lost. I'm starting to feel in a rut. I was REALLY thinking it would be more. Still, it's not a gain so I WILL BE HAPPY....yes, I will. Uh huh.

I guess I should introduce our house guests...their names are Olive & Kermit. We have had a good time so far. The living room looks like a a bag of dog toys exploded in the middle...lol. I was surprised that B slept in his bed on the floor rather than on the big bed; and Olive slept between hubby & myself. Kermit slept on the floor with B. Today we are going for a big walk, the same walk we took last Saturday. I'll try to take some pictures of the 3 of them to post.

Tonight hubby & I are going to a Gladys Knight concert for Valentines Day. It's not necessarily my cup of tea, but I bought the tickets for hubby who likes that kind of music.

I hope everyone has a great Valentine's Day.

Happy Long Weekend Friday!

Happy Friday, everyone! I'm so looking forward to this long weekend, with the extra day off for Presidents' Day. Yesterday was a non-stop whirlwind and I didn’t have access to my computer so I wasn’t able to blog or read blogs.

In the morning, I had several meetings at work. Then I had to drive about 30 miles for a luncheon, then back to work for a couple of hours. I had tickets to take my mom to the symphony for her Valentine’s Day gift, and since she can’t drive at night, I always pick her up and drive her whenever we go anywhere like that. That’s one hour down to her house, one hour to the symphony, and one hour back to her house. The symphony was wonderful, my mother really loved it, but it was a bit of an exhausting day. Way too much driving in snarly traffic for my taste.

I always stay overnight at her house after our outings…and last night the upstairs bedroom I slept in was so cold I could see my breath! I remember waking up once about 3 a.m. and thinking I was going to freeze to death, it was so cold. My feet felt like blocks of ice all night, and they actually still kind of hurt right now. Mom has a thing about not turning on the heat at night to save money. I kept wishing I had B with me to keep me warm, but he had stayed home with Daddy (Hubby).

The positive side is that I really did a good job eating OP in spite of it being very hectic, and going to a luncheon, etc. Unfortunately, I didn’t have time to workout at all. I don’t know if just going non-stop from 6 a.m. to 11 p.m. counts as exercise…lol.

Today, I’m SOOOO glad to be home. I got home about noon, and B & I just got back from a 45 minute walk. I’ve stayed OP so that’s good too. I feel like I want a nap now, since I slept so poorly last night.

We’re babysitting for my friend's dogs (the ones like B) for about a week while she and her family are on vacation, so we are excitedly waiting for them to show up. It should be a non-stop laugh riot around here until things settle down. It will be interesting to see how B handles sharing the bed with other dogs tonight. Even though they are his good buddies, and he stays at their house when we go on vacation, he's still a bit possessive of me and "his" bed.

Oh, one last thing…since I wasn’t home this morning, I wasn’t able to weigh in first thing this a.m. for BLBE. I promise to do it tomorrow…in fact, I’m kind of excited because I’m feeling some good changes in the way my clothes have been fitting. I really think I’ve lost weight this week, but we’ll find out for sure tomorrow.

An amazing experience

Where to start…

Today was another crazy busy day, but I’m home now and watching last night’s episode of BL. Hubby made green chili enchiladas with low carb tortillas for dinner. Oh, it looks like Blaine got the boot. He seemed to want it, so that’s okay. I’m glad the Brown Team made it through. I find it difficult to believe Aubrey only lost 1 lb…boy was Jillian pissed or what?

I had my first visit with the therapist this morning. I think this is going to be a very good experience. Within 5 minutes of sitting down with her, I was crying like a baby. WHEW!

The first session was 90 minutes, and it was mostly her getting to know me. She asked really good questions and made some observations that were right on. I had about 4 “aha” moments, which were pretty amazing. Yes, my fear of the mirror is indicative of BDD (body dysmorphic disorder). My “problems” definitely stem from having an anorexic mom with alcoholic tendencies, who constantly criticized me for my appearance and weight. She would withhold love and not speak to me for days when she was angry at me, which was often and usually for no reason that a small child would be able to understand. And I learned a new term today…childhood emotional trauma (CET)

Not to over dramatize my early childhood experiences, but CET is basically a form of PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder) and BDD is pretty common under those circumstances. Got all those acryonyms figured out? :-)

Hey, this all sounds so depressing and pathetic, but I feel so good right now! I’m not crazy! Or, maybe I am but at least I have a reason to be…lol. So I have another appointment next week, and I'm excited about it.

