Last Post of 2008

Today I did the bulk of my annual charitable donations. My main passion is animal welfare...If you are an animal lover and are looking for a 4-star charity to which to donate some of your hard earned money, you can’t go wrong with Pasado’s Safe Haven in Sultan, Washington. Here’s a small bit of their story from their website (after all these years, it still tears me up when I read it):

Pasado the donkey, the 21-year-old beloved fixture at a Seattle area park, died after three teen boys had snuck into Pasado's pasture that April night (in 1992). They attempted to ride him and when he resisted, they began beating him with tree branches the size of clubs. When he fell and could no longer walk, they tied a noose around his neck and pulled him up a tree, strangling him to death. Workers at the park discovered him hanging from the tree the next morning. That day, Pasado's Safe Haven, was founded.

You can read the rest of the Pasado story at their website. These wonderful folks not only provide a “safe haven” for neglected and abused animals, they also worked to pass “Pasado’s Law” which makes animal cruelty a felony in Washington State; and they actively prosecute those who have treated animals cruelly. I’ve been to their facility and they do what they do out of sheer love for animals.

Well, I'll get down off my soapbox now...that's all I have for the year 2008...see you next year!

More snow hatred & HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Everyone talks about how they love the snow…as I’ve said before…I HATE IT. I now have another reason to hate it…we’ve not had any garbage pickup since December 12. We had the snow on December 18, so normal garbage pickup on December 19 was canceled, then canceled again on December 27 due to more snow. Pick up will be delayed an extra day this week due to the holiday. Can you imagine all the garbage out there rotting? Especially with all the extra garbage produced because of the holiday? Many people are ignoring the “new” schedule which was published by Waste Management, and simply leaving their garbage out on the curb in bags, because their bins are full. It’s a mess. My one bin is totally full, and I have a few bags in the garage, which freaks me out because we had a dead rat in our crawl space this fall…we found out he was there because he started to decompose and smell up the downstairs. And where there is one rat, there are more. Our neighborhood is near the water, and rats are just a fact of nature when you live near the water…but they can be controlled if you don’t leave “food,” (i.e. garbage) around for them. Our biggest ongoing problem is our neighbor who doesn’t take care of his garbage. We had an exterminator come and get rid of the critters under our house, but garbage is a big attraction for them to return. This garbage debacle with Waste Management is just another reason I hate the snow.

My cold seems to have come back…either that or I’m developing a sinus infection. Coughing, hacking, sneezing, stuff coming out of every orifice in my head. I know...TMI… I’m sure my husband wants to go out or do “something” tomorrow night. He’s a much more social person than I am. I really would prefer to stay home and veg out.

In the past 10 years, I’ve never been much for celebrating on New Year’s. During almost every other night of the year, I’m in bed…or on my way to going to bed…by 10 p.m. I have to get up at 5:45 Monday through Thursday for work, and I don’t function well on too little sleep. I’ve gotten in this routine of going to bed fairly early, so even if I’m on vacation or on weekends, I go to bed by 11. I love my bed! Buster is so used to us going to bed before midnight that he gets upset if I ever stay up late. He’ll look at me and tremble and shake…”why aren’t we going to bed?” Bed is just about his favorite thing too, but he won’t go without me. (My hubby is a night owl and often stays up until 4 in the morning watching movies or reading…so I usually am dead asleep when he comes to bed later)

Speaking of celebrating on New Years, I have to admit I DO like to drink (in some ways I prefer liquor to food), but as I’ve gotten older, alcohol is losing a bit of its allure. There’s the ever present fear of getting a DUI (and losing my job as well as bringing shame on myself and my family), so I don’t like to drink and drive. And, if I “over-drink,” I feel like crap the next day, and I hate to feel like crap. It takes me a few days to recover, not like the olden college days when I could drink most guys under the table and still be in class the next day at 7 a.m. halfway across campus. Then again, when I drink, I tend to NOT eat, which I think is opposite of many people and I think that’s another reason I like to drink. In the more distant past, my most successful diets often included fairly large quantities of hard liquor. I once lost 15 lbs mostly drinking vodka and grapefruit juice (and not eating) for two weeks. And there’s nothing like a few strong Rum & Diet Dr. Peppers on an empty stomach while watching Judge Judy by myself on a Friday afternoon before my husband gets home from work. Three drinks will usually do it. More than three is too many, fewer than three is too few. Three is just enough to get a good buzz, but not enough to produce a hangover.

