I'm so grateful for so many things this year. 2009 has been very good to me in so many ways and I have a feeling that 2010 is going to be even better.
I used to make resolutions every year. They were usually a bit complicated, and I'd write them down in a notebook, or on a Word document on my computer. Then I wouldn't even look at them again until I'd be cleaning out my desk or computer files months or even a few years later, and there they'd be. And I'd never have done any of them.
It got me to thinking...at my job, we are always working toward specific "goals" and we have to report to the results of our work to management. So we have to get at least some, if not most or even all, of the goal accomplished. Which is what we want, right? So I decided to look at what the difference was between a goal vs. resolution.
Resolutions are usually very general, and consist of statements like “I want to lose weight.” Meanwhile, goals are more specific, such as “Lose 5 lbs in the next year.”
A specific goal is more attainable than a general resolution of wanting to lose weight. You are more likely to reach a specific goal than an overall resolution. If your New Year's resolution is to go on a diet and lose weight, then as soon as you go off your diet and gain weight, you will feel as if you failed. So, it would be better to have a goal to lose 5 lbs in the next year. That way, even if you go up and down a bit during the year on the way to the goal, you won't have "failed."
SO...My goals for 2010 are pretty basic:
1. Continue to work on my mental health issues by seeing my therapist twice a month and through blogging regularly
2. Lose 7 pounds in a healthy way (by eating normal and doing some form of exercise 4-5 days a week)
That's it…simple stuff. I think these goals are achievable.
We are going to a fancy wedding tonight at a local winery. I am still deciding what to wear…I can either wear the same cocktail dress I wore to hub's reunion this summer; or a pair of velvet pants and a shimmery top that I wore to a charity auction last winter. Both are very dressy… but it's very rainy and cold today, so I'm thinking I might be more comfortable in the pants. I still have a few hours to decide…
When you think about it, this is a great day to get married. You're celebrating on New Year's Eve anyway, so celebrating your anniversary on that same day is kind of romantic. Also, the husband will always be able to remember the date, so it will keep him out of trouble with his wife in the future. Ha ha.
I hope everyone has the most WONDERFUL New Year's Eve and Day. See you in 2010!
Much love
~Graciela
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Dead fish and house guests...
The old saying goes, “Dead fish and house guests both start to stink in three days.”
I do love our friend. Maybe it's just because he's a bachelor dude and doesn't seem realize that:
(Okay, so I'm actually a rather obsessive neat freak…)
But I'm trying to use this as a learning experience…
Relax…Breathe...Enjoy the company…
But DANG IT…
Buster has had the same toys since he was a baby (even as a puppy he was not destructive), and since Zoe got here she has destroyed a half dozen. Squeakers de-squeaked… button eyes gouged out… stuffing everywhere!
Poor Buster won't have any toys left by the time she goes home!
AND POOR TEDDY!
Okay…I feel better now. Thanks for letting me vent.
Heavy sigh...shoulders back...BIG SMILE!
I can now continue to be nice to our guest.
I do love our friend. Maybe it's just because he's a bachelor dude and doesn't seem realize that:
- The dishes he uses should be washed, or at least taken to the kitchen (not left on the table for me to pick up)
- He makes noises when he eats
- He asks a question and then interrupts before I can get 3 words out
- His little dog chews on anything that's not nailed down
(Okay, so I'm actually a rather obsessive neat freak…)
But I'm trying to use this as a learning experience…
Relax…Breathe...Enjoy the company…
But DANG IT…
Buster has had the same toys since he was a baby (even as a puppy he was not destructive), and since Zoe got here she has destroyed a half dozen. Squeakers de-squeaked… button eyes gouged out… stuffing everywhere!
Poor Buster won't have any toys left by the time she goes home!
AND POOR TEDDY!
Okay…I feel better now. Thanks for letting me vent.
Heavy sigh...shoulders back...BIG SMILE!
I can now continue to be nice to our guest.
Sunday, December 27, 2009
Life is STILL GOOD!
I'm feeling very relieved that I got through Christmas without having a meltdown, especially considering how my mom acted. To give you an idea of how bad it was, she called first thing the next morning morning to apologize.
