Listening to the New Voice

I'm so glad it's the weekend. I survived the second day of computer class. We're currently short staffed, so the rest of the week was pretty busy. It was beautiful yesterday, so I spent the afternoon working in the yard, cleaning up my tomato pots which, sadly, never really produced anything substantial this year. It was so cold and rainy the whole summer that they just never got the sun and heat they needed. Today it has been raining off and on (more on than off) but I did take B to the park. He was wet and dirty when we got home, so he had to have a bath, which he just hates. But now he is fluffy and smells good.

I had an interesting therapy session with Dr D on Wednesday. I've gained a few lbs since I went to Hawaii with my friend (I'm at 167 right now, up from 162 then, which was my lowest in 10 years). I go from being okay with it, to being freaked out about it. I can't decide how I feel. Or why I feel so unsettled about it. After all, it's just a few lbs. Dr D asked me why I think I'm so worried about a few lbs. What's the worst that can happen if I weigh 167 instead of 162? I had to think about it, but after awhile, I told her, I think that unless I'm thin, people will be disappointed in me, or won't like me. She kept pushing me, though. "Do you really think people won't like you if you weigh 167 instead of 162?" After thinking about it some more, I acknowledged that she is right, not only do people not care what I weigh, I really doubt anyone really even notices the difference. "So WHO won't like you?" she kept asking.

Of course, the real answer is...my mother.

Then I told Dr D I sometimes think I'm exaggerating in my mind how bad things were in my childhood. After all, my mom is not the mean, crazy mother now that she was back then…yes, she's still a bit crazy and annoying, but not mean. So was she really that awful, was my childhood really that bad? After all, I told her, I often think about all the "more awful" things that could have happened to me. I wasn't sexually molested, I wasn't burned with cigarettes.

She said, "I counsel a lot of women who are dealing with childhood trauma. If I were to rank them on a scale, the abuse you suffered is in the top 10, maybe in the top 5." Wow, I felt for a moment like I'd won an Oscar. Until I thought more about what it meant to be in the "top 5" of this particular category. I don't know why, but at that very moment I felt very sad but also validated in how screwed up I am. It made more sense to me.

I remember when I saw the movie "Mommie Dearest" in the early 80's, I just hated it. I remember having to leave the theater during the wire hanger scene. I didn't find it "campy" or over-the-top, like some of the reviewers called it. It was too real to me. I remember telling my (now ex) husband that Christina Crawford's childhood reminded me too much of my own.

In my case, although there were no wire hangers involved, there was a lot of screaming and yelling in my house. Add to this some sporadic occurrences of physical violence, mostly towards my brother, but occasionally Mom would come at me, enraged, screaming and slapping. During these times, I remember being terrified.

But more frequently, rather than beating me up, she'd give me the silent treatment for days, for some perceived wrongdoing, often nothing I could even figure out what it was. But the silent treatment was worse than being beat up. I remember one time crying and begging her "Please talk to me, Mom, I'm sorry for whatever I've done. Please, please just talk to me." Usually she'd say, "If you don't know what you've done, I'm not going to tell you." And then she'd turn her back on me. I remember just being physically sick to the point of throwing up because I didn't know what else to do, I just felt hopeless. "Mom doesn't love me anymore." But throwing up seemed to help me cope, at least it relieved the anxiety for a little while. And when she finally did start to talk to me again, the relief was so overwhelming that I vowed to never do ANYTHING to make her mad at me again. If her goal was to make me completely under her control, she achieved it. I felt broken.

But I think that might be where my bulimia started. It literally made me feel better to throw up whenever I felt stressed out.

It really is painful to keep doing this therapy, but the fact is…it helps. Of course, there is a lot more to each session than what I can relate here, lots of complicated issues and thought processes. But every session give me more insight and peace. So I guess I'll just keep working on it.

And try to stop worrying about those few lbs. I need to listen to what the "new" voice is telling me. The "old" voice is still there, the one that says "You're fat fat fat," but it is starting to get quieter. The "new" voice says, "You are not what you weigh. You are a good person. You are special, lovable, pretty, smart, accomplished." The "new" voice used to be silent, then it started to whisper those things to me...and recently it has started shouting. So I guess I should pay attention.

Well, it's time to get ready for Saturday evening Mass. I'm ushering tonight.

I hope everyone is having a good weekend.

I Do NOT "Heart" Computer Classes

I spent 8 hours today in a computer class learning how to design reports for a software program we are getting where I work. I will be there again tomorrow for another 8 hours.