Continuing on the positive side, I walked after work for 45 minutes, and stuck with my food program.

Yes, I am emotionally exhausted right now and I just want to go to bed. But I wanted to share this with you all, because the comments and insights and encouragement I got from you helped me take this very important first step towards healing what's inside my head.

So right now, I want to apologize that I haven't had the time or energy in the last few days to catch up with everyone's blog or make any comments. I'll try to do that in the next day or two. My experience today has made me realize how important and helpful commenting is. You never know when that one comment you make might change someone's life.

Have a great evening, bloggers! I love you guys!

Go-To-Meeting Tuesday

Tonight was another late evening. I just got home from my regular every-other-Tuesday meeting, which lasts from 6:30 to 9:30. Some of the people in this meeting are just obnoxious, and we spend so much time on “process” rather than actually accomplishing anything. Damn, it is annoying. Some people really like to hear themselves talk. It's so mentally exhausting, especially after working at my real job all day.

I worked out for about 1-1/2 hours today. 45 minutes (3 miles) on the treadmill, and 45 minutes of weights. I really worked up a sweat! The workout room, which is pretty small, was SO crowded. Thank God for my iPod. I can turn it on and tune out everyone else. Today it was full of guys using huge weights and grunting (can someone please tell me...WHY DO THEY DO THAT? Don't they feel embarrassed to make such gross noises?)…meanwhile there’s me with my little 5-8 lb weights going through my upper body routine and trying to ignore all the macho posturing (I don’t know what else to call it).

I had a pretty good food day, until the meeting with the usual cheese and crackers, and cookies, etc. Yes, I had a few cookies, even though before I went I told myself I wasn’t going to have any. I could have eaten a dozen, but I only had 5, and they were tiny.

Oh, yeah, and tomorrow is my first meeting with the therapist. I’m a little nervous. Just to show you how crazy I am, I’ve been thinking about what to wear to best camouflage my stomach because I don’t want her to think…”Oh, yeah, I sure do understand why she’s got issues about anyone seeing her stomach.”

I haven’t seen tonight’s BL episode…I’m too tired to watch it tonight, so I’ll watch tomorrow. Plus I'm feeling really cranky, so I’m off to bed…

Monday, Monday...

I talked to the therapist briefly on the phone and made an appointment for Wednesday. She seemed really nice, with a good sense of humor. When I bantered with her, she bantered back, in a professional sort of way, of course. I need that. I need to work with someone who sees the humor in what I’m sure is considered pretty serious business. All the same, while humor is good, it's going to be expensive...so therapy is not something I will be undertaking frivolously.

I got a heart rate monitor today, one without a chest strap, but had to take it back to the store after work as it wasn’t working properly…it wouldn’t read my heartbeat. So on the way home, I got a different one that seems to be working fine.

One reason I bought a HRM (other than the fact that I think it’s probably a good idea)…the treadmill at work has those handles that take your pulse and I wanted to compare to see how accurate they are. A more specific reason is for the last 5 times I’ve walked on the treadmill, my pulse goes up gradually as would be expected. Then about 4 minutes into workout, the machine shows my heartbeat taking a dramatic plunge to around 55 bpm. I don’t feel any different when it’s doing that, so I’m suspicious that it’s a just glitch in the machine, not anything with me, but I figured I’d double check.

So, since the first HRM I bought didn’t work, I had to workout tonight without it. There was someone on the treadmill in the workout room, so I put on my hooded sweatshirt and a scarf and took off on a 45 minute walk outside. It was great…the sunset was spectacular and I got back to my building before it got dark about 5:30. I’ll check out what the HRM says vs. what the treadmill says tomorrow.