Yes, it was pretty bad because she usually doesn't even recognize how badly she acts. She spent the day with her usual martyred "I'm so put upon and tired" look. This in spite of the fact that she had to do NOTHING related to putting on the meal. The food was all brought by Hub and me and my brother. The table got set by my niece. My sister-in-law and I did all the clean up. Yet, Mom still snapped several times at Hub while he was trying to finish up preparing the meat and gravy. And when I'd ask her where something was (a serving plate, or a bowl, or whatever), she'd snap at me too. "Oh what a world..."
But I didn't react. And Hub, bless his heart, didn't react either. (Mom was lucky he didn't walk out and tell her to cook her own damn Christmas meal.)
So the day was saved, the meal was delicious, and the dinner conversation was generally pleasant. Our friend was a great addition to the occasion, and he got along great with everyone.
Yesterday, we just hung out. Food was a little too carb oriented. We had French toast made with pannettone for breakfast (which I think gave me a headache...or maybe it was the maple syrup...too much sugar) and last night we went to dinner at a restaurant called "Pogacha." Pogacha is a Croation term meaning "soft, chewy flatbread" and they are basically small personal pizzas. I split a Caesar salad with Hub plus I had a pogacha with pepperoni and gorgonzola.
My eating is still a bit off today…not bad but not great. But I'll be working the rest of the week, so it will be easier to be a bit more disciplined. But whatever I gain as a result of the holiday, I know I can lose it back within a few days. So I'm not gonna obsess on it.
Tena asked for my deviled egg recipe, it's really simple. I presume everyone knows how to make deviled eggs in general, so this is just how I make the filling:
To the egg yolks of a dozen eggs add:
1/2 cup Best Foods (aka Hellmanns) Real Mayonnaise (I only use full fat Best Foods mayo. I tried using low fat once, but I was really disappointed in the result)
2 tsp. French's yellow mustard
1 tsp. cider vinegar
This is the recipe I've used for 25 years. To be honest, I don't really measure anything anymore. I just put in a big glob of mayo, a fairly large squirt of the mustard and a capful of vinegar, whip it up, and then add more of whatever is needed. Add more mayo if the eggs are still a bit dry; if you like the eggs a bit more tangy, you can add a little more vinegar.
Everyone seems to love these eggs...At least there are never any left whenever I serve them.
Usually Hub and I go grocery shopping together on Sunday afternoons, but right now he and his friend are over at another friend's house trying to fix her treadmill. So I need to get to the grocery store by myself to buy a few staple food items. Note to self: Only healthy good things will be bought!
See you all later...
Yes, it was pretty bad because she usually doesn't even recognize how badly she acts. She spent the day with her usual martyred "I'm so put upon and tired" look. This in spite of the fact that she had to do NOTHING related to putting on the meal. The food was all brought by Hub and me and my brother. The table got set by my niece. My sister-in-law and I did all the clean up. Yet, Mom still snapped several times at Hub while he was trying to finish up preparing the meat and gravy. And when I'd ask her where something was (a serving plate, or a bowl, or whatever), she'd snap at me too. "Oh what a world..."
But I didn't react. And Hub, bless his heart, didn't react either. (Mom was lucky he didn't walk out and tell her to cook her own damn Christmas meal.)
So the day was saved, the meal was delicious, and the dinner conversation was generally pleasant. Our friend was a great addition to the occasion, and he got along great with everyone.
Yesterday, we just hung out. Food was a little too carb oriented. We had French toast made with pannettone for breakfast (which I think gave me a headache...or maybe it was the maple syrup...too much sugar) and last night we went to dinner at a restaurant called "Pogacha." Pogacha is a Croation term meaning "soft, chewy flatbread" and they are basically small personal pizzas. I split a Caesar salad with Hub plus I had a pogacha with pepperoni and gorgonzola.
My eating is still a bit off today…not bad but not great. But I'll be working the rest of the week, so it will be easier to be a bit more disciplined. But whatever I gain as a result of the holiday, I know I can lose it back within a few days. So I'm not gonna obsess on it.
