Just Relaxing...

We’re now in San Francisco, staying at the home of another of hub's old friends. I’m amazed at the difference in the weather between two cities that are only about an hour apart; Novato (hot and sunny) and San Francisco (cool and overcast).

Hub’s friend doesn’t have wireless internet, but I’ve been able to pick up access through a free open wi-fi network called Sonic.net. Unfortunately, I have to go into a back corner of our bedroom to pick it up, and the strength of the signal varies between weak and weaker. But I’m not complaining…well, maybe a little… lol. It’s too slow for any video or even some regular web pages.

The fellow we’re staying with has been friends with my husband since the late sixties, back when hub first got back from Vietnam. Back then they were both unmarried wild men. Whenever they get together, they still act like total idiots and laugh at the stupidest things, but it does my heart good to see hub act like a kid. His friend (who is divorced) has 3 grown daughters; one daughter (I'll call her "L") is 31 years old and single, and she and I totally connect. Last night the 4 of us went out to dinner at Westlake Joe’s in Daly City. They have a wonderful seafood menu; hub and his friend always have filet of sole and ravioli with pesto sauce; and L and I always have calamari steak and spaghetti with butter and cheese. It was so decadent!

I have to admit all my willpower went out the door, and I ate every bite (except a small piece of the calamari which I took home to B). Throughout the course of the evening, we also drank several carafes of red wine. It was definitely a fun evening…in fact, it was maybe just a bit TOO much fun, because I woke up with a bit of a hangover. Other than taking B for a 45 minute walk this morning, today I'm taking it easy on activity, food, and alcohol. Tonight we’ll probably just hang out and watch movies on TV.

Tomorrow L and I are going for a spa day; and tomorrow night is the class reunion. After all the non-stop partying the last week, I sure hope my dress still fits! It’s kind of stretchy so it should be okay…and thank heavens for Spanx!

A day of ups and downs...

...literally!

Anybody else out there like amusement parks? Well, I’m a real roller coaster freak and I can’t imagine more fun than we had today. We spent the day at “California’s Great America” in Santa Clara…Hub and his friend from high school, along with 2 visiting 19-year-old girls from Canada, and myself. I was the only one who went on almost every ride, and I only finally quit because I thought my teeth were going to rattle out of my head on the last true "roller coasty" type, the Grizzly. But here’s the list of what I did today, you can look at the descriptions here:

FireFall
Demon
Drop Tower Scream Zone
Invertigo
Psycho Mouse
Vortex
Grizzly
Rip Roaring Rapids (we saved this one for very last before we went home, cuz we knew we'd get totally soaked...and we did)

But the absolute best experience of the day was:

Xtreme Skyflyer I’m including the description on this one, because it was so freakin' incredible:
Experience the breathtaking thrill of hang gliding and skydiving. You'll be hoisted 153 feet above ground, and dive at speeds up to 60 miles per hour while free-falling 17 stories toward the Earth skimming just six feet above the ground.

I had to pay extra for this one, but it was totally worth it! Hub even offered the 19 year olds $20 to go with me, but they declined, so I went all by myself. I loved it. Hub said the look on my face as I zoomed over them was one of sheer joy…

Hub got lots of pictures of the day, but he forgot to bring his memory stick so I can’t download them onto my laptop right now. You may have to wait until we get back to see them, but I promise to post a bunch.

I’ll try to catch up with everyone’s blogs in the next few days, but right now, I’m exhausted, so I’m ready for bed. Tomorrow we’re going into San Francisco to stay with another old friend for a day or two.

Thanks to everyone who has commented recently and asked how my vacation is going…I really miss you guys when I don’t have internet access!

Hi there!

Hi everyone! Sorry I’ve been incommunicado for so many days. We’ve been traveling through Oregon. So far we’ve stayed in very cheap-o hotels, which we just love. No internet access. The towels, toilet paper, and Kleenex were super scratchy! One hotel we stayed at in Pacific City had no outlets in the bathroom, so I had to blow dry my hair in the kitchen, without a mirror. My hair actually turned out better than it normally does!

The weather has been beautiful, a little windy on Sunday, but otherwise it’s been great. We’ve been exploring the sand dunes in Oregon around Florence, Winchester Bay and Coos Bay. Hub bought a “sandrail” (a fancy name for a dune buggy) a few weeks ago (without asking me...not that I care) so he’s looking for a place to ride it.

