HELLO!

...Or, as we say in the style of my office when anyone walks in…Hel-LOOOO! 

(think Seinfeld  “Hello”episode)

I’ve been away so long from blogging.  I did go private for the last 18 months, mostly so I could figure out what to do with my blog without actually worrying about it or deleting it.

But life goes on and is good, so I'm back.  I can’t believe how blessed I am.  This post will be brief, mostly just to get back into it.

I’m still working for the Fire Department at a job I love.  I’m turning 64 in February so starting to anticipate retirement in 2018, when I turn 65. Hubs is still working at age 70, but he is thinking about selling his business in the next year so we can go have fun before we get too old to enjoy retirement. 

About a year ago, I moved my mother into an assisted living place nearby.  This was not an easy decision but she has dementia and couldn’t live on her own any more.  This first year was difficult with her laying a major guilt trip on me about moving her.  She definitely still knows how to push my buttons!  But, she finally seems to have adjusted and likes the place she lives.  Her being close by in a structured environment makes my life so much easier too.  Now it's much more convenient to keep an eye on her, take her to doctor appointments, even just visit her, etc.  She's always been a social butterfly, so now she has lots of friends (even if she can't ever remember their names).    

My boy Buster is still around, he’s 13 now, but still generally healthy.  He is getting a bit creaky in the joints, is pretty deaf, and I don’t think he sees very well either.  But he still looks forward to a stroll in the park, his dinner at night, and treats.  Oh, and we have taken on my mother’s two little dogs, who were basically wild animals from lack of discipline, but they have calmed down a lot with a routine they can count on.  Buster likes them fine so everyone is happy.   

Weight wise, I’m about the same, maybe a little smaller (I don’t weigh, but clothes I was wearing a year ago are a little loose now).  I'm still doing (a non-rigid version of) Intermittent Fasting...that style of eating just works for me. I’ve been working out 3-4 times a week with a trainer, which is expensive but really is my one financial self-indulgence.  To be honest, I kinda hate it!  He pushes me to the point that I often jokingly tell him I'm glad I'm sweating because it hides my tears.  But having a scheduled time with him keeps me accountable, injury free (because he is a real stickler for form), and when each session is over, I feel good and accomplished.  I'm really strong for my age and pretty toned too, if I do say so myself.  I did have the facelift I discussed in my last post, and it was worth every penny.    

I stopped going to my therapist Dr. D about a 9 months ago, as I think we had covered just about everything there was to talk about, plus I had stopped crying every time I saw her.  To me that meant a lot of the childhood trauma had finally been resolved.  I learned a lot from her and I think I’m doing pretty well emotionally on my own. 

That’s about it!  I haven’t read many blogs lately but I’m looking forward to touching base with anyone who is still around!     

Hi Everyone (anyone?)

I was feeling so bad when I posted last that I really thought it might be better to just “forget” blogging.  I went private for a while to decide whether I wanted to keep the blog or delete it.  

Fortunately, things are better now, although my mom is still abusive and demented (literally, she suffers from dementia), I’m only spending a few hours a week with her.  So I’m in a better place emotionally and her craziness doesn’t affect me so much.  It’s easier to take the things she says and does with a grain of salt when I’m not around her as much. 

Early morning on the lake

The weather here in the Pacific Northwest has been wonderful for several weeks (if you want to see how nice it is, look at some of the coverage of the US Open this weekend…that golf course is literally 15 minutes away from my mom’s house.).  It really makes a big difference in my mood when the weather is good, and the days are long.  Sunrise is around 5:30 and sunset today isn’t until around 9:30!  It's glorious. 

I’m still doing intermittent fasting with an emphasis on lower carbs.  My weight has been pretty stable the past few months (by stable,  since I don’t weigh myself, I mean I’m wearing the same clothes for the last several months with no feeling of change in how they fit). 

I’ve been working out with a trainer 2 times a week since January.  The weight training is definitely making a big difference in my attitude about my body.  I feel stronger and more toned, and even though I’d still like to lose 5-10 more pounds, I’m more focused on just getting strong.  Working with the trainer gives me the impetus to work out on my own on off days.  I'm not doing much cardio, just weights and abdominal exercises.  Buster is getting up there in age,  and we still go to the park on my days off, but that’s really just a stroll for his benefit, not mine.  I’m being much more forgiving towards myself when I don’t “exercise”...rather than setting any unrealistic exercise schedule and then beating myself up when I don’t meet my own expectations.