Tena asked for my deviled egg recipe, it's really simple. I presume everyone knows how to make deviled eggs in general, so this is just how I make the filling:
To the egg yolks of a dozen eggs add:
1/2 cup Best Foods (aka Hellmanns) Real Mayonnaise (I only use full fat Best Foods mayo. I tried using low fat once, but I was really disappointed in the result)
2 tsp. French's yellow mustard
1 tsp. cider vinegar
This is the recipe I've used for 25 years. To be honest, I don't really measure anything anymore. I just put in a big glob of mayo, a fairly large squirt of the mustard and a capful of vinegar, whip it up, and then add more of whatever is needed. Add more mayo if the eggs are still a bit dry; if you like the eggs a bit more tangy, you can add a little more vinegar.
Everyone seems to love these eggs...At least there are never any left whenever I serve them.
Usually Hub and I go grocery shopping together on Sunday afternoons, but right now he and his friend are over at another friend's house trying to fix her treadmill. So I need to get to the grocery store by myself to buy a few staple food items. Note to self: Only healthy good things will be bought!
See you all later...
Thursday, December 24, 2009
Life is good...
First of all, let me wish everyone a Merry Christmas. Last year at this time, we were wondering if we were even going to be able to get to my mom's house because of all the snow. This year, the weather has been very nice. In fact, today is absolutely gorgeous…It's a little cold, but I'll take that any day over snow.
Today's Christmas Tree photo
Today's Christmas Tree photo
Last year's Christmas Tree photo...look at the snow!(Every year I set up everything almost exactly the same...
I'm such a creature of habit!)
He left Tahoe yesterday and drove straight through and got here this afternoon. I'm thrilled…he's such a nice guy, and it is especially fun to have company when you have such a small family as we do. JD and Hub are old friends from when Hub got back from Vietnam in late 60s, they were both mechanics at the same gas station. So they've already started on some guy project in the garage.
The only "problem" is that JD has a little dachshund Zoe and she drives B crazy trying to get him to play. Christmas Day will be a real fido-fest at my mom's house with 4 dogs… B, Zoe, Rosie, and Bonnie. Lots of doggie fun!
We went to Mass at 6 p.m. (the singing was wonderful) and then to dinner at a seafood restaurant. It's a tradition for Catholics to not eat meat on Christmas Eve so we had lobster, clams, fish filet, and shrimp. And I had 3 sakes. I love sake. ..everyone asks "Why do you drink sake at a Chinese restaurant?" Because I love sake. That's the only reason. So if they have it, I order it.
Anyway, we're home now, watching "It's a Wonderful Life" but I don't think I'm going to be able to stay awake. I think B & I should go to bed. I have get up fairly early tomorrow to peel potatoes (for blue cheese/parmesan scalloped potatoes) and boil eggs (for my famous deviled eggs). We're also having a pork roast which Hub just put into a brine. My brother will be baking sour dough rolls and is also making plum pudding (a Scottish family tradition).
SO…take care, everyone…don't eat or drink too much…drive safely if you're going anywhere…and I hope all your Christmas wishes come true!
P.S. I just noticed I've been blogging since December 16, 2008. So this is kind of my "bloggiversary." I can't believe how much more sane and stable I feel this year than last year...plus I've lost 14 lbs in the last year...and I hope to keep getting better in 2010. And thanks to everyone who helped me SO much in this journey...I love you all.
Monday, December 21, 2009
Whew...
I did it...I spent the day with my mother, and I didn't freak out!
I almost lost my temper a few times, but I didn't. Putting up the tree was a chore, especially since my mother kept critiquing what I was doing. "Why don't you do it this way?" "I don't like the way that looks..." etc., etc. It was really annoying.
Finally I told her in a very pleasant voice, "Mother, just let me finish and then you can tell me if it looks okay; if not, I can change it. But right now I'm in the middle of putting the tree together, it's not the finished product." I was amazed, she said "Okay, I'll just sit here and watch. I won't say anything more." And she did! She just quietly sat until I was finished and then we tweaked it a bit to her satisfaction. Normally I would have just gotten irritated and snapped at her, and the day would have gone downhill from there.
After we were done with the tree, I drove her to a doctor appointment and then around town so she could do some Christmas shopping, and we actually had a good conversation in the car. She didn't say anything critical to me (about my clothes, my hair, my weight, my car, the way I drive...) which is really unusual.