Now we’re in Novato, California, staying with friends of hub. We just had dinner with our friends, and are sitting on their deck drinking wine and chatting, laughing about stupid memories. We just saw a rat on the fence, and one of the girls screamed. B got scared of the screaming, not the rat. Lol

This post is a bit disjointed…it must be the wine! But I’m having fun and enjoying myself.

Now that I have internet access, I’ll post more later when I’m more sober.

Bye for now!

So...we're off! The car is packed; B is anxious, actually he's practically hysterical, because until we put him in the car, he's not sure he's getting to go with us; and the weather is feakin' gorgeous! Although I'm taking my laptop, I don't know when I'll next have internet access, so I'll just say "bye for now."

I hope everyone has a great Memorial Day holiday!

Pre-vacation chores

We’re getting ready to leave on vacation (driving to SF) this Friday so of course we had a bunch of chores to do this weekend.

The most important thing to do was to give B a bath and his summer haircut, so he doesn’t get too hot, plus so he’ll be presentable to the friends and family we’ll be visiting. The haircut takes about an hour, hub cutting and me helping. B definitely doesn’t like the whole process, and he’s not very cooperative. By the time we’re done, there’s hair everywhere and everyone is emotionally exhausted.

Then “we” had to clean the roof. We have a big cedar tree which constantly drops needles and tiny cones which clog up our gutters and mess up our decks, and the roof needs frequent cleaning. I say “we” had to clean the roof, because hub is deathly afraid of heights. I’m not, so I’m always the one who gets to go up there with the leaf blower. We have cathedral ceilings so it’s a fairly steeply pitched shake roof, and a lo-o-ng ways down. Sometimes, especially when it’s been raining a lot, the roof can be very slippery. So while I’m working, hub nervously watches me from the ground. (Like, what is he going to do…catch me if I fall?) I forgot to mention that for our anniversary this year, one of the gifts I got were these strappy cleated shoe thingies to keep me from slipping. They weigh about 5 lbs each foot and make me walk around on the roof like Frankenstein’s monster. Oh,now don't be jealous that I've got such a romantic fella! (lol) Sometimes just for kicks, since I know he's watching my every move, I'll kind of act like I'm losing my balance (ha ha). I figure it never hurts to remind him that I'm risking my life, right?

This week I still need to find something to wear to hub’s class reunion. It’s always a dressy affair so hub said I should go buy something new. Of course if I do that, I’ll probably also need to get some new shoes and a purse and maybe a wrap if the outfit is sleeveless? Since I don’t really like shopping for clothes, this won’t be much fun. I keep thinking I should just root around in my closet for something, but I don’t know what it would be. Bleh.

Of course I’ve got a bunch of other details to take care of, in addition to working my normal 4-10’s this week. Therapy session, laundry, water house plants... I’ve got my list so I guess I’ll just start ticking things off.

The lead up to leaving on vacation is always stressful, but once we get on the road it will be fun. I just need to keep telling myself that.

How do you eat an elephant?

My mother and I are in the process of cleaning out her attic. I can't believe how much crap is up there. It took us (me) over 3 hours to get a tenth of what's up there cleaned out. That’s all I could manage, with the cobwebs and dust and crouching over to drag the stuff out and having to go up and down the stairs about 50 times. My plan is to do a little each month until it’s done, but she's so negative and thinks that we won’t ever finish. So, to encourage her, I said, “Well, Mom, how do you eat an elephant?” She's a bit clueless, so I had to explain the punch line… “One bite at a time”…to her.
On the way home, I started thinking about that joke. I really feel as if I’m taking on my past “one bite at a time.” When I first started therapy, I was clueless too. I wanted to “get in and get out.” I just needed to get over my mirror phobia and maybe my weight obsession. "Howdy Doc, pleased to meet ya. Can you fix me up? And I'm awful busy, so if you could do it quick, I'd be much obliged."

Well...Not so fast. I’ve now been in therapy since Feb 11. The things that are coming out of my brain have been surprising and even startling sometimes. They’ve definitely not been pleasant or fun to remember. No child should have to experience some of the things that happened to me. I think I have ignored or repressed so much for so long…it’s no wonder I have so many body image and food issues.

