The Sickness Inside ME

I'm starting to realize that anxiety feeds Eddie. The more anxious I am, the more Eddie starts yapping. Then the more I allow Eddie to be in control, the more anxious I get.

Although I never realized it before I started therapy, I am a very anxious person. I really thought I was pretty easy going. I guess that's because I am not normally anxious about work, or some of the other day to day things that "normal" people might get anxious about. At work, I do whatever needs to get done…then I leave it at the end of the day. I go home and seldom think about it again.

But I'm starting to realize...Personal stuff is totally different.

When I saw Dr D today, we started talking about how things were going. I realized that since Hub has been diagnosed with the blood clot…I have not eaten much. In fact, I'm probably not eating enough to help me keep my wits about me, so to speak. My appetite goes away, so I just stop eating. That's where it gets into a vicious cycle. The less I eat, the less I want to eat. As gross as this may sound, from the years of being bulimic, my gag reflex kicks in, and the thought of food is sickening. Since I no longer "allow" myself throw up, the alternative is...I don't eat anything.

I also have an tendency towards obsessive/compulsive behavior. And the more stressed out I get, the more OC I get. I feel the need to spend a lot more time arranging my closet "just so." I can't leave the house for work until I change clothes at least 3 times, including my earrings, scarves, belts...this goes on ad nauseum. Rather than being able to get ready to go to work in 1/2 hour, it takes me an hour or more. The more stressed I am, the more "perfect" everything has to be before I can walk out the door. For example…Would anyone notice that I'm wearing green earrings, rather than turquoise earrings? No, but I get into a dither about which earrings more exactly match what I'm wearing. (I'd probably be better off just wearing my uniform...easier and much quicker!)

But, for some reason, these activities (the food restriction and the OCD) help me cope, and give me a feeling of comfort and control. Then, I start rationalizing that because I am stressed out, I DESERVE to do these comforting activities, even though I know they are not healthy or helpful.

I'm so lucky to have a good therapist who brings me back to reality and who suggests healthy alternatives to these counterproductive coping mechanisms, that I am starting to realize I've used my whole life.

I'm also lucky to have such wonderful friends in the blogging world who have given me encouragement and kind comments on my last post. Your comments made such a difference in how I was feeling and it helped so much to know you care. Thank you all.

Hub is doing okay, the blood thinners do cause him to feel (and act) a bit strange, tired, and cold, so he is not exactly "himself." But we all know the alternative would not be good, so we can deal with it.

Today, I really do BELIEVE that…"This too shall pass."

Here's another good one! "Knowledge is power."

So, while I'm waiting for all those good things to kick in...I think I'll just kick Eddie to the curb.

This Too Shall Pass...

I just noticed it's been 10 days since my last post. For whatever reason, I haven't been in the mood to write a post. For some reason, I'm feeling a bit down, a bit depressed.

Today it's been 3 weeks since the surgery. There has been a lot of stuff to do, but I did feel like we had gotten into a routine of care. I felt like we were doing really well, but I was also looking forward to us getting back to normal.

Then BOOM...not so fast!

Hub had a setback yesterday. We went for a final follow-up ultrasound for the blood clot that he had shortly after the surgery. Because the 2nd appointment showed the clot was almost gone, I figured we were home free. So I sat in the waiting room reading my Kindle. I didn't really notice how long Hub had been back in the exam area until it had been a LONG time. Lots longer than the other 2 appointments. Finally, I got up and asked the receptionist what was going on. She said, "Well, they're just discussing treatment options."

Treatment options?? For what?? I must have looked totally shocked, because after she saw the look on my face, she said, "Oh, uh, maybe you would like to go back to where he is?" Uh, yes, please.

Well, it turned out blood clot had come back worse than ever, after Hub went off the injectable blood thinners last week. Shit. Anyway, we sat in the doctor's office, while the experts debated if it was serious enough to put him back in the hospital, or if it was okay to send him home with a new regimen of injectable blood thinners. Finally, they decided to send him home, but first they gave me a lecture about calling 9-1-1 if he has any of a number of symptoms. Believe me, guys, I do not need any encouragement to call 9-1-1. Because of my job, I know about too many instances of people who have died from throwing a clot after surgery. Sometimes too much knowledge can be a bad thing, but at least I won't be shy about calling 9-1-1.

But now I'm worried and it's hard to relax. Last night, I kept listening to him breathe while he slept, so I didn't sleep very well.

He still needs me to help him with a lot of normal day-to-day activities, and to drive him everywhere, post-op appointments, ultrasounds for the blood clot, physical therapy, etc. So I've only been working part-time...which is fine, because I'm allowed to use sick leave to take care of him, and I have plenty of sick leave saved up. Still, I feel guilty about not being at work my normal hours. Then again, I'm grateful for the time off, and the wonderful medical facilities to give him the best care.

Anyway right now I just feel out of sorts, like life will never be back to normal. I know logically that this is not true, but emotionally I'm a bit worn out.

I just need to keep in mind that this too shall pass.

It's a Beautiful (but Strange) Day in the Neighborhood

What a gorgeous day today! I took B to the park this morning first thing, and there were lots of people and dogs, so he had a great time.

Then I cooked breakfast for Hub. I cooked fried eggs and...wait for it...they were PERFECT. Perfect as to how he likes them, that is. He likes them runny, and the first batch were a little overcooked, which is why those ended up on my own plate. I do learn from my mistakes. This cooking thing is getting to be less daunting every day. But I'm starting to worry that Hub will think he doesn't need to get back into that kitchen. And he certainly does. (This is not one of my eggs, but they looked just like this.)

Another beautiful thing today…I weighed myself and I've lost 4 lbs since I last weighed on March 5. Wow! I skipped weighing in last Saturday, because after all the stress surrounding Hub's surgery, I was eating kind of crappy and was afraid the scale would show a gain. (I'm such a chicken when it comes to bad news.) So I really don't know exactly when this all came about, if it was gradual or just a quick plummet. Who cares, I am very happy. I just need to lose 2 more lbs to be back where I was during the summer, when I was at my lowest weight in years. Then 2 more lbs after that, at which point I'll just need to maintain. (I'll be at 160 which is a perfect weight for me.)

I had been planning for my cheat day all week, and mid-morning I had a donut that I bought yesterday specifically to eat today. It was weird when Hub saw me eating it, because he got all upset about how "compulsive" I was being. What??? 4HB says I should eat whatever I want on my cheat day, and I wanted a donut. One donut! What should I have had instead? I asked him. I don't know, how about another piece of toast...just not a donut, he said.

But I didn't want another piece of toast...I wanted a freaking donut!!! Geesh, talk to the hand, buddy. This was just a very strange conversation, because Hub has also read 4HB and knows what it says about cheat day. Yet, there he was, being all sanctimonious, I guess because since having surgery he's not wanted to eat any sweets or crap. Okay, he can do whatever he wants, but why should I feel guilty about that donut? I have had to dismiss the conversation from my mind, because I'm doing exactly what the book says. Hub is still taking pain meds, so I wonder if the meds are messing with his mind? I also think that donuts used to be one of his trigger foods, so maybe that bothered him.

This whole discussion took away a little of the joy I felt initially about losing 4 lbs, but then I went and tried on 3 pairs of size 10 jeans that I had put away when I gained the 10 lbs. They all fit so I felt better again.

Well, that's about it for now. I'm really enjoying how light it stays now that daylight savings time has kicked in. I hope everyone is having a wonderful Saturday!