My Holy Grail

Holy Grail: def. "A distant, all-but-unobtainable ultimate goal; a difficult or near-impossible goal that would prove to be a major benefit"

I have a habit of keeping "sentimental" clothes. These are clothes, even though now out of style, remind me of special times or events in my life.

One of those sentimental items is a pair of Cambio jeans. I think the last time I wore them was around 1998. There is no tag inside, so I'm not sure what size they are. Either a 10 or 12.

I have kept these jeans in a box in my downstairs closet for 12 years. I remember wearing them while hub and I were in San Francisco to celebrate my 45th birthday…one of the best times of my life.

I absolutely loved everything about these jeans…the style, the material, the color, and the fact that they were "expensive" (I was used to wearing $30 Levis). But especially I remember that I loved them because I had lost a lot of weight, and they were evidence of that. These were my "skinny" jeans…it was the way I felt at the time. I remember feeling so skinny.

I don't think I ever wore those jeans again after that trip to San Francisco. I'm sure I immediately gained enough weight that they were too tight and uncomfortable. But I kept them as a reminder of how I felt at that weight (exactly what number was, I don't remember). I would try them on every few years after losing some weight, but they were always still too small...and then I'd gain back whatever weight I'd lost.

For years, these jeans have been my "Holy Grail."

This morning, I dug those jeans out of the bottom of that box in the closet. I thought, I just wonder how close I am to being able to wear these again. They looked so small, I thought, no way. At first I was going to just put them away again, but I decided, what the heck, I'll try them on.

I put them on…and zipped them up. And they fit perfectly.

Of course, that made me happy.

Oh, fuck, who am I kidding...I was ECSTATIC!!!

But it also made me wonder…when do I stop? How do I know if this is the weight I should stay at? Or should I lose another few pounds? My current BMI of 24.2 is in the "normal" range. But it's on the high side of normal...normal is considered to be between 18.5-24.9. Should I strive to get it more into the middle (say 22)? Or is it okay to be high normal?

Since the age of 14, I've never "not" been trying to lose weight. I've never "not" been ON a diet unless it was when I was OFF my diet...which of course meant binge eating and quickly gaining weight. I've never been on "maintenance." The concept is totally foreign to me. I know this comes from growing up with a mother whose mantra was that you could never be too thin. I don't know how to get past the feeling that I should still be losing weight.

I've never been normal. I don't know how to eat normally. I don't know how to stop thinking I need to lose weight, or to stop trying to lose weight, or to stop obsessing about it.

I think I need a new "Holy Grail"…

Normal.

Such a small, nice word. But so difficult to achieve.

Does anyone have any advice on how to finally accept yourself as "normal" and to stop trying to be "perfect"?

My week so far

I've got it...

…the crud, that is.

Thanks a lot, hub...

I've been increasingly sick since Sunday night, and haven't been to work this week and won't be going in tomorrow either.

I have been sitting on my butt, watching TV, sleeping, coughing, blowing my nose. Now I have a stomach thing going on. I feel like crap. Yuck. Total yuck.

I'll be back when I'm feeling better and have something to say that's not whiny.