For dinner tonight, we had mojito salmon from Trader Joe’s with salad and a little rice. Has anyone tried the new “Eating Right” brand low-fat ice cream cups from Safeway? I love the pomegranate flavor. It's really good, and only about 100 calories.

24 is almost over, and I’m about ready for bed now. I hope this post wasn't too boring...Have a good evening, bloggers!

A Mixed Bag

Well, things were going great this weekend...until last night. B & I walked for about 1-1/2 hours yesterday, and I was doing well with food. When hubby asked what I wanted for dinner, I chose sushi, which is pretty healthy. We had a wonderful dinner…sautéed prawn appetizer, spicy tuna roll, California roll, soft shell crab roll. I had 2 boxes of cold sake, which is equivalent to about 2 glasses of wine. At this point, I was quite satisfied.

Then…on the way home, hubby pulls into a DQ…I should have told him I didn’t want anything…but yes, I’m weak! I admit it. He ordered a peanut buster parfait, and I had one too, although I can say, at least I didn’t eat the whole thing. (We talked about it a bit this morning, I should have ordered a small sundae instead of a parfait; I probably would have been just as satisfied. The idea is not to give up everything you love, but to have it in moderation and he agreed.)

We came home and watched a very funny pay-per-view movie Burn After Reading, with Brad Pitt, George Clooney, John Malkovich, and Frances McDormand. It was directed by the same guys who directed Fargo, the Cohen brothers. If you liked Fargo, you’ll like this movie too.

Then, hubby continued to be naughty…I was fast asleep in bed when I woke up to a commotion in the kitchen. I fell back asleep, so I didn’t find out until this morning…he’d made his famous yeast waffles, which have to rise overnight. I don’t know what got into him. I think sometimes his cooking creativity just has to burst out. Yes, if you were wondering, the waffles were indeed delicious.

Alright, so it’s done…it’s all over now. We'll have a salad or something similar for dinner and no more “bad” things the rest of this week. B & I just got back from a 35 minute walk, and now hubby & I are off to buy healthy groceries for the week.

I hope everyone is having a great Sunday.

Another (probably silly) technical question

Occasionally, after I've entered a post, after "comments" where it says at the bottom "Links to this post" there will be a link to a post on someone else's blog. When I click on it and am taken to the linked post, there doesn't appear to be any particular relevance to my post. (However, it is a post I've looked at because it's someone I'm following.)

I didn't put it there, at least I don't think I did. Maybe I somehow did it inadvertently (maybe by just by looking at the post?). This wouldn't be out of the realm of possibility. But rather than guess, I'd love to know. Any concrete ideas on how it got there?

I'm just curious about this. Thanks!

Yup, I did it!

I made the call to the therapist. She probably has a one-person office because I got her message machine. I called once this morning, and when the machine came on, I got nervous so I hung up. Then I decided to try again, so I did leave her a message this afternoon and asked her to call me next week. That was a big step for me, and I feel good that I did leave a message.

Today has been a good day. B & I did a 45 minute walk, then I worked around the house all day...laundry, general clean up, etc. My food has been good, although I'm getting a bit hungry now. Hubby is making another of his chickpea flour pizzas for dinner. He thought he had some shrimp (for topping) in the freezer, but didn't, so he's trying to figure out something else. He's back out in the kitchen now, and I have faith that he'll come up with something, he always does. Oh yeah, there are now good fragrances wafting out of the kitchen. So I get to just sit on my butt while the man of house fixes dinner...what could be better? :-)

A few quick things…including BLBE Weigh In

1. Morning weigh in…177. No change at all. My initial thought was to be disappointed, but on second thought, I realize I should be glad. After last weekend with all the partying, drinking, and eating, no gain is a good thing! It means I got right back on my program (which I did) and didn’t let 2 days of semi-off-program set me up for blowing it the rest of the week.

And it really gives me impetus to keep going, since this week I don’t have any distractions. So I should have a good weigh in next week.

2. After my last post, I got the name of a therapist who specializes in BDD and eating disorders and those types of things. I’m going to call today and make an appointment for next week. There aren’t that many therapists who specialize in this specific issue, so I figure it must be a sign that her office is literally 5 minutes from my office.