Well, I digress. For New Year’s Eve, I’d prefer to just sit home, drink a hot toddy, or hot buttered rum, nurse my cold, and watch the fireworks at the Seattle Center on TV. It’s supposed to rain tomorrow anyway, so who wants to be outside driving around in the rain with all the other drunken partiers?

Whatever you all decide to do, please do it safely. And please pray for us that we don’t get any more snow before garbage pickup on Saturday. Happy New Year!

DAC is HERE!

Thank heavens! It’s over! I think the Day after Christmas (DAC) is my favorite day of the year. Now I can just enjoy the rest of the year knowing I have 364 days before next Christmas.

During the Christmas festivities, my mom did her usual “say whatever critical thing comes into your head without thinking and then wonder why people get annoyed.” I had asked my husband before we got there not to argue with her, and he was pretty good about it. (They’ve had some run ins in the past, and the possibility always adds another level of stress to any visit.) In general, the day was mostly nice. It was good to see my brother, sister-in-law, and niece. With them there, it creates a bit of a buffer for me. I did overeat a bit, but not extremely so. I usually drink a bit too much, too, but this time I only had a 2 glasses of eggnog and 3 glasses of champagne. (This might sound like a lot. When I'm in that situation, believe me, it’s not).

After we got home, I did have a few cocktails and pieces of candy as my husband and I opened our (1 each) gifts to each other. Bless his heart…he ordered me a Pajamagram. Unfortunately, he ordered a Large, and they were WAY too small. I don’t wear a Large, except sometimes for clothes from Penneys or Sears where the clothes run bigger. I wear an XL or even an XXL. We’ll have to send them back.

Yesterday, we just hung out and watched old Andy Hardy movies on TCM and straightened up the house. I took Buster to the park for about 45 minutes. He had fun running through the snow, which has melted down quite a bit. He definitely needed a bath after we got home, he was so wet and muddy.

Last night, hubby and I went to a movie in the new big mall nearby. We had never been to this mall since it was built a couple of years ago, but we decided to give it a try. It was quite the fantastic place. It was packed, probably due to it being the DAC. I don’t like feeling like I’m being engulfed by mindless hordes, but once we got into the theater, it was very nice with big, comfortable seats. We hadn’t had much to eat yesterday, and I was so hungry I wolfed down a large popcorn. The movie was ”The Day the Earth Stood Still.” Save your money.

Afterward, I was expecting us to go home as usual, but hubby was hungry. He decided he really wanted to go into this nice restaurant at the top of the building. They serve Oysters Rockefeller, which he loves. I felt kind of awkward because I had only dressed to go to a movie, not a nice restaurant. I was in sweats and had no makeup on. Plus I had already eaten all that popcorn and was feeling a bit bloated. I really didn’t want to eat anything else. I was originally thinking of telling hubby I didn’t want to go. He had even asked me if I was okay (“What’s wrong, baby, you seem kind of sad.”). Then I recalled reading on Chubby Chick’s blog about taking any opportunity to do nice things with your husband. So, at that moment, I put on a big smile and said I was just fine. They seated us in a lovely table next to the window. Fortunately, it was dark in the restaurant, so I didn’t feel too conspicuous. I told hubby to be honest I wasn’t very hungry, so we just ordered a couple of appetizers, including the Oysters Rockefeller (which I don’t like, so he had them all to himself). I had a beer and he had a glass of wine. In retrospect, I’m so glad I made the effort to make my husband happy, and I also had a good time myself.

This was just one more experience to file away in my brain to remind myself of what’s important in life.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Heavy snow is falling again. I was supposed to work this morning but I got part way and decided to turn back. The roads were extremely slippery and there were cars spun out all over. I did stop at the store and pick a few last minute items that I needed for tomorrow…cash for my niece’s gift (she’s in her 20’s and cash is always popular), cards, champagne, etc. Now I’m home watching the movie “The Star Chamber” from 1983 on TV…I really like Michael Douglas. He’s still very handsome today, but boy, was he a HUNK back then!!

I’ve already talked to my brother about the possibility of us postponing the Christmas celebration to a day when the weather has improved. The forecast includes freezing rain tonight and tomorrow. To be truthful, I’d rather get it over with, but practicality may win out over tradition.