I am not a natural at doing computer reports. I am not a computer geek. (I don't mean this in a disparaging way at all...I admire people, like our I.T. folks, who are so computer savvy that they could be described as computer geeks.). I really didn't want to take this class, but they needed someone from our department to be able to do the reports. So I was "volunteered." Lucky me.

Sitting at computer all day makes my neck hurt. Bad. Which makes me feel sorry for myself. Which always makes me want candy. Red candy.

On the way home, I needed to stop at the grocery store, and of course when I went by the bulk food section, the cinnamon bears and red licorice wheels (50% off!) were calling to me. I am pleased to say I didn't succumb, although I came close. I actually put a bag of the licorice wheels in my cart, but then I put it back. Close call, yes. (I really wanted to put a big old X through the picture of the candy, but I don't have a program to do that.)

Instead I came home and took a pain pill (a real pain pill, hydrocodone. YAY!).

Now Buster and I are sitting on the couch while I wait for the pill to work. I'm trying to type but he wants to play with his stuffed squirrel. He makes me laugh because I have a trick that after 7 years he still doesn't understand. When I get the squirrel away from him, I quickly put it behind my head. Then I show him my empty hands and say…Where did it go? He has never figured it out, and always has the same confused look; then the look of total surprise when I pull it back out and show him. Which is pretty funny. No matter what else is going on, B is a little ray of sunshine in my life.

Anyway, just wanted to give a quick update. I hope everyone had a good Monday!

Thinking about...the Geneen Roth Workshop

I promised to share my thoughts on the Geneen Roth Workshop (which I attended on October 8 & 9), but it took me a while to process what I was thinking. Plus I wanted to discuss with Dr D first, which we did on Monday. So…here’s my take on the workshop:

I’ve read all of Geneen Roth’s books, so I almost felt like I knew her before the workshop. Geneen herself was adorable and very funny. I could have listened to her talk about her life for hours. But once we got into the activities, I think my experience was quite different from most of the other women there.

• I felt like I was in a 3rd grade arithmetic class when I’ve already passed calculus.

This is not to disparage the workshop itself. It’s just that after 2 years of therapy, I’ve already addressed many of the mental/emotional issues that Geneen had us working on in a (necessarily) superficial manner.

It surprised me that there were still a lot of folks who were apparently there to “lose weight” (as if it was a diet class), rather than trying to understand why food was such an issue in their lives. What is the pain that causes us to turn to food instead of dealing with our feelings? While I was chatting with some of the other attendees, 3 different times I was asked if I’d lost a lot of weight. As if to say, "You look normal, why are you here?" It seems that people often don’t understand that severe food issues are not always manifested in outward appearances. So I actually felt a bit out of place there. Not because of how I look but because of the preconceived idea “You wouldn’t be here unless you are or were fat.”

• While some of the activities were interesting, one major activity of the workshop grossed me out big time. I’ve come to think of it as…“The Dixie Cup”…

At the start of this activity, Geneen's helpers passed out little Dixie cups. Each contained one corn chip, 2 raisins, and one Hershey’s kiss. I knew immediately…oh crap, this is not going to be a good experience for me.

Geneen then spent a lot of time having people pick up the corn chip, smell it, rub it on their lips (!), then take a tiny bite and hold it in their mouths. She asked the participants to describe the taste, their thoughts, and their emotions regarding the chip. I understand that she was leading the group towards being mindful and aware of what we are eating, rather than eating unconsciously. But…

I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t even touch that corn chip. The smell was disgusting, and the thought of that greasy chip on my lips… Ugh. The truth is…I don’t like corn chips under normal circumstances. Then we were supposed to pick up the raisins, roll them around between our fingers, etc, etc. Well, I don’t like raisins either, and the thought of holding those rabbit pellets in my hand and then putting them in my mouth, especially not knowing where they’d been or who had touched them besides me, made me want to puke.

Finally, when Geneen started in on the Hershey’s kiss, it was just too much. I had to leave the room. I just don’t eat chocolate anymore; I haven’t had even one bite of chocolate since 1996 when I gave it up after a particularly severe bulimic binge.

So, while everyone else was participating with enthusiasm and seemed to get a lot out of the exercise it was just too uncomfortable for me. It felt almost intimate... and I don't want to be that intimate with food. All I kept thinking was…All this playing with food…YUCK…what's next...oh no, I'm gonna be sick…

Yes, I recognize that I still have some phobias related to food, so it’s not that it was a bad exercise… but this one gave me major heebie jeebies.