My after-therapy posts have been therapeutic in and of themselves… and it’s been truly cathartic to write out my thoughts and feelings. Until today, those posts have reflected mostly sadness and anger…which is okay, because I feel like I’ve got a lot to be sad and angry about. And something I wasn't expecting also happened as a result of this blog...the encouraging, heartfelt, and sympathetic feedback I’ve gotten from dozens of people in the blogging world…people I don’t know personally, but who are the kindest, nicest people I've ever encountered.

So now, I’m starting to realize that I am feeling better and stronger every day. For God’s sake, I just spent almost 24 hours with my mom, and I didn’t come away a total basket case! That’s the first time that’s EVER happened! I was actually able to be around her and not have the pre-programmed reactions. And on the way home late this afternoon, I stopped to get something to eat, but it was a “normal” something because I was really hungry..I hadn't eaten since breakfast. I didn’t realize until I got home that there wasn’t any emotional component attached to the food.

In fact, I'm beginning to actually look at my mom as she is now. She had so much POWER over me when I was a child. She was HUGE back then. I don’t mean physically huge…she’s actually very petite. I mean personality wise, she ruled the roost in our house. Her mood, whatever it was on any particular day, set the tone for the household. And that mood could change in an instant, from happy to enraged.

If she did in fact have Borderline Personality Disorder…and the way she was back then certainly fits the textbook description…apparently some BPD traits improve over time. She’s really not the moody, crazy, downright mean mother I grew up with, and hasn’t been for many years. Oh, yes, she's still a bit self-centered and manipulative and she tends to be critical, but it's more in a thoughtless way rather than nasty. But I’ve been so programmed, I couldn’t see the change in her. My therapy is helping me see her as she is now…a tiny old lady with a lot of physical problems and a declining mind, someone who’s very dependent upon my brother and me. I’m actually beginning to feel some empathy and, yes, even affection for her. That’s amazing.

I feel as if I’m eating that elephant…one bite at a time. My biggest problem was, until a few months ago, I never even realized the elephant was there. Now, each therapy session is one more bite. I’m actually starting to think that, eventually, the elephant will be gone.

6 Simple Steps...

Would you like to ensure your little girl develops an eating disorder? Just follow these easy steps:

1. As soon as that child can understand what you are saying constantly discuss her appearance and weight...joke with everyone about how homely your child is, she has a face only a mother could love.

2. If the child is at all "chubby," discuss at length in her presence how to solve her weight “problem.”  

3. If you're really lucky, the child will get the stomach flu and be so sick that she can’t eat for days. If this happens, discuss in positive terms the fact that she has lost weight from being sick.

Later on, even when she is a normal weight, tell her you don't understand why she is fat. 

4. Make sure to keep lots of sugary and fatty foods in the house, but criticize your child if she actually wants to eat any of this stuff. After all, she needs to develop the willpower to resist these things.

5. Be very obsessive about your own appearance and weight. It is especially helpful if you can starve yourself to the point of fainting and causing your relatives to ask at a family reunion if you have cancer. When your husband (the child's father) tries to get you to eat, tell him to mind his own business and continue starving yourself.

6. Last but certainly not least, keep in mind that constant criticism of the child at every opportunity is integral to the success of this process. Unrestrained rage at everyone in the family, screaming, and slapping, are also helpful tools...this works especially well if the rage is for no obvious reason and totally unpredictable. The younger the child is when you start this particular aspect of the program, the better.

By following these 6 simple steps, you can create a child with emotional problems such as PTSD, clinical depression, BDD, and an array of eating disorders. If you are particularly diligent, these problems will be with your child for her whole lifetime! Good luck!

Rambling

This weekend the weather was quite lovely here in the PNW. Friday I felt kind of tired, so B & I did a relatively short walk (about 45 minutes); but Saturday and Sunday, we kicked it. Saturday our friend Pam along with Olive and Kermit went on the Big Walk. I am sure happy I met Pam, she’s so nice…on our walks, we talk about a lot of stuff and I’ve been comfortable enough to open up to her a bit. As I mentioned, we are planning a trip to the beach with our dogs. Originally it was to be next weekend, but something came up so we’re going in the middle of June.