Since I started this blog, I’ve felt more of an overall sense of peace, which is amazing considering it’s the holidays. Maybe blogging is helping me to be more aware of my self-destructive activities. Yes, I did go a bit berserk after visiting my mom; but after I wrote about it, my binge eating didn’t last past that one day. A group of us went to dim sum yesterday and normally I eat way too much. It’s one of those situations where everyone eats everything that’s on the table so no one can really keep track of how much any other person is eating...as if anyone other than myself really notices or cares. It usually makes me feel like I've got the cover I need to eat... Eat...EAT with other people around. This time, I felt very much in control. I didn’t eat too much and I didn’t even crave any of the desserts, although the sweet buns are usually my absolute favorite. And it wasn’t a “will power/white knuckle” sense of control, rather something quiet inside that said, “Okay, you’re full, you’ve had enough.” I’m going to say a prayer that this keeps up. I may actually make it through the holidays with my sanity intact and without gaining a lot of weight.

I want to thank you all for encouraging me in this new endeavor of blogging. I wish everyone the most joyous Christmas. ~ Love, Graciela

Back to work in spite of the snow

The heavy snow continued all day until late in the evening, so we got another several inches yesterday. I’m back at work today, but I had to shovel out my steep driveway first, which took about 45 minutes. It was covered with a mix of about 8 inches of snow on top of melting ice and slush. Even with all-wheel drive, my small SUV couldn’t make it up the hill unless I shoveled first. Once I got out onto the road, traffic to work was very light (schools are out this week, plus most people are staying off the roads if possible, I think) and a lot of folks did not show up to the office today. I expect it will be a rather slow as well as short week, which will be nice both for getting existing work done and not being given a lot of new projects.

Yesterday was a mixed bag, food wise. Mid-morning, my husband made French toast out of an Italian bread called “panettone.” It was really good, but I only had two pieces with sugar free syrup, so it didn’t seem to set me off too badly. Then last night we had a big salad for dinner.

I stayed on track pretty well today. I packed my normal lunch for work; and for dinner, my husband fixed a skinless turkey breast with artichoke stuffing and sweet potatoes.

(At this point, I guess I should explain that my husband is a gourmet chef and he does all the cooking for us. But he’s always experimenting with recipes and adjusting them in a healthy way, without a lot of fat or carbs. I think God was looking out for me when He arranged for us to meet.)

During the holiday seasons of the past, my MO was always, “The hell with it, I’ll eat as much of everything I want until January 2; and then I’ll starve.” Since I’m trying to break away from both unhealthy eating and thought processes, I’m going to strive to avoid that mindset.

I’ve decided that Fridays will be my normal weigh-in day, but I don’t think I will weigh myself until January 9. The holidays will have been over for a while, and life will have returned to normal. Waiting for a week after the holidays may help to keep my crazy thinking under control.

More snow...and I hate Christmas

Okay, I’m already officially tired of the snow… I moved to Seattle 28 years ago from the Midwest to get away from snow. We had another big snowstorm last night, this time accompanied by high winds.

For reasons unknown, Buster has always been very afraid of the wind. I had to give him doggie tranquilizers so we could both sleep through the night. This morning, the potty station that I shoveled for him on Thursday is now completely covered again by new snow. When I sent him outside first thing today, he refused to go into the deep snow and peed on the deck instead. I can’t say that I blame him. I’ll have to shovel his spot out again sometime later this morning.

Today is my mom’s 80th birthday. My husband and I had intended to drive down to visit her today (she lives about an hour away), take her to lunch, and help her put up her Christmas tree. When the forecast came out predicting that we were going to have another snowstorm on Saturday night through Sunday afternoon, I hurried down by myself yesterday morning instead for a quick visit and to help her with her tree. I do love my mother, and I know she loves me, but it is emotionally exhausting for me to be with her. Without thinking, she tends to say critical things about my looks…such as, "You've gained some weight," “When are you going to get a facelift?” or “I hate the color of that sweater!”

Yesterday, we had a nice visit (with no critical comments), the tree got put up, and I was on my way home by 2 o’clock, to beat the incoming storm. Still, in the span of an hour on the drive home, I consumed (in this order): a South Beach Diet bar, a fruit and nut bar, a beef & cheddar sandwich and vanilla shake from Arby’s, and half a package of Twizzlers (I would have eaten the whole package but I ran out of time). I just couldn’t stop myself. My husband is the most supportive person when it comes to my eating disorder, but I still was too ashamed to tell him about my binge when I got home. In fact, when we had dinner that evening, I ate everything as usual (even though I wasn't hungry) and never said anything.