At first I was feeling bad (as usual) about myself, realizing how screwed up I am in the head. Then I got to thinking…how exciting! To actually have the opportunity to get some peace in my thinking after 55 years. What a blessing!

3. Blogging is so helpful for many reasons...

Besides being a compulsive eater, I have always tended to be a compulsive spender, not on big ticket items but on a lot of small things. I've never really sweated it, because I always justified it that I have a good job and can afford it. I love to go to Fred Meyer and Target and Tuesday Morning. I’ll spend $20 here, $50 there, several times a month…and it really does add up. Seriously, when I look at what I tend to buy, it’s usually unnecessary stuff, like makeup, trinkets, clothes that are “on sale” that I will never wear, I just buy them because they are on sale… half the time I don’t even know what I’m buying.

So, truthfully, much of what I purchase is just a waste of money. I wouldn’t even think about it until I’d get the credit card bill and then I’d wonder…what the heck did I buy that time? Since I’ve been blogging, I’ve felt much less need to spend on frivolous things, and my bank account is already showing it in a positive way.

Anyway, I’m looking forward to a good week. I’m going to e-mail my WI results to BLBE and then Buster & I are going for a good long walk. Have a great Friday, my friends!

DUH!

I had some interesting comments on my last post. There sure are a lot of people out there that hate mirrors (and photos). However, in general, people alluded to the fact that when they lost weight, they felt better about looking in the mirror. That’s never been the case for me…no matter what I weigh, I’ve always hated seeing my reflection. Tammy had the most thought provoking comment that my mirror avoidance may be a symptom of something larger.

I did a Google search on “Mirror Avoidance” and I found some eye opening information. I may have BDD (Body Dysmorphic Disorder). Here is a link to one article, with a few of the highlights:

*Since many BDD sufferers experience tremendous shame over their appearance, they may choose not to reveal their concerns to anyone, including their therapist…

*BDD involves much obsessional thinking over the body part, to the point where someone may obsess over it for hours each day. There are also numerous behaviors which may suggest the presence of BDD, such as mirror checking or mirror avoidance...

*Many people with BDD also will compare their body part(s) to those of others, such as friends, family members, or people in the public eye…

*In addition, people with BDD often engage in “camouflaging,” which refers to attempts to try and mask the body part…

*It is critically important to recognize that BDD rarely exists without the existence of other psychiatric disorders. Major depression and social phobia are quite common…

I don't know why, in 55 years, this has never occurred to me before that my obsession might not be normal. DUH! So, why NOW do I think I might actually have BDD...After looking at the symptoms above, I did a quick comparison:

*My weight has always been my obsession. There's often been an element of shame about not being the perfect weight.
*I often compare myself to others. When I see someone I think is about my size I ask my husband “Do I look like that?” He usually will say… “Are you kidding…that person is a lot larger than you are.” Other times, I will see someone I wish I looked like, and my husband will say “Are you kidding...That person is sickly thin!” When I was younger, I always compared myself to my petite, skinny cousins.
*I’ve been treated for depression at various times over the years, but I’ve never told a therapist that I am afraid to look in the mirror. (The only people who know are you, my blogging friends, and my husband…and now the lady at work who I told the other day…and boy did I change the subject fast when I realized what I had said).
*I’m afraid to eat in front of others, which I think could be characterized as “social phobia.”
*I always try to dress to camouflage my body, especially my stomach and my butt.
*I’ve seriously contemplated plastic surgery such as liposuction, and the only reason I did not have it done is because I either couldn’t afford it, or my husband wouldn’t let me have it because he said that I absolutely don’t need it.

So…now that I’ve been thinking about it., I decided to look on line for BDD therapist in my area, and I think I’m going to call the one I found.

(It’s weird as I sit here typing this, I can feel myself getting very stressed out. My face is beet red flushed and I’m having heart palpitations. Right now, I don’t want to type about this anymore…so I'm just going to post this before I overthink it)

Mirror, Mirror...