In the not too distant future, hub & B & I are going on a 2 week road trip...His 40th high school class reunion in California is on May 30th. So we’re going to leave the 22nd and drive along the Oregon coast, stopping along the way and staying in a few coastal towns. Then in Cal we will stay with various friends and family (his). We did a similar 2 week trip last year and had a blast, so I’m looking forward to it. B is a fabulous traveler and a very well behaved guest…even people who don’t have pets love B. (Haha...Patty's comment just made me realize how over the top I am about B sometimes. Do you think I am just a teeny tiny bit prejudiced? :-)

Now, hub is not much different than any other person and he wants to look good at his reunion. So a week ago, we started on a diet. The difference is, he isn’t desperate and so he’s not going on some stupid crazy fast (like I would do if I left to my own devices). He just wants to lose about 10 lbs, which based on his current weight, should be very easy for him to do. I “always” want to lose weight, so I’m happy to go along with the plan.

We’ve basically been eating about 1500 calories a day. It’s amazing how much you can eat if you don’t eat any crap or binge…and just eat good, healthy food (duh). So far it’s been really easy (with the therapy and drugs and hub & I both supporting each other to eat right), and I feel as if I’ve lost some weight...but who really knows since I don’t weigh? I guess the best way to tell is my clothes. Although I wear a uniform sometimes, I also wear regular civilian clothes a lot. So it’s been about 10 days since I last wore my uni, and when I put it on today, the pants which normally fit rather snugly were pretty loose. I’m waiting until the middle of next week to look in my closet to decide what to wear to the reunion. If nothing fits, I’ll still have time to go buy something new.

I have a meeting tonight, so I'm posting early today. I have a few other things on my mind, but they can wait for now. I hope everyone is having a good Monday. Catch you later!

Therapeutic Thursday

I had my weekly therapy session yesterday. I’m definitely learning some things about myself and my childhood family dynamics which help explain why I’m prone to eating disorders as well as depression and social isolation. It’s starting to make sense why I never had a desire to have children; why I don’t really have a relationship with my only brother; and even why I prefer animals to people as “friends.” I really don’t have any close friends to speak of. I have many work acquaintances, of course, and everyone seems to like me, but I never go anywhere or do anything with the group. No one really knows anything except the most superficial facts about me.

I’m realizing I never let myself be “authentic” (as Dr D calls it) with anybody, even my husband. There are so many personal things, both past and current, that my husband doesn’t know about me. Even though he is a really kind person and has never been abusive and in fact his help was one of the reasons I was able to recover from bulimia…subconsciously I always expect to be abused, or yelled at, or rejected, if he knew the “authentic” me. So I am secretive about much of what I do. Not that I’m doing anything bad or wrong, but even for good things, I expect to receive ridicule or rejection. If I tell him something about myself that I might be proud of, I’m expecting him to say “Oh, who do you think you are?” “You think you are so smart but you’re really just nothing,” or “You’re just showing off, get over yourself.”

He doesn’t even know I’m in therapy or taking anti-depressants. Although logically I know he would be supportive, I have so much fear of being vulnerable with anyone. If he knew about that stuff, maybe he would laugh at me, or tell me to just get over it, or ask why are you spending so much money on therapy? Not that he would really do that, but that’s my expectation deep down; because that’s what I grew up with. And it literally causes me panic inside to think about telling him some of my “secrets.” When I say this stuff out loud in therapy or write about it here, it sounds so pathetic. But I have such an ingrained fear of exposing myself, I don’t feel truly safe with anyone.

Whenever Dr D and I start talking about these things, my sense of grief and loss for what could have been is sometimes overwhelming. When I go in, I never mean to cry, but sometimes I end up crying so hard that it hurts physically. At this last session, I was reflecting on when I was a little girl, how I would stand outside the playground and watch the kids play. I wanted to play too, but I was sure I’d be made fun of by the other kids. So I would just go and play by myself. When I think about these things, my heart literally feels as if it is breaking. I feel so sad for that little girl who got so used to rejection at home that she became afraid of being rejected by everyone. It was just easier to be alone.

It is painful to realize that my life so far has been made up of wasted opportunities for true relationships. But I’m so afraid of letting people into my life, and for showing people who I really am. I’m not feeling sorry for myself…but writing it out and “putting myself out there” to the blogging world helps me process what I’m experiencing. This is the place where I feel as if I’m the most truthful I’ve ever been, and you bloggers are the closest I’ve ever come to having friends who know the real me.

