Yesterday my mind played some very dirty tricks on me.
I have been doing very well with my eating since I started on the Wellbutrin about 3 weeks ago. Besides helping with depression, it also seems to lessen my appetite. So I haven’t binged once or even had the urge to do so. I’ve been feeling better about myself, and without knowing for sure, lately my perception has been that I’m losing a bit of weight. I’ve been feeling “thin.”
So yesterday morning, I had the recurring thought “I’ll bet I’ve lost some weight, I should weigh myself and see how much.” The impulse was there to weigh myself. But I fought it. I just kept telling myself “Dr D said not to weigh...Dr D said not to weigh...” The fact is, I knew if the number was not what I was wanting or expecting, I’d be back at square one mentally. So I decided to just go with the flow, and I let myself feel thin without actually "knowing" the number on the scale. After a while, the impulse to weigh myself passed.
The other piece of Dr D’s advice has been to not look at my body in the mirror. This is a bit more difficult, because unless I put a sheet over the bathroom vanity mirror, I’m going to catch a glimpse now and then. Well, yesterday afternoon, I had really let down my guard and I got an eyeful. Let me tell you…All those thoughts about “I’m thin” went flying out of the bathroom window.
Last night, we were going out to dinner with a man my husband knows from his business, so I had jumped in the shower about 4:30. When I came out, there IT was…My huge flabby white stomach…And it was UGLY. It looked like a big old white pillow around my middle. I felt shocked and sick.
It’s as if my mind took a photograph, and since then that photograph has been playing over and over in my mind. I can’t get rid of it. It keeps creeping in. During dinner last night, I kept thinking how thin the man's wife was, and how fat I am.
The demons in my mind are just nasty buggers. They had been fairly quiet for a while, but now they're back and I can't get them to shut up. It’s times like this that I despise my mother for what she did to me.
I wish that blasted image would go away or at least recede a bit. I wish I could take a vacuum cleaner and vacuum out all the garbage that's in my head. Logically I know it's garbage, but it still feels so real. It's as if I'm looking at a picture and pictures don't lie, right? They say perception is reality...but which perception is real? The first one of the day, where I was feeling thin and good about myself? Or the second one where I think I look like a fat cow?
I’m going to try to keep active today to keep my mind off that picture. I’m going to take B for a long walk, and then work in my garden. When I go to church tonight I'll pray for a quiet mind. I don't really need to lose weight or be thinner to be happy. What I really need is a quiet mind.
Sweetie, the book I've started to read talks about "letting go of mental and emotional obesity." It is about controlling the mind and telling the mind that it is "safe to be thin." I wonder if the positive visualizations in this book might help you to "let go." I am sending you a hug.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for this thoughtful post. Preception is a funny thing. Everyone's is differant. I can so relate to the mental pictue in my mind. Only mine thinks I'm not as fat as I really am. Otherwise, how could I have allowed my weight get to over 260 lbs.
ReplyDeleteThis whole thing is SO not about food. It is centerd in my mind. That's why I don't trust myself or my perceptions. This is about what I turn to for comfort. It's about finding a way to cope. Besides food! That's why I could always loose the weight, but never keep it off.
Thanks again for another honest,relatable post.
The mind...it's a terrible thing to waste.
I keep trying to tell myself "I am more than my body" irrespective of what the scale may say. I have found over the years that the size of my behind took up far too much space in my head. "I am more than my body". Say it with me :-)
ReplyDeleteThank you for posting.
I can so relate to all you wrote. We are our biggest critic. We need to love ourselves now and in our process. Thank our body for forgiving us for the abuse on it and for carrying us forward. Pet your body and tell it you love and and you want to take care of it now. Just remember, we are not a number on a scale or a size of clothing.
ReplyDeleteyour post really hit home with me. I was feeling pretty good about myself the other day - husband had said something particularly flattering and I chose to believe it. Later in the day, I got out of the shower and when I whipped my head up after wrapping it in a towel, and caught a glimpse of my stomach while I was bent over. I was immediately embarrassed for having believed my husband. More proof that my battle is in my head. Sheesh. The worst part is that I honestly think my husband doesn't notice the flaws... well, he doesn't zero in on them and spend hours contemplating them.... I long for that freedom....
ReplyDeleteIn any case, prayer is a good idea. (or meditation for readers who don't pray) sometimes I think I need to treat battling my poor body image like a 12 step program. handing it over to a higher power would be a good step.
The mind is a nasty little critter at times. There is nothing more mentally draining than negative head chatter (suffering myself right now).
ReplyDeleteIn the thoughts of the woman you went out to dinner with, she may have been looking at you envying something you had that she doesn't see in herself. Always remember that. You never ever know what the weakness (negative mind chatter of another) is that they suffer.
Sending you some 'feel better' hugs.