I had an interesting experience today. I was chatting with a lady in our office about the banquet the other night. I mentioned that I had been a bit nervous about what to wear because I didn’t know if I could find anything to fit. She said that she thought the red jacket I wore was lovely, and it looked really good on me. As the conversation went on, we started talking about body image. I mentioned that I try not to look at myself in the mirror, other than my face when I put on make up.

She thought I was kidding and I kind of changed the subject at that point.

But that fact is, I hate looking at myself in the mirror. I’ve been this way ever since I can remember. It even kind of scares me to look at myself.

Whenever I’ve taken a yoga class or an aerobics class, if I can’t get a spot in the back away from the mirror, I will not take the class. When I lift weights, I turn away from the mirror. When I worked out with a personal trainer, I insisted that we had to go into a location of the room where I could avoid looking at my reflection.

Whenever I do have to buy clothes, I turn away from the mirror until I get the clothes on. I never turn to look until the clothes actually fit; and then, it’s a quick glance to see if it’s acceptable enough to purchase, then I turn away immediately.

Even in those times when I was a good weight or even underweight, I still avoided looking at myself. So it wasn’t like I would spend a lot of time looking at myself and saying “You’re fat!” and hating myself. It’s always just been a matter of avoiding the mirror, and it doesn’t matter if I’m clothed or naked, I just avoid it.

And yet, I'm obsessed with my appearance. When someone at work will compliment me on my outfit (on days I don't wear my uniform), I often joke about my OCD, how everything I wear has to be "matchy-matchy" and how long it can take me to get ready. I often change my outfit, or pieces of it, 5 or 6 times before I can leave the house. I have even gotten half way to work and turned around to change something.

It’s not really a debilitating thing…it’s just that when I mention this kind of stuff to other “normal” people, I’m not necessarily thinking the behavior is weird. But when I get an interesting reaction like I did today, it makes me wonder…is anyone else out there like this? I realize that everyone may not spend a lot of time looking in the mirror, but to actually try to avoid it altogether?

Lost weekend

That’s what it feels like. I had such a busy weekend that I’m having trouble remembering exactly how I did food and activity wise. I think I’ll just try to recreate it in my mind by putting it down here chronologically.

I "think" Saturday was a good day. :-)

I do remember taking B for the BIG WALK with our friend & her dogs. We go to a park nearby that is miles of trails, and the dogs can be off leash. It’s a pretty stout walk, up and down hills and it takes over an hour, and we love it. Everyone we meet makes a fuss over our dogs, because they are all small and cute and friendly to both people and other dogs.

After that it gets a bit hazy. Our department banquet was Saturday night. I remember worrying a bit all day about what to wear. I’m never sure what will fit, if anything. I ended up wearing black slacks and a red jacket that I got from Chico’s about 8 years ago. It actually fit fine and was not outdated looking at all.

(NSV alert! I’ve always loved this jacket because it’s long and covers up my butt. I said this to hubby and he got all pissed off…which was sweet. “You work out all the time, you have a nice butt, and you should be wearing clothes to show off your figure.” What a nice hubby! Nonetheless, I prefer to cover up.)

And as I mentioned before, I don’t eat much in public. So as is my usual MO, I didn’t eat much so hubby ate most of my chicken and we took the rest home for Buster. I did have 4 glasses of wine. I do remember having a good time, and planning a girls-only trip with one of my co-workers.

So, Sunday was our Superbowl party. It wasn’t a “good” day, but it could have been worse. In the morning, I took B to the park for about 30 minutes because he absolutely requires a walk for his sanity and mine (meaning… he drives me crazy until we go). Then the rest of the day is a blur. Setting up the living room for 10 people all facing the big screen, setting up the table for the food my hubby was cooking, vacuuming, running to the store for last minute necessities. Then people started to arrive, the game started, the eating and drinking began.

(I don’t know much about football…in fact, until we planned this party, I didn’t even know that the Cardinals were a football team, I thought they were only a baseball team. That being said…what an exciting game!)

Anyway, I did eat too much yesterday, but no regrets! All the leftovers were thrown out last night, I’ve got my fruit and protein for lunch, and I brought my workout clothes. So today’s gonna be a KICK ASS day!