As for how I handled food today: Mom did have some Lindt truffles in the house (my favorite) but I only had 4 pieces (about 300 calories). Normally I would have eaten about 20. On the drive home, I didn't even think about stopping for binge food. After I got home, I walked into the house and announced to hub: "My mom drives me crazy." He said "Of course she does" and then he and I laughed about it a bit. It felt good to laugh about it.
Then I called Mom to let her know I got home okay (she always wants to make sure) and she told me, "I don't know what I'd do without you. You know, you're my angel. God blessed me when he gave me you." I was so surprised...it actually made me tear up a little bit.
I'm really trying to change the way I react to her. I'm trying to look at her as I would look at a customer at work. I never lose my temper or snap at someone who needs a permit, no matter how annoying or unpleasant that person is...co-workers often comment on how patient I am with even the most difficult customers. As Dr D advised, I'm reacting to Mom with my "adult professional" self, rather than my "little girl" self. As a result, she seems to be treating me with more respect and even love. (Or it could just be a passing phase...lol). Whatever it is, I'm not feeling so crazy anymore.
Now all I need is to get through Christmas...with the whole family there, it's gonna be a special challenge.
I almost lost my temper a few times, but I didn't. Putting up the tree was a chore, especially since my mother kept critiquing what I was doing. "Why don't you do it this way?" "I don't like the way that looks..." etc., etc. It was really annoying.
Finally I told her in a very pleasant voice, "Mother, just let me finish and then you can tell me if it looks okay; if not, I can change it. But right now I'm in the middle of putting the tree together, it's not the finished product." I was amazed, she said "Okay, I'll just sit here and watch. I won't say anything more." And she did! She just quietly sat until I was finished and then we tweaked it a bit to her satisfaction. Normally I would have just gotten irritated and snapped at her, and the day would have gone downhill from there.
After we were done with the tree, I drove her to a doctor appointment and then around town so she could do some Christmas shopping, and we actually had a good conversation in the car. She didn't say anything critical to me (about my clothes, my hair, my weight, my car, the way I drive...) which is really unusual.
As for how I handled food today: Mom did have some Lindt truffles in the house (my favorite) but I only had 4 pieces (about 300 calories). Normally I would have eaten about 20. On the drive home, I didn't even think about stopping for binge food. After I got home, I walked into the house and announced to hub: "My mom drives me crazy." He said "Of course she does" and then he and I laughed about it a bit. It felt good to laugh about it.
Then I called Mom to let her know I got home okay (she always wants to make sure) and she told me, "I don't know what I'd do without you. You know, you're my angel. God blessed me when he gave me you." I was so surprised...it actually made me tear up a little bit.
I'm really trying to change the way I react to her. I'm trying to look at her as I would look at a customer at work. I never lose my temper or snap at someone who needs a permit, no matter how annoying or unpleasant that person is...co-workers often comment on how patient I am with even the most difficult customers. As Dr D advised, I'm reacting to Mom with my "adult professional" self, rather than my "little girl" self. As a result, she seems to be treating me with more respect and even love. (Or it could just be a passing phase...lol). Whatever it is, I'm not feeling so crazy anymore.
Now all I need is to get through Christmas...with the whole family there, it's gonna be a special challenge.
Off to see Mom...
Just a quick post…I'm taking part of the day off from work and going to see my mom today. She needs help putting up her little Christmas tree, plus it’s her birthday.
She called last night but I didn’t hear the phone ring. So she left me a voicemail which I didn’t listen to until it was too late to call her back last night. All I can say is…sometimes her tone of voice just pushes all my buttons and drives me bonkers. The tone is a combo of “martyr” and “helpless” with a dash of guilt thrown in for good measure.
I actually found myself yelling profane things at the voicemail. LOL!
Thank goodness I’ve been working so hard on childhood issues or I’d already be bingeing this morning. As it is, I’m doing okay. I’ll let you know how it goes…if I can get through this week, including Christmas, without having a meltdown (like I have in years past), then I think we can safely say that I’ve made progress in the mental health department.
