Emotional vs. Physical Hunger

I've lost 4 lb. since New Years! Wahoo!

I should be thrilled, right?

Hmmm...that's actually a very good question and right now I don't know the answer.

Although this blog started out as a "weight loss blog" in December 2008, the truth is I'm not very overweight…I've never been very overweight. I've discovered that my problems are mostly emotional.

As a former bulimic, I have a terribly distorted body image. As the result of some wonderful advice from other bloggers I've started therapy. And in the past 9 months, this blog has become less about my weight and much more about my therapy, my childhood, my relationship with my mother, and occasionally the boring minutiae of my life.

My weight has stopped being the main focus of this blog. I really feel like I'm in a better place than I was 9 months ago. But...my weight is still the main focus of my life. I'm still obsessed with my weight. It's the first thing I think about in the morning, and the last thing I think about at night. It colors every experience of every day. Whenever I meet anyone, the first thought in my mind is to wonder if that person thinks I'm fat.

Yup, I still have an eating disorder.

For my whole fucking life, I have been literally ravenous. Ever since I was 12 years old, my life revolved around a desire for food but a also a desire to not eat food. Food was my best friend and my worst enemy. But my main quest was to be thin, by whatever means it took.

During my last session with Dr D on Wednesday, I came to a realization. The only thing my mother and I did together during my teenage years was…diet. It was the only way I could get my mother to pay attention to me, the only way I could get her approval. When we starved together, we were "girlfriends." She wasn't mean to me while we were dieting. It was something we had in common and we could talk about all the details of whatever diet we were on at the time, and commiserate on how awful we felt while we were starving ourselves. We had regular weigh-ins where we would compare how much each of us had lost.

Most of all, I just remember being hungry all the time. But I couldn't eat, because Mom and I were on a diet together. Sometimes I'd snap, and binge when she wasn't around. Of course then I'd need to do something drastic to offset the binge so it wouldn't show up on the scale...so she wouldn't find out that I had been eating.

Other than that, I never had a "real" relationship with my anorexic, possibly BPD mother. I developed an emotional hunger which was probably stronger than any physical hunger. I think I ended up with a combination of both.

Since I've been going through therapy and blogging, it's helped alleviate much of the "emotional hunger" that I had for so many years. I'm no longer ravenous all the time, but a new twist has emerged.

I now weigh 165, which is a good weight for someone 5"10" tall. Yes, I've already lost 4 lb. since New Year's; my goal for 2010 was to lose 7 lbs. So I'm 3 lb. from the NY goal, which was supposed to be the loss goal for a whole year.

The problem now is…I'm not hungry.

I don't recognize feelings of real physical hunger. I don't know when to eat or how much to eat. So I find myself not eating at all. It's easier, since right now I don't trust my body's hunger. It's not real to me yet because the emotional hunger was the stronger of the two my whole life. I don't know if I'm hungry or full or something in between.

Right now, I'm not eating much, because I don't know how. My mind doesn't really recognize physical hunger. What does real hunger feel like? I don't have a clue. So I haven't been eating until I reach the point of being shaky or almost ready to pass out. Right now that's the only way I recognize hunger.

Isn't it funny that you work towards fixing one problem and you end up with another? I have to admit I have mixed emotions…I'm loving the fact that I'm not hungry and losing weight...but I also recognize that this is probably the flip side of compulsive overeating. It's still an eating disorder. It's still not healthy.

Dr D is concerned, and temporarily we're meeting once a week, rather than every two weeks. I need to get a handle on this new unexpected problem.

I'm certainly not asking for sympathy for this weird problem. When I read some of the inspiring weight loss blogs, I realize my problem is small by comparison. But I want to be normal. I want to be able to recognize real hunger. I want to live a healthy life.

I know I will figure this out. I'm nowhere thin enough to be concerned yet, but I need to get this new mental aberration under control before it becomes a real physical issue. But I know I can do it. This is just a minor blip on the radar.