Yes, I’m going to keep working on this. And the BDD thing…well, “that’s a whole ‘nother story” as they say. I’ll share more of what’s up with that another time.

I hope everyone is having a good Thursday. I’m looking forward to sleeping late tomorrow and walking B if the weather cooperates. Take care.

Freight Train Rain

So far my request for sunshine for my veggies has been ignored. In fact, last night the wind blew like crazy and it rained so freaking HARD that it sounded like a freight train was coming through our house. I woke up several times during the night and worried about my tomato plants, hoping they wouldn’t be crushed by the rain or knocked over by the wind. They seemed to be okay this morning, but some of my snap pea seeds ended up being uncovered by the rain and I had to push them back under the soil. And almost all the beautiful blossoms on the cherry tree are gone. That’s sad. At least we were lucky to not lose power like some others in our area.

It’s supposed to be rainy for the next 2 days, but then taper off. If the weather forecasters are to be believed, it’s actually supposed to be kind of nice by Friday.

B and I saw a huge raccoon this morning, swimming near the shore of the lake. He was definitely bigger than B who weighs about 16 lbs. Mr. Raccoon just looked at us, swam a little further down the lake, then got out of the water and ran into some bushes.

Seriously, raccoons can be kind of scary. About 2 weeks ago, my ex-husband’s dog got into an altercation with one and it bit the heck out of her. I hope this picture doesn't upset any dog lovers out there too much, but I wanted to let you know, especially those of you who live in a rural setting, how dangerous raccoons can be. Poor little girl. It's for this reason that I always keep B on a leash even when we are just walking around our own yard. I just know he would go crazy and get into a fight with any wild animal he saw.

I hope everyone is looking forward to hump day. For me...Wednesday means only 2 more days of work! YAY!

Don't try this at home

With all my personal angst on Friday and planting veggies on Saturday, I completely forgot to tell you all about a minor medical emergency that we had last week!

As some of you know if you follow this blog, hubby is the only cook in our family, so whenever he says he wants some cooking tool, I rush right out and get it for him. Got to keep the cook happy, right?! Got to keep those good meals coming! Well, he saw this peeler gadget on TV, and thought it looked cool. So I ordered it on line and it finally arrived Wednesday. With an enclosed attachment, it also works as a tiny mandoline, so he used it to slice some vegetables for our salad on Thursday night. He was so impressed that he called me into the kitchen so he could demonstrate to me how well it worked.

He was enthusiastically slicing away on a carrot when I'm sure you can guess what happened. Yes, he sliced his finger. Now, he’s had many a kitchen accident in all his years of cooking, so he’s not a baby about it. He said “Ooops,” and went off to the bathroom. I tagged along a few minutes later in case he needed help putting on a bandaid.

OMG! When I innocently walked into the bathroom…I have never seen so much blood. It was spurting out of the end of his finger. Turned out he had actually sliced the tip of his finger OFF! He was wrapping it with gauze but the gauze was getting soaked as fast as he wrapped it. He did all the things you are supposed to do (direct pressure, holding it above his heart, etc). But no matter what he did it continued to soak through.

Now, there is a reason I’m not a firefighter anymore and instead I pursued fire prevention as a career...I AM NOT GOOD WITH BLOOD! When I was training to become an Emergency Medical Technician many years ago (it was a job requirement to be a firefighter), I had to do a short stint in the local hospital emergency room. I’m fine with broken bones…But the minute you show me blood, I get woozy. Whenever I would be assisting the doctor with cleaning out wounds or putting in stitches, I would have to excuse myself from the treatment room, and go out to the lobby to put my head between my knees so I wouldn’t faint. I made a fine EMT…as long as the patient didn’t bleed. lol

So, I’m trying to help hubby cover his finger with the gauze, but there is all this blood in the sink and on the bathroom counter and even some on the floor. I told him maybe we should go to the emergency room, but he’s a man, so of course he refused. But I was getting a bit lightheaded at the sight of all the blood, and I had to excuse myself or fall in a dead faint and probably hit my head...then I would have ended up in the emergency room with a concussion.

