An Experiment

Hard to believe I haven't posted in over 5 years! So this is an experiment to see who, if anyone, is still out there and might want to read this little blog. I'm not sure why I started thinking about Grace Notes. It may be because I have time to think about a lot of random stuff these days. 

I had trouble logging in, thank goodness I had a note in a folder where I keep passwords, that told me which email I used for Blogger as well as the password.  So I was able to get in! 

I think I might just start up this blog again. I remember originally it was therapeutic to write about my eating disorder and general anxieties. Well, now I need a bit of therapy, but not for that. 

When I last wrote, it was in the start of the pandemic, which is now a distant memory. I had just retired and was trying to adjust to life at home, because we really couldn't go anywhere. Remember Quarantines? Lockdowns? Anyway, for me it was a double whammy. Covid Lockdown and No Job. 

Well, here it is over 5 years later. Lots has happened in my life. 

I guess the biggest thing is I'm a widow. 

Paul, my husband of 32 years and the love of my life, passed away suddenly in January of 2024 of a massive heart attack. Also known as a "widowmaker."

He hadn't been feeling well for a few days, and was on antibiotics for what we thought might be a sinus infection. The antibiotics were making him a bit ill so I think I missed the REAL signs of what was going on with him.

I had gone to the store to get some things for him, soup, cold medicine, etc., and to do some other errands. When I left, he was relaxing in his recliner, watching a movie and doing some things on his laptop. When I got back about 2 hours later, Jennie our dog came running to me.  As usual, I asked her, "What have you and Daddy been doing?"  

Then I walked over to him.  When I first looked at him, he was so still so I thought he was asleep. He was as I had left him, laptop in his lap.  But something seemed off.  When I approached him, I saw his face was slack and he had some foam coming out of his mouth. I shook him and started yelling, "Wake up Paul!!!" There was no response at all, and he was cold to the touch. 

Of course, I called 911. The dispatcher asked if I could get him out of his recliner on to the floor to do CPR. Unfortunately, he weighed too much for me to move him, so she said the paramedics were on their way.  Our house is notoriously hard to locate, so she told me to go outside to direct the ambulance. I ran outside to run up the driveway, but then I saw my next door neighbor in his kitchen window. I frantically ran to their door and cried out, "I think Paul's dead!" 

The rest is kind of a blur. My neighbor went to direct the paramedics to our house and I went back inside to try again to wake Paul up. 

When the paramedics arrived, they got him onto the floor and started to try to revive him. I think they worked on him for about 40 minutes before they gave up. My wonderful neighbors stayed with me for the whole time. As we waited in the kitchen, I could hear what was going on. Once it sounded like they actually got some heart activity, and I felt momentarily hopeful! 

But finally they came and told me he was gone. 

They said the coroner would come soon to take him away, and so I could spend some time with him if I wanted to. He was lying on the floor, covered with a sheet.  They warned me that his face would look strange from the efforts to revive him. So I looked at him very briefly, covered his face again, and then held his hand. He always had beautiful hands. I laid next to him on the floor and talked to him until they came for him.  

Through tears, I told him how much our life together had meant to me. I told him loved him and would miss him. 

I'm not sure what possessed me but I decided to take a photo of us holding hands, but I'm glad I did...

Well, that's enough for now. Writing this is bringing up all sorts of feelings so I'll write some more soon.