Thinking about...the Geneen Roth Workshop

I promised to share my thoughts on the Geneen Roth Workshop (which I attended on October 8 & 9), but it took me a while to process what I was thinking. Plus I wanted to discuss with Dr D first, which we did on Monday. So…here’s my take on the workshop:

I’ve read all of Geneen Roth’s books, so I almost felt like I knew her before the workshop. Geneen herself was adorable and very funny. I could have listened to her talk about her life for hours. But once we got into the activities, I think my experience was quite different from most of the other women there.

• I felt like I was in a 3rd grade arithmetic class when I’ve already passed calculus.

This is not to disparage the workshop itself. It’s just that after 2 years of therapy, I’ve already addressed many of the mental/emotional issues that Geneen had us working on in a (necessarily) superficial manner.

It surprised me that there were still a lot of folks who were apparently there to “lose weight” (as if it was a diet class), rather than trying to understand why food was such an issue in their lives. What is the pain that causes us to turn to food instead of dealing with our feelings? While I was chatting with some of the other attendees, 3 different times I was asked if I’d lost a lot of weight. As if to say, "You look normal, why are you here?" It seems that people often don’t understand that severe food issues are not always manifested in outward appearances. So I actually felt a bit out of place there. Not because of how I look but because of the preconceived idea “You wouldn’t be here unless you are or were fat.”

• While some of the activities were interesting, one major activity of the workshop grossed me out big time. I’ve come to think of it as…“The Dixie Cup”…

At the start of this activity, Geneen's helpers passed out little Dixie cups. Each contained one corn chip, 2 raisins, and one Hershey’s kiss. I knew immediately…oh crap, this is not going to be a good experience for me.

Geneen then spent a lot of time having people pick up the corn chip, smell it, rub it on their lips (!), then take a tiny bite and hold it in their mouths. She asked the participants to describe the taste, their thoughts, and their emotions regarding the chip. I understand that she was leading the group towards being mindful and aware of what we are eating, rather than eating unconsciously. But…

I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t even touch that corn chip. The smell was disgusting, and the thought of that greasy chip on my lips… Ugh. The truth is…I don’t like corn chips under normal circumstances. Then we were supposed to pick up the raisins, roll them around between our fingers, etc, etc. Well, I don’t like raisins either, and the thought of holding those rabbit pellets in my hand and then putting them in my mouth, especially not knowing where they’d been or who had touched them besides me, made me want to puke.

Finally, when Geneen started in on the Hershey’s kiss, it was just too much. I had to leave the room. I just don’t eat chocolate anymore; I haven’t had even one bite of chocolate since 1996 when I gave it up after a particularly severe bulimic binge.

So, while everyone else was participating with enthusiasm and seemed to get a lot out of the exercise it was just too uncomfortable for me. It felt almost intimate... and I don't want to be that intimate with food. All I kept thinking was…All this playing with food…YUCK…what's next...oh no, I'm gonna be sick…

Yes, I recognize that I still have some phobias related to food, so it’s not that it was a bad exercise… but this one gave me major heebie jeebies.

• For me, the intuitive eating idea is actually 180 degrees opposite from how most women at the workshop were looking at it.

I’m really not a compulsive eater, at least not in the classic sense of the term. I don’t eat a lot of food at any one time. For me, a binge is two doughnuts or two candy bars, usually because I've waited to long to to eat and so I’m literally starving. I don’t really eat unconsciously, in fact I eat TOO consciously. I overanalyze everything I eat.

My problem…I’m often at an 8 or 9 on a scale of 1-10 before I allow myself to eat. I often get faint or shaky or brain-dead before it finally occurs to me that maybe I should have eaten something a while ago. While it might seems as if I’ve forgotten to eat, I think it’s really that my subconscious tells me I’m not supposed to eat, that I don't deserve to eat, that I’m supposed to starve myself…so I ignore the hunger. I often feel guilty when I eat even normal amounts of food. You could even say…I’m a compulsive non-eater, which is classic bulimic/anorexic behavior.

During one exercise, we were supposed to talk about the eating guidelines and what we wanted to get out of the workshop. We were each given one guideline to talk about. Mine was "Eat when you are hungry (truly hungry, body hungry...not mind hungry)." I thought about it, then I shared with my small group that I wanted to learn to eat when I’m hungry. I explained… "Rather than eating when I’m not hungry, I don’t eat when I am hungry." I was met with blank looks and I don’t think the other ladies in my group could relate…or at least that was my perception (it could have just been my natural self-consciousness when I talk about myself). Whether that perception was true or just my imagination, I got very embarrassed. It reminded me a bit of when I used to go to Overeaters Anonymous, and I felt like an outcast because I wasn't overweight and had never been overweight. (Just a side note...when I attended Anorexics Anonymous and Bulimics Anonymous back in the early 1990's, I felt like an outcast there too because I wasn't sickly thin.)

• Finally, probably the most picky thing on my part (and I almost hesitate to bring it up)….There was a lot of wasted time and I got rather frustrated.

There was a lot of hawking of other books, workshops, CD's, memberships in other organizations, etc.

There were several long interludes of listening to strange music by a guitar-playing singer who never smiled and looked like the most miserable human being on earth. We were supposed to relax and listen and think about the words she was singing. But the truth is…I hated it. I obviously have different taste in music than Geneen does…and I wanted to be WORKING on something. That's why I was there. Not to listen to music that I wouldn't listen to...well, if YOU paid ME.

In the end…I am definitely glad I went…the best thing was meeting Diana, who obviously got a lot out of the workshop. You can see from her blog that she is putting a lot of effort into exploring the eating guidelines.

As for me, I did learn a few things....there is always something to be learned if you keep an open mind. But in all honesty, the workshop was not something I'd do again. I’ll continue to work on my emotional health and physical well-being, working with Dr D, eating right, working out, living life.

Just no more workshops. I feel like I’m doing really well on my own.