• For me, the intuitive eating idea is actually 180 degrees opposite from how most women at the workshop were looking at it.

I’m really not a compulsive eater, at least not in the classic sense of the term. I don’t eat a lot of food at any one time. For me, a binge is two doughnuts or two candy bars, usually because I've waited to long to to eat and so I’m literally starving. I don’t really eat unconsciously, in fact I eat TOO consciously. I overanalyze everything I eat.

My problem…I’m often at an 8 or 9 on a scale of 1-10 before I allow myself to eat. I often get faint or shaky or brain-dead before it finally occurs to me that maybe I should have eaten something a while ago. While it might seems as if I’ve forgotten to eat, I think it’s really that my subconscious tells me I’m not supposed to eat, that I don't deserve to eat, that I’m supposed to starve myself…so I ignore the hunger. I often feel guilty when I eat even normal amounts of food. You could even say…I’m a compulsive non-eater, which is classic bulimic/anorexic behavior.

During one exercise, we were supposed to talk about the eating guidelines and what we wanted to get out of the workshop. We were each given one guideline to talk about. Mine was "Eat when you are hungry (truly hungry, body hungry...not mind hungry)." I thought about it, then I shared with my small group that I wanted to learn to eat when I’m hungry. I explained… "Rather than eating when I’m not hungry, I don’t eat when I am hungry." I was met with blank looks and I don’t think the other ladies in my group could relate…or at least that was my perception (it could have just been my natural self-consciousness when I talk about myself). Whether that perception was true or just my imagination, I got very embarrassed. It reminded me a bit of when I used to go to Overeaters Anonymous, and I felt like an outcast because I wasn't overweight and had never been overweight. (Just a side note...when I attended Anorexics Anonymous and Bulimics Anonymous back in the early 1990's, I felt like an outcast there too because I wasn't sickly thin.)

• Finally, probably the most picky thing on my part (and I almost hesitate to bring it up)….There was a lot of wasted time and I got rather frustrated.

There was a lot of hawking of other books, workshops, CD's, memberships in other organizations, etc.

There were several long interludes of listening to strange music by a guitar-playing singer who never smiled and looked like the most miserable human being on earth. We were supposed to relax and listen and think about the words she was singing. But the truth is…I hated it. I obviously have different taste in music than Geneen does…and I wanted to be WORKING on something. That's why I was there. Not to listen to music that I wouldn't listen to...well, if YOU paid ME.

In the end…I am definitely glad I went…the best thing was meeting Diana, who obviously got a lot out of the workshop. You can see from her blog that she is putting a lot of effort into exploring the eating guidelines.

As for me, I did learn a few things....there is always something to be learned if you keep an open mind. But in all honesty, the workshop was not something I'd do again. I’ll continue to work on my emotional health and physical well-being, working with Dr D, eating right, working out, living life.

Just no more workshops. I feel like I’m doing really well on my own.

An update...finally

Yes, I have been seriously remiss in posting. Almost 6 weeks since my last blog post. I just temporarily lost interest, got busy, felt I didn't have much to say, blah blah blah.

In the past 6 weeks, I've been dealing with a still-annoying ankle injury; I've been to Hawaii with a friend (more on that in another blog post); I've been busy with a lot of various projects at work. In other words...just a lot of the same-old same-old going on. In other words...a lot going on but not a lot to say about it.

So, what has given me the boot-in-the-butt to start posting again?

I had a wonderful time this weekend at the Geneen Roth workshop in Seattle, but it wasn't so much because of the workshop...

It was because of meeting Diana. She is a lovely person both inside and out. She is beautiful, and funny, and nice. We both have the same weird sense of humor. Sometimes we'd look at each other and just start laughing…and we both knew what we were laughing about. It was like we were reading each other's mind. We talked about some of the bloggers we both follow regularly as if they are mutual friends...well, the fact is...they are!

Spending time with her made me realize how much I miss blogging, and the support I get from all my friends in the blogosphere. I'd never have met Diana if it wasn't for having a blog.

I'll post a little more soon about my thoughts on the workshop itself. In the meantime, you can read more at Diana's blog, where she has so eloquently described her experience.

So, that's it for now. I just wanted to check in and let everyone know I'll be back on a more regular basis. See you again soon!