She called last night but I didn’t hear the phone ring. So she left me a voicemail which I didn’t listen to until it was too late to call her back last night. All I can say is…sometimes her tone of voice just pushes all my buttons and drives me bonkers. The tone is a combo of “martyr” and “helpless” with a dash of guilt thrown in for good measure.
I actually found myself yelling profane things at the voicemail. LOL!
Thank goodness I’ve been working so hard on childhood issues or I’d already be bingeing this morning. As it is, I’m doing okay. I’ll let you know how it goes…if I can get through this week, including Christmas, without having a meltdown (like I have in years past), then I think we can safely say that I’ve made progress in the mental health department.
Thursday, December 17, 2009
One step forward and two steps back...
Or is it two steps forward and one step back?
I wonder what's going on with me.
I had a pretty intense session with Dr D, my first in several weeks. I swear, every time I think I'm getting better, strange things start to happen.
We got back from vacation late Monday. As I mentioned, I ate heartily, had a great time, gained 5 lb., and wasn't upset about it…or so I thought.
I've had almost nothing to eat now in 3 days…I take my food to work, but I don't eat it. I've been eating very little for dinner. The thought of food makes me physically nauseous. I don't feel hungry, except my stomach growls constantly. Yet it feels good to not eat. Does that sound weird? I skipped our department holiday potluck today, even though I brought something for it and even dressed up festively for the occasion. But when the lunch started, the thought of eating or even being around all that food (and people eating food) was…disgusting. So I stayed at my desk and worked. I know my co-workers thought that was strange, but at the moment, I could handle that better than being around the food.
Toward the very end of my session today, I mentioned this to Dr D. We had talked about a lot of stuff...and then I casually threw it in at the end. Kind of like I wanted to talk about it, but not really. I didn't leave enough time for us to discuss. But she did have enough time to tell me that was an eating-disorder red flag…restricting food and then getting almost a good feeling, or high, from it. She thinks it's the way I'm dealing with coming back to my stressful job and the upcoming holidays (seeing my mom, etc).
I have mixed emotions about what's going on with me… The fact is, in my body, I feel calm and good. I really feel like I want to just go with "the flow" and keep not eating (and losing weight). After all, it's not always so easy, so I should enjoy it while I can, right?…But my head tells me this is not a truly good thing, that I should try to eat.
I'm so sick of being sick, of being crazy, of letting food and my weight run my life. I want to be normal. I just want to get caught up at work and make it through the holidays without losing my mind. But right now, I just feel so…strange.
I wonder what's going on with me.
I had a pretty intense session with Dr D, my first in several weeks. I swear, every time I think I'm getting better, strange things start to happen.
We got back from vacation late Monday. As I mentioned, I ate heartily, had a great time, gained 5 lb., and wasn't upset about it…or so I thought.
I've had almost nothing to eat now in 3 days…I take my food to work, but I don't eat it. I've been eating very little for dinner. The thought of food makes me physically nauseous. I don't feel hungry, except my stomach growls constantly. Yet it feels good to not eat. Does that sound weird? I skipped our department holiday potluck today, even though I brought something for it and even dressed up festively for the occasion. But when the lunch started, the thought of eating or even being around all that food (and people eating food) was…disgusting. So I stayed at my desk and worked. I know my co-workers thought that was strange, but at the moment, I could handle that better than being around the food.
Toward the very end of my session today, I mentioned this to Dr D. We had talked about a lot of stuff...and then I casually threw it in at the end. Kind of like I wanted to talk about it, but not really. I didn't leave enough time for us to discuss. But she did have enough time to tell me that was an eating-disorder red flag…restricting food and then getting almost a good feeling, or high, from it. She thinks it's the way I'm dealing with coming back to my stressful job and the upcoming holidays (seeing my mom, etc).
I have mixed emotions about what's going on with me… The fact is, in my body, I feel calm and good. I really feel like I want to just go with "the flow" and keep not eating (and losing weight). After all, it's not always so easy, so I should enjoy it while I can, right?…But my head tells me this is not a truly good thing, that I should try to eat.
I'm so sick of being sick, of being crazy, of letting food and my weight run my life. I want to be normal. I just want to get caught up at work and make it through the holidays without losing my mind. But right now, I just feel so…strange.