Today I have a stomachache and I feel like crap. I’ll be glad when Christmas is over, because that is always the biggest emotional drain of the year. I think it’s pretty obvious that I need to find better ways to deal with my emotions.

Snow Day!

We had a big snowstorm in Seattle yesterday. It was so bad I couldn’t get into work, although I did try. My car has all-wheel drive, and I figured I’d be okay; but when I got out on the road, each street I tried to use was blocked by stranded cars or buses. As the snow continued to fall, I got nervous that I was going to get hit by another car. After several futile minutes trying to find a way to work, I finally gave up, turned around, and went home. I spent the day putting up my Christmas tree, snuggling on the couch with my dog, and watching the snow fall.


Our Yard during the Snow Storm




Fridays are my normal day off, so we had a fun day in the snow today. I really hadn't intended to spend any time outside, but now I’m glad I did. I thought it would be too cold, so I walked on the treadmill this morning for about an hour. Meanwhile, Buster kept pacing around me as if to say “Hey, Mom, we always go for a walk on the days you don’t work! Let's GO!” I felt sorry for him because he hadn't been outside much in 2 days. I put on a old pair of blue ski pants (I think I got them in about 1988...they barely fit), a pair of clunky work boots, my bright yellow puffy coat, a pink hat, and a tartan plaid scarf. I’m sure I looked like a crazy bag lady, but Buster didn’t care. He was just so excited that we were going outside! We spent about 45 minutes at the park playing in the snow.

Buster in the snow

When we got back home, I spent another hour shoveling our walk and putting up Christmas lights outside. After being sick with a cold for a week, it felt good to have some energy again.

A Retrospective

I did weigh myself this morning…I was pretty close in my estimate as to my weight: 184. This is at the very top end of my range of weight fluctuations. I guess I shouldn’t be too surprised or disappointed…my husband and I just returned from a 3 week vacation and I’m also recovering from a head cold (so I haven’t been exercising much). I guess I should be glad it’s not more. So, today I’m carefully watching what I eat and trying to drink a lot of water. I’m still not up for exercising yet.

After I made my first post last night, I was ruminating on my past and about how obsessive I am. Why am I such a perfectionist? Am I crazy? After 55 years on this earth, I should have this figured out! I’ve even charted my weight for the last 20 years. I’ve gone from a low of 156 in 1991 (I was there for about 5 minutes) to a high of 185 in 2005. Mostly I’ve been in the mid-170’s.