After about two hours, the bleeding slowed down just a bit, and he was able to control it with continuing direct pressure and ice. But the next morning, when he tried to change the bandage, it started bleeding profusely again. Thank heavens I was at work, and he had someone from his office help him.

FINALLY Saturday, it stopped bleeding enough so that he could change the bandage without making a big mess.

So, YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED. If you are thinking about buying this seemingly harmless gadget, be aware that you could cut off your finger tip.

And if you do, don’t come crying to ME for help!

Container Gardening

I had a few people ask about my "pots" as I described in my Garden Time post about a week ago. Here's a picture:Our house is on the right. You can just barely see our kitchen window. That area gets sun all day during the summer, so it's a perfect spot to grow plants that need a lot of sun and heat.

Yesterday, I planted lots of tomato plants (Sweet Million, Roma, Sun Gold and Patio). Also some green onion starts, as well as seeds for sugar snap peas, jalapeno peppers, and yellow summer squash, plus some herbs. I've never planted squash before and it might end up being too big and viney to grow in pots. We'll see, I figure if nothing else the vines will look pretty when they're flowering. The pots in the front contain perennials like lavendar so I don't have to do much with them each year.

The pots are made from steel pipe, which is the business hubby is in. Are you wondering why the pots are two different colors? Of course you are! (lol)

When we were installing them a few years back, the pipe had been left its original color (red) but mid-installation I wasn't sure I liked it. So my husband had the rest of the pieces painted white at the storage yard before they brought them to our house for installation. Now, if I had known that he wasn't going to have the first ones painted white too, I never would have said anything. So I am left with 2 different colors of pipe. I have many good intentions every year to paint them all white, but it will be quite a chore. So at this point, it's just a conversation piece as to why they are different colors.

Now...I just need the sun to shine and the temperatures to heat up so my plants will GROW!

P.S. Don't you just LOVE our neighbor's flowering cherry tree?

The mind is a dirty trickster

Yesterday my mind played some very dirty tricks on me.

I have been doing very well with my eating since I started on the Wellbutrin about 3 weeks ago. Besides helping with depression, it also seems to lessen my appetite. So I haven’t binged once or even had the urge to do so. I’ve been feeling better about myself, and without knowing for sure, lately my perception has been that I’m losing a bit of weight. I’ve been feeling “thin.”

So yesterday morning, I had the recurring thought “I’ll bet I’ve lost some weight, I should weigh myself and see how much.” The impulse was there to weigh myself. But I fought it. I just kept telling myself “Dr D said not to weigh...Dr D said not to weigh...” The fact is, I knew if the number was not what I was wanting or expecting, I’d be back at square one mentally. So I decided to just go with the flow, and I let myself feel thin without actually "knowing" the number on the scale. After a while, the impulse to weigh myself passed.

The other piece of Dr D’s advice has been to not look at my body in the mirror. This is a bit more difficult, because unless I put a sheet over the bathroom vanity mirror, I’m going to catch a glimpse now and then. Well, yesterday afternoon, I had really let down my guard and I got an eyeful. Let me tell you…All those thoughts about “I’m thin” went flying out of the bathroom window.

Last night, we were going out to dinner with a man my husband knows from his business, so I had jumped in the shower about 4:30. When I came out, there IT was…My huge flabby white stomach…And it was UGLY. It looked like a big old white pillow around my middle. I felt shocked and sick.

It’s as if my mind took a photograph, and since then that photograph has been playing over and over in my mind. I can’t get rid of it. It keeps creeping in. During dinner last night, I kept thinking how thin the man's wife was, and how fat I am.

The demons in my mind are just nasty buggers. They had been fairly quiet for a while, but now they're back and I can't get them to shut up. It’s times like this that I despise my mother for what she did to me.

I wish that blasted image would go away or at least recede a bit. I wish I could take a vacuum cleaner and vacuum out all the garbage that's in my head. Logically I know it's garbage, but it still feels so real. It's as if I'm looking at a picture and pictures don't lie, right? They say perception is reality...but which perception is real? The first one of the day, where I was feeling thin and good about myself? Or the second one where I think I look like a fat cow?

I’m going to try to keep active today to keep my mind off that picture. I’m going to take B for a long walk, and then work in my garden. When I go to church tonight I'll pray for a quiet mind. I don't really need to lose weight or be thinner to be happy. What I really need is a quiet mind.