Got Self-Esteem?

A fellow in another department, someone I hadn’t seen for a while, came by my office to ask me a question, but then he stopped, stepped back and said “You’ve lost a lot of weight, haven’t you?” I could have kissed him, but he’s not my type…lol.

Now, I would NOT say that I’ve lost “a lot” of weight. However, I guess a pound or two every month for the past 9 months does add up to a noticeable difference when someone hasn’t seen you for a while. The people I work with every day haven’t really noticed, because the loss has been SO slow (15 lbs in a year). So it’s a big boost to have someone notice, but I wonder if I should be so thrilled about such a small thing.

Last Saturday, Roxie had an interesting observation on the need for external validation and it really struck a chord with me. When I saw Dr D about 2 weeks ago, I was telling her how I was hurt that my mom hadn’t noticed I’d lost weight…or maybe she had but for whatever strange, twisted reason, she decided not to comment.

So here I am, 56 years old, and I'm still seeking Mommy’s approval, which is pretty sad. The bottom line is I'm never going to get it. She's nice to me sometimes, but just as often she's not nice, or dismissive, or downright mean. She wants to be the center of attention, which means I can't be. (In fact, Dr D thinks she's being competitive with me…which is kind of creepy so I'm not sure I want to think about that today…maybe another time after some additional therapy...ha ha.)

Anyway, low self-esteem is definitely MY main issue, I've dealt with it my whole life. I always figured no one would like me unless I was perfect in every way, and that's a recipe for failure right there. If I got positive comments, it would spur me on to ever greater heights of perfectionism, to try to get even more compliments. But at some point, I would fail (at not being perfect) and my self-esteem would go out the window. When the compliments stopped, I'd stop trying. I'd say to myself "What's the use, no one is noticing anyway?" I'd beat myself up for not being perfect...the highs and lows of attempting perfection and then failing became a vicious circle.

The bottom line is… If I’m going to lose weight, I need to do it for ME and my own happiness and comfort, not for anyone else…including my mom. I shouldn't depend so much on the approval and compliments of others for motivation. I should lose weight in a healthy way, a way that doesn't involve perfection, a way that doesn't involve restricting so much that I'm bound to fail. I also need to learn that compliments are a good thing, but not the ONLY thing...they shouldn't be the only reason to work at being healthy and losing weight.

I'm still mulling over all this stuff, working on finding the answers which I know are inside of me, and I think it will come together eventually. I just need to be patient.

Happy Day After New Year!

New Year's Day was a really lazy day...mostly because I woke up with a bit of a hangover. The wedding was SO much fun. The ceremony and the happy couple were absolutely gorgeous, the reception was fabulous, the food was delicious...and the wine flowed like water.

I ended up wearing the cocktail dress, because although I assumed the shimmery top would fit, when I put it on…it was way TOO BIG! Thank goodness the cocktail dress did still fit or I wouldn't have had anything to wear. It's that stretchy material that lets you go up or down a size or two, and just shrinks (or stretches) to fit. I AM happy to say, the dress fit much more comfortably than it did this summer. I guess that's a NSV?

Hub has also been losing weight, and when he put on his suit, the pants literally were falling off him and the coat hung on him. So he had to wear a belt to keep his pants on. Still, he looked so handsome...but he definitely needs to get a new suit.

We left the reception early enough so we could get home before midnight. There are always fireworks at midnight, which B hates, and I wanted to be with him so he wouldn't be too afraid. It was fortunate we left when we did, otherwise the hangover would have probably been much worse. Still, a hangover of any size usually saps me of any motivation to do much and yesterday was no exception. I did almost nothing all day except sit on the couch and watch old movies on TCM.

However, today is another story! I'm just finishing my coffee and after I post this, I'll be jumping on the treadmill for an hour. I also have a few organizational things I need to get done around the house, plus take down the tree and put away all the Christmas stuff.

So, I better get busy…time's a wasting. Have a great weekend!