I Will Not Eat Crap

My mom and I still have our ups and downs.  With the dementia, her filters are almost non-existent. 

For example, I visited her Saturday and had lunch with her and some of her buddies.  One of her friends said “You look nice today.”  I guess washing my hair and wearing a scarf that matches my sweater is the height of fashion at the Home.  Anyway, I’ll take any compliment that comes my way (even if it is made by an elderly woman who is almost blind…seriously, this friend of my mother’s is very near sighted).  So I said Thank You!   

But, instead of agreeing with her, what does my mother do?  She says, “Yeah, well, I don’t like that sweater on you, it makes you look fat.”  And as usual, even after all these years, I'm always caught off guard by her meanness.  You'd think I'd learn!  

It’s always tricky how to respond to something like that.  I can feel hurt or just laugh it off.  So I (try to) laugh it off.  What good does it do to respond to her anyway?  She doesn’t remember anything past 5 minutes. And I’ve come to expect it from her…she’s always been very competitive with me but it took me years to recognize that was what was going on. 

Last night Hub and I were going grocery shopping and as I rode along in the car, I started to realize I felt a bit depressed.  As I analyzed what I was feeling, I realized that it’s possible my mother could live another 20 years…she’s in really good health except for her mind.  So I have that to look forward to for the foreseeable future…The constant offhand insults and negativity and complaints.  I start to realize that even now I overreact and dwell on things she says and does (not outwardly but inside it hurts).  And it never fails...She gives me a stomach ache and makes me want to eat crap.  

Anyway, I know logically that in the scheme of things, this is such a very, very small problem.  So, instead of letting it bother me, I’m going to decide to be grateful for what it is, because I know it could be so much worse. 

Thanks for listening…I feel much better having written about it.  And I will not use her actions as an excuse to eat crap.  

HELLO!

...Or, as we say in the style of my office when anyone walks in…Hel-LOOOO! 

(think Seinfeld  “Hello”episode)

I’ve been away so long from blogging.  I did go private for the last 18 months, mostly so I could figure out what to do with my blog without actually worrying about it or deleting it.

But life goes on and is good, so I'm back.  I can’t believe how blessed I am.  This post will be brief, mostly just to get back into it.

I’m still working for the Fire Department at a job I love.  I’m turning 64 in February so starting to anticipate retirement in 2018, when I turn 65. Hubs is still working at age 70, but he is thinking about selling his business in the next year so we can go have fun before we get too old to enjoy retirement. 

About a year ago, I moved my mother into an assisted living place nearby.  This was not an easy decision but she has dementia and couldn’t live on her own any more.  This first year was difficult with her laying a major guilt trip on me about moving her.  She definitely still knows how to push my buttons!  But, she finally seems to have adjusted and likes the place she lives.  Her being close by in a structured environment makes my life so much easier too.  Now it's much more convenient to keep an eye on her, take her to doctor appointments, even just visit her, etc.  She's always been a social butterfly, so now she has lots of friends (even if she can't ever remember their names).    

My boy Buster is still around, he’s 13 now, but still generally healthy.  He is getting a bit creaky in the joints, is pretty deaf, and I don’t think he sees very well either.  But he still looks forward to a stroll in the park, his dinner at night, and treats.  Oh, and we have taken on my mother’s two little dogs, who were basically wild animals from lack of discipline, but they have calmed down a lot with a routine they can count on.  Buster likes them fine so everyone is happy.   

Weight wise, I’m about the same, maybe a little smaller (I don’t weigh, but clothes I was wearing a year ago are a little loose now).  I'm still doing (a non-rigid version of) Intermittent Fasting...that style of eating just works for me. I’ve been working out 3-4 times a week with a trainer, which is expensive but really is my one financial self-indulgence.  To be honest, I kinda hate it!  He pushes me to the point that I often jokingly tell him I'm glad I'm sweating because it hides my tears.  But having a scheduled time with him keeps me accountable, injury free (because he is a real stickler for form), and when each session is over, I feel good and accomplished.  I'm really strong for my age and pretty toned too, if I do say so myself.  I did have the facelift I discussed in my last post, and it was worth every penny.    

I stopped going to my therapist Dr. D about a 9 months ago, as I think we had covered just about everything there was to talk about, plus I had stopped crying every time I saw her.  To me that meant a lot of the childhood trauma had finally been resolved.  I learned a lot from her and I think I’m doing pretty well emotionally on my own. 

That’s about it!  I haven’t read many blogs lately but I’m looking forward to touching base with anyone who is still around!     

Hi Everyone (anyone?)

I was feeling so bad when I posted last that I really thought it might be better to just “forget” blogging.  I went private for a while to decide whether I wanted to keep the blog or delete it.  

Fortunately, things are better now, although my mom is still abusive and demented (literally, she suffers from dementia), I’m only spending a few hours a week with her.  So I’m in a better place emotionally and her craziness doesn’t affect me so much.  It’s easier to take the things she says and does with a grain of salt when I’m not around her as much. 

Early morning on the lake

The weather here in the Pacific Northwest has been wonderful for several weeks (if you want to see how nice it is, look at some of the coverage of the US Open this weekend…that golf course is literally 15 minutes away from my mom’s house.).  It really makes a big difference in my mood when the weather is good, and the days are long.  Sunrise is around 5:30 and sunset today isn’t until around 9:30!  It's glorious. 

I’m still doing intermittent fasting with an emphasis on lower carbs.  My weight has been pretty stable the past few months (by stable,  since I don’t weigh myself, I mean I’m wearing the same clothes for the last several months with no feeling of change in how they fit). 

I’ve been working out with a trainer 2 times a week since January.  The weight training is definitely making a big difference in my attitude about my body.  I feel stronger and more toned, and even though I’d still like to lose 5-10 more pounds, I’m more focused on just getting strong.  Working with the trainer gives me the impetus to work out on my own on off days.  I'm not doing much cardio, just weights and abdominal exercises.  Buster is getting up there in age,  and we still go to the park on my days off, but that’s really just a stroll for his benefit, not mine.  I’m being much more forgiving towards myself when I don’t “exercise”...rather than setting any unrealistic exercise schedule and then beating myself up when I don’t meet my own expectations.

Last but not least, I’ve decided to treat myself to a facelift!  I’m 62 years old, and recently noticed myself looking really tired even when I’m not.  I mentioned that to my hub the other day, and he said, well, why don’t you look into a facelift?  He was quick to say he didn’t think I needed one...of course, he had to say that!.  But I’ve talked about getting a facelift for several years, so he said maybe now I should have one if I want it.   So I’m just starting the process to find a doctor that can give me a "refreshed" look.  I’m not interested in looking like I’m perpetually surprised, I just want to look like myself 10 years ago.   I’m thinking I might try to have it done in mid-July.  If not then, I might wait until September. 

So, right now, life is good!  I hope to get back into visiting and commenting on blogs soon.  Take care, everyone!