So, I asked myself, what should I write about? How about my seemingly never-ending diet history. All the diets and/or programs I’ve been on. All the issues I have with food and why. The times I’m successful with weight loss and keeping it off, and the times I haven’t been successful. So I thought it might be helpful to make a list. I hope I can learn something from this exercise…
--I first became aware of body size issues when I was about 11 years old. I was always larger than all my petite cousins. The fact that I was taller and therefore SHOULD weigh more was not something an 11 year old understands. Plus my mother was obsessed with her own weight, and she was constantly making negative comments to me about my weight. The fact is, when I look at pictures of myself at that age, I was tall & gangly & downright SKINNY!
--I loved TWIGGY. I would have done anything to look like Twiggy.
--The first diet I remember going on was the original Atkins (with the encouragement of my mother) when I was a senior in high school. Of course, it worked temporarily, but I do believe this severe restriction of carbohydrates contributed to what is now a constant craving for carbs.
--In my freshman year of college, I was at the doctor & was left alone in the exam room with my chart on the desk. I took a peek and saw that, at 166 lbs, the doctor had classified me as “mildly obese” which freaked me out. I believe this is really where my bulimia started. (Now I would be thrilled to weigh 166 lbs!)
--While a sophomore in college, I was told by someone “in the business” that I could be a model if I would just lose 25 lbs. I think I weighed about 145 at the time. So, in order to be a model, I needed to weigh 120 lbs, on a 5'9" frame. Can you say UNHEALTHY? Well, I tried in the “worst” way (i.e. through starvation, non-stop exercise, and bulimia), to lose those 25 lbs...but no matter how much I punished my body, I was never able to get down to the requisite 120 lbs. So much for my fabulous modeling career!
--Stress definitely triggers binge eating and carb seeking.
--I’ve been on so many diets, including weird self-imposed dietary restrictions throughout the years. I’ve bought diet books & workout equipment. I’ve made New Year’s Resolutions galore. I’ve spent tons of money on gimmicks, pills, diet programs. Some worked well; but as soon as I went off, I gained back the weight.
--Here are all the things I’ve tried, in no particular order. Some are healthy ways to lose and some definitely are NOT. Some were just plain dangerous! I’m not passing judgment on what works for any other person. It’s just that I haven’t found my personal “magic bullet,” probably because there is no such thing:Atkins (multiple times); Weight Watchers (twice); Nutri-System (three times); Jenny Craig; LA Weight Loss; Bailine “Women’s Figure Shop of Scandinavia”; Bio/Syn (a program where you ate nutritional bars as meal substitutes); Protein Power; Zone Diet; Sugar Busters; Drinking Man’s Diet; vegetarian; 3- and 5-day fasts; calorie counting; fat gram counting; carb counting; Liquid protein; Cabbage soup; Grapefruit and egg; all the bananas you can eat; all the soy milk you can drink; e-Diets; glycemic index; Blood Type Diet; Dr. Phil’s Ultimate Weight Loss Solution; Suzanne Somers; Allergy Diet; Apple Cider Vinegar; Amphetamines (in the early 70’s when they were legal; and again in the late 70’s when they weren’t); ephedra; Cortislim; Slimquick; Diet Metabo-7; Fen/Phen; Wellbutrin; HGH (human growth hormone); not eating anything after 7:30 p.m.; hypnosis (both with a “real” therapist, and tapes or CD’s); various gyms & workout programs & classes (hot yoga, regular yoga, Tae Bo, running, jogging, walking, swimming, biking, aerobics, weight lifting, Pilates, racquetball, spinning, step-sliding, resistance bands, Ab-toner; Bally’s Fitness, Gold’s Gym, Fitness Together, Lifestyle Academy; Body fat tests by caliper, hydrostatic (a.k.a water immersion), and electrical impedance; Overeaters Anonymous; Anorexic/Bulimics Anonymous; Starvation (not recommended!); Bulimia including abuse of laxatives (not recommended!)
--Over the years, I’ve also contemplated: having my jaw wired shut; weight loss surgery; breast reduction surgery; liposuction. Thank heavens, for various reasons, I’ve not been able to pursue these.--And…The scary thing is these are just the things I can remember! I’m sure there are more.
--Soooo, what does all this mean? I think that I don’t have a true weight problem as much as a stress/emotional eating problem.
--The healthy things that do seem to work for me:Regular moderate exercise (I do enjoy both walking and weight lifting)
Avoiding highly refined carbs (such as candy, pastries, etc)
Stress management (includes listening to hypnosis tapes, getting enough sleep, massages every few weeks, and regular exercise)
Packing a lunch to work & eating on a regular schedule even if I’m not hungry
Eating the wonderful healthy meals my husband prepares at night
Having healthy snacks on hand for nighttime munchie attacks
Drinking plenty of water
Weighing myself once a week on a specific day
I need to remind myself…I have many positive qualities and attributes, as well as many blessings in my life. I have a wonderful husband, a great job, and a lovely home, plus a little dog that I just adore (he’s my buddy and enthusiastic walking partner). I am generally very healthy and I do have a high level of fitness for my age.

CONCLUSION: I should strive to maintain a healthy weight per doctor’s orders, but my weight should NOT BE the main focus of my life!!!

My First Post

I don't really know much about "blogging," but I'm going to give it a try. I've been so impressed by some of the other weight loss blogs that I've read. I just hope I don't embarrass myself by comparison.

I'm 55 (soon to be 56 in February), and I've had numerous food related issues throughout my whole life. I was bulimic in college and my early 20's. I was occasionally very thin, sometimes normal weight, usually a bit overweight. I have the requisite three different sizes of clothing in my closet (lately I've been wearing my so-called "fat" sizes). I've never been extremely overweight (I don't really know why). But I constantly obsess about my weight. To be honest, I'm afraid of the scale and only weigh myself when I think I'm thin and will be happy with what I see. So I haven't weighed myself for a while.

I currently weigh about 185 lbs (I suppose I should check for sure as I begin this journey) and the doctor says I should weigh about 160 (I'm 5 ft 9 inches tall). I have struggled with the same 10 to 25 lbs over and over (and over). In the past few years, with menopause, it has gotten increasingly difficult to lose weight.

So, what do I want? I just want to lose the weight for the last time, in a healthy way, and keep it off.

I hope you will all be patient with me as I learn how to "blog" and lose weight at the same time.