Last but not least, I’ve decided to treat myself to a facelift!  I’m 62 years old, and recently noticed myself looking really tired even when I’m not.  I mentioned that to my hub the other day, and he said, well, why don’t you look into a facelift?  He was quick to say he didn’t think I needed one...of course, he had to say that!.  But I’ve talked about getting a facelift for several years, so he said maybe now I should have one if I want it.   So I’m just starting the process to find a doctor that can give me a "refreshed" look.  I’m not interested in looking like I’m perpetually surprised, I just want to look like myself 10 years ago.   I’m thinking I might try to have it done in mid-July.  If not then, I might wait until September. 

So, right now, life is good!  I hope to get back into visiting and commenting on blogs soon.  Take care, everyone!

The New (Old) Crazy

My 85 year old mom has been having trouble with her knee for the last several months and it had gotten so she couldn’t walk or even stand for more than a few minutes.  I took her to the orthopedic surgeon who said she had 2 options “neither of them good” at her age...do nothing or have a knee replacement.  She and I discussed it with the doctor, and the fact is that she was getting increasingly depressed due to not being able to get around, walk her dogs, etc.  The fact also is she could possibly live another 10 years, which meant that doing nothing was not really an option either.

So she had knee replacement last Thursday, and I spent 3 days at the hospital with her, with a few breaks to go to her house and take care of her dogs.  The surgery went well, and she’s already able to walk on the knee (with a walker of course).  The first day after surgery, she was all sweetness and light, happy and chatty to the nurses and any visitors.  Then the dark side started to come out.  I chalk some of it up to the anesthesia and pain drugs, but she became so angry and abusive towards me. First, she refused to talk to me, then every time I tried to help her with anything (get out of bed, or use the bathroom), she would scream at me and start to accuse me of all sorts of crazy stuff.  She said she knows I want her to fall down and die.  She even told the nurses I was trying to kill her.  It got so bad, the nurses finally told me I should go home, just stay away for a while.  

My cousin and brother also were there a lot of the time, and when I wasn’t there, my mother would ask where I was and when was I coming back, she missed me so!  But whenever I would be there, she’d get angry again.  Apparently she blames me for everything that she feels is wrong right now. The nurses think it is probably because I was the one who went with her to the doctor when the decision to have the operation was made.

So my brother has been down there keeping an eye on her, but I came home Sunday morning (the hospital is about  an hour away from me).  At this point, I haven’t seen or talked to her since Saturday night.  To be honest, I’ve been too traumatized to contact her directly. 

If any of you have read my blog from the beginning, you know I have always had a difficult relationship with my mom.  She was very physically and emotionally abusive to both my brother and me when we were growing up. She was also anorexic and alcoholic, and there is evidence that she also has borderline personality disorder (think Mommie Dearest).  As a result of this dysfunctional childhood, I developed a severe eating disorder (anorexia alternating with bulimia) in my teens that lasted until my 40's, and even after that I continued to have a strange restricted way of eating and a distorted view of my body until I finally got into therapy a few years ago.

I feel like this experience has caused a huge step back in my recovery.  I truly haven’t binged or starved myself or purged in over 10 years.  But the last few days have brought up a lot of bad memories and emotions, and I've even had some PTSD type flashbacks and nightmares this weekend.  I’ve spent the last two days (today being a holiday) on the couch in my sweats, watching TV and bingeing off and on.  I haven’t even taken a shower since I got home and I just noticed I'm starting to smell bad!  As much as I know all that is counterproductive, it seems the only thing that soothes me (at least temporarily) is eating ice cream and potato chips.  My stomach is so bloated I look like I’m pregnant.  All of this is so out of character for me now that my husband asked me today what's going on...so I told him I thought I was getting the flu.  I was too ashamed to tell him the truth (and I didn't even really tell him everything that happened at the hospital).  Of course, he's working all day, so he doesn't know what I've been eating and the wrappers are easily hidden.

So now I'm feeling a TON of SHAME...shame about what happened at the hospital, shame that the nurses witnessed the whole crazy scene, and now about all the crap I've been eating.  But a little while ago, I decided instead of continuing to wallow and feeling sorry for myself, I’ll feel better and stop eating my emotions if I put all this crap out there.  So I’m blogging about it as therapy. And I'm trying to be as honest here as I can be, rather than hide behind a facade that everything is great (which is my usual MO). 

Tomorrow is another day.  This afternoon, they took her to a rehab facility where she’ll get physical therapy and skilled nursing care until she is ready to go home (if she ever can) in a month or so.   So I’ll be visiting her tomorrow in her new "home".  We’ll see how it goes. 

The bottom line is I can’t allow myself be abused like that, as it obviously takes a terrible toll on me.