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Rainy Homecoming
After 7 beautiful days in Kailua-Kona on the Big Island, we came home on Monday night. To rain. And more rain. And darkness.
I want to go back. I loved it there. I miss the warmth and sunshine. The sunsets were incredible, varying between dark red and purple...I think because of the volcanic fog ("VOG").
I also miss sleeping late and eating too much and just generally being lazy.
Unfortunately...it's back to the grind...
But before I go, I just have to share a few memories of our last week of vacation…
View from condo lanai in Kailua-Kona
Dead puffer fish...food for crabs...YUM!
Another sunset....surfers in the distance
Another sunset...at the nearby marina
View from above the crater (Kileaua steam in background)
Active Kilauea crater in the distance
Here I am at the floor of the Kilauea Iki crater...what an eerie place!
It was a great trip and although in some ways I want to go back...it's good to be home with my buddy B, in my own bed, and back in my routine. Even though I started out great food-wise, I gained 5 lbs in the last 2 weeks. But I'm already back on track. Atkins bar for breakfast, yogurt and fruit for lunch, soup for dinner…I'm trying to get caught up at work, and then I'll have a chance to visit all my buddies' blogs. See you all soon!
(P.S. I did talk to hub about how he treats me. I wasn't accusatory or mean, but I told him that I just need to be treated nicely. Please…think before you speak. Consider how your tone and your words can hurt. I'm hoping he'll take our conversation to heart. We'll see.)
I want to go back. I loved it there. I miss the warmth and sunshine. The sunsets were incredible, varying between dark red and purple...I think because of the volcanic fog ("VOG").
I also miss sleeping late and eating too much and just generally being lazy.
Unfortunately...it's back to the grind...
But before I go, I just have to share a few memories of our last week of vacation…
View from condo lanai in Kailua-Kona
Dead puffer fish...food for crabs...YUM!
Another sunset....surfers in the distance
Another sunset...at the nearby marinaOne of the highlights of the trip for me was hiking the Kilauea Iki crater with Lara (the daughter of hub's friend)...
There are two craters...Kilauea and Kilauea Iki (which means "small Kilauea"). Kilauea is currently very active, and the Park Service won't let anyone get close enough to actually see the lava. Meanwhile, the last time Iki erupted was in 1959; still the crater floor still vents steam and you can feel the heat through your shoes. The information from the Park Service:
My friend and I finished it in 1 hour and 15 minutes...but then we're both a bit crazy. I realized after we had finished that I tweaked my ankle a little (I had injured this same ankle badly about 5 years ago) and it's been swollen, but not too painful.
There are two craters...Kilauea and Kilauea Iki (which means "small Kilauea"). Kilauea is currently very active, and the Park Service won't let anyone get close enough to actually see the lava. Meanwhile, the last time Iki erupted was in 1959; still the crater floor still vents steam and you can feel the heat through your shoes. The information from the Park Service:
My friend and I finished it in 1 hour and 15 minutes...but then we're both a bit crazy. I realized after we had finished that I tweaked my ankle a little (I had injured this same ankle badly about 5 years ago) and it's been swollen, but not too painful. 
View from above the crater (Kileaua steam in background)
Active Kilauea crater in the distance
Here I am at the floor of the Kilauea Iki crater...what an eerie place!(P.S. I did talk to hub about how he treats me. I wasn't accusatory or mean, but I told him that I just need to be treated nicely. Please…think before you speak. Consider how your tone and your words can hurt. I'm hoping he'll take our conversation to heart. We'll see.)
Sunday, December 13, 2009
R E S P E C T...
I do love my hub, but sometimes he's not very nice to me. He has a temper and tends to yell at me about silly stuff. This vacation has really brought this to a head. I just told him tonight (the day before we leave for home) that "we will talk" when we get back to Seattle.
My bottom line is…I need to be treated with respect. I'm absolutely not a "high maintenance" person...but I do have some basic needs.
Seriously…all I want is to be treated nicely. Don't YELL at me. Don't DEMEAN me. Don't treat me like CRAP. Don't treat me like I'm an idiot…because I AM NOT. Yes, I love my hub and my life.
But since we've been on vacation, some stuff has come up. And it's not pretty.
