A Retrospective

I did weigh myself this morning…I was pretty close in my estimate as to my weight: 184. This is at the very top end of my range of weight fluctuations. I guess I shouldn’t be too surprised or disappointed…my husband and I just returned from a 3 week vacation and I’m also recovering from a head cold (so I haven’t been exercising much). I guess I should be glad it’s not more. So, today I’m carefully watching what I eat and trying to drink a lot of water. I’m still not up for exercising yet.

After I made my first post last night, I was ruminating on my past and about how obsessive I am. Why am I such a perfectionist? Am I crazy? After 55 years on this earth, I should have this figured out! I’ve even charted my weight for the last 20 years. I’ve gone from a low of 156 in 1991 (I was there for about 5 minutes) to a high of 185 in 2005. Mostly I’ve been in the mid-170’s.

So, I asked myself, what should I write about? How about my seemingly never-ending diet history. All the diets and/or programs I’ve been on. All the issues I have with food and why. The times I’m successful with weight loss and keeping it off, and the times I haven’t been successful. So I thought it might be helpful to make a list. I hope I can learn something from this exercise…
--I first became aware of body size issues when I was about 11 years old. I was always larger than all my petite cousins. The fact that I was taller and therefore SHOULD weigh more was not something an 11 year old understands. Plus my mother was obsessed with her own weight, and she was constantly making negative comments to me about my weight. The fact is, when I look at pictures of myself at that age, I was tall & gangly & downright SKINNY!
--I loved TWIGGY. I would have done anything to look like Twiggy.
--The first diet I remember going on was the original Atkins (with the encouragement of my mother) when I was a senior in high school. Of course, it worked temporarily, but I do believe this severe restriction of carbohydrates contributed to what is now a constant craving for carbs.
--In my freshman year of college, I was at the doctor & was left alone in the exam room with my chart on the desk. I took a peek and saw that, at 166 lbs, the doctor had classified me as “mildly obese” which freaked me out. I believe this is really where my bulimia started. (Now I would be thrilled to weigh 166 lbs!)
--While a sophomore in college, I was told by someone “in the business” that I could be a model if I would just lose 25 lbs. I think I weighed about 145 at the time. So, in order to be a model, I needed to weigh 120 lbs, on a 5'9" frame. Can you say UNHEALTHY? Well, I tried in the “worst” way (i.e. through starvation, non-stop exercise, and bulimia), to lose those 25 lbs...but no matter how much I punished my body, I was never able to get down to the requisite 120 lbs. So much for my fabulous modeling career!
--Stress definitely triggers binge eating and carb seeking.
--I’ve been on so many diets, including weird self-imposed dietary restrictions throughout the years. I’ve bought diet books & workout equipment. I’ve made New Year’s Resolutions galore. I’ve spent tons of money on gimmicks, pills, diet programs. Some worked well; but as soon as I went off, I gained back the weight.
--Here are all the things I’ve tried, in no particular order. Some are healthy ways to lose and some definitely are NOT. Some were just plain dangerous! I’m not passing judgment on what works for any other person. It’s just that I haven’t found my personal “magic bullet,” probably because there is no such thing:Atkins (multiple times); Weight Watchers (twice); Nutri-System (three times); Jenny Craig; LA Weight Loss; Bailine “Women’s Figure Shop of Scandinavia”; Bio/Syn (a program where you ate nutritional bars as meal substitutes); Protein Power; Zone Diet; Sugar Busters; Drinking Man’s Diet; vegetarian; 3- and 5-day fasts; calorie counting; fat gram counting; carb counting; Liquid protein; Cabbage soup; Grapefruit and egg; all the bananas you can eat; all the soy milk you can drink; e-Diets; glycemic index; Blood Type Diet; Dr. Phil’s Ultimate Weight Loss Solution; Suzanne Somers; Allergy Diet; Apple Cider Vinegar; Amphetamines (in the early 70’s when they were legal; and again in the late 70’s when they weren’t); ephedra; Cortislim; Slimquick; Diet Metabo-7; Fen/Phen; Wellbutrin; HGH (human growth hormone); not eating anything after 7:30 p.m.; hypnosis (both with a “real” therapist, and tapes or CD’s); various gyms & workout programs & classes (hot yoga, regular yoga, Tae Bo, running, jogging, walking, swimming, biking, aerobics, weight lifting, Pilates, racquetball, spinning, step-sliding, resistance bands, Ab-toner; Bally’s Fitness, Gold’s Gym, Fitness Together, Lifestyle Academy; Body fat tests by caliper, hydrostatic (a.k.a water immersion), and electrical impedance; Overeaters Anonymous; Anorexic/Bulimics Anonymous; Starvation (not recommended!); Bulimia including abuse of laxatives (not recommended!)
--Over the years, I’ve also contemplated: having my jaw wired shut; weight loss surgery; breast reduction surgery; liposuction. Thank heavens, for various reasons, I’ve not been able to pursue these.--And…The scary thing is these are just the things I can remember! I’m sure there are more.
--Soooo, what does all this mean? I think that I don’t have a true weight problem as much as a stress/emotional eating problem.
--The healthy things that do seem to work for me:Regular moderate exercise (I do enjoy both walking and weight lifting)
Avoiding highly refined carbs (such as candy, pastries, etc)
Stress management (includes listening to hypnosis tapes, getting enough sleep, massages every few weeks, and regular exercise)
Packing a lunch to work & eating on a regular schedule even if I’m not hungry
Eating the wonderful healthy meals my husband prepares at night
Having healthy snacks on hand for nighttime munchie attacks
Drinking plenty of water
Weighing myself once a week on a specific day
I need to remind myself…I have many positive qualities and attributes, as well as many blessings in my life. I have a wonderful husband, a great job, and a lovely home, plus a little dog that I just adore (he’s my buddy and enthusiastic walking partner). I am generally very healthy and I do have a high level of fitness for my age.

CONCLUSION: I should strive to maintain a healthy weight per doctor’s orders, but my weight should NOT BE the main focus of my life!!!