I'm a valuable person and I WILL be respected. I love him but I don't "need" him, in any financial or emotional sense. So...
If he can't treat me with respect...the relationship WILL end.
My bottom line is…I need to be treated with respect. I'm absolutely not a "high maintenance" person...but I do have some basic needs.
Seriously…all I want is to be treated nicely. Don't YELL at me. Don't DEMEAN me. Don't treat me like CRAP. Don't treat me like I'm an idiot…because I AM NOT. Yes, I love my hub and my life.
But since we've been on vacation, some stuff has come up. And it's not pretty.
I'm a valuable person and I WILL be respected. I love him but I don't "need" him, in any financial or emotional sense. So...
If he can't treat me with respect...the relationship WILL end.
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Aloha Oahu...Aloha Kona
Did you know that Aloha is used both to say hello and goodbye?
Before I say Aloha (goodbye) to Oahu and Aloha (hello) to Kona, I thought I'd show some highlights of our time in Waikiki and Honolulu.
The first are “food oriented” OF COURSE! (lol):
Waimalu Chop Suey, AKA The House of Gau Gee, in Aeaia
We ran across Waimalu Chop Suey when we went shopping for a new fan for the condo. The food was cheap, plentiful, and GOOD. The specialty of the house is a big dumpling called Gau Gee.
Gau Gee
The gau gee was definitely tasty, but all the other dishes we ordered were so delicious too. And when we asked for beer, the waitress said: “No beer here…you want beer, you go next door and buy to drink here.” Fun and inexpensive...Our kind of place.
We had one of the best Chinese meals I’ve ever had at Fook Yuen Seafood Restaurant. (You may recall the name of this place from my previous post..my friend Maryann "accidentally" held her hand over the "en" in Yuen while I took the picture of the menu)
Forgive me for elaborating, but the food was amazing:
It’s so fun to go with a bunch of people to a restaurant like this, you can order a ton of food and every body chips in to pay the bill.
Here I am at the top of Diamond Head
Overlooking Waikiki
Red sky at night
Mele Kalikimaka!
I have a tiny artificial Christmas tree that I put up each year
and I decorate it with mini-ornaments.
Here it is reflected in a big mirror in the living room…
That’s about it for now. We are now on the Big Island for a week. Today we just relaxed and I got to see about 5 honu (sea turtles) in the surf right outside the place we're renting. I also sat for an hour and watched a bunch of little black crabs eat a dead puffer fish...now that's exciting!
Well, that's about it for now...I'm hoping to go snorkeling tomorrow as there is a bay nearby that's supposedly the best for that.
I'll try to post again in a few days.
(Sorry about the quality of some of the photos...they were all taken with my Blackberry)
Before I say Aloha (goodbye) to Oahu and Aloha (hello) to Kona, I thought I'd show some highlights of our time in Waikiki and Honolulu.
The first are “food oriented” OF COURSE! (lol):
Waimalu Chop Suey, AKA The House of Gau Gee, in AeaiaWe ran across Waimalu Chop Suey when we went shopping for a new fan for the condo. The food was cheap, plentiful, and GOOD. The specialty of the house is a big dumpling called Gau Gee.
Gau Gee
We had one of the best Chinese meals I’ve ever had at Fook Yuen Seafood Restaurant. (You may recall the name of this place from my previous post..my friend Maryann "accidentally" held her hand over the "en" in Yuen while I took the picture of the menu)Forgive me for elaborating, but the food was amazing:
• Westlake soup • Crispy duck •
Clams in black bean sauce • Honey walnut shrimp •
Crab with ginger sauce • Lobster with noodles •
2 vegetable dishes (eggplant and spinach) • Dessert •
All for $225 for 6 people (including sake)
Clams in black bean sauce • Honey walnut shrimp •
Crab with ginger sauce • Lobster with noodles •
2 vegetable dishes (eggplant and spinach) • Dessert •
All for $225 for 6 people (including sake)
It’s so fun to go with a bunch of people to a restaurant like this, you can order a ton of food and every body chips in to pay the bill.
Yes, yes, yes...there's more to vacation than just food:
I hiked to the top of Diamond Head Crater last Thursday with a friend. We started about 8 a.m. before it started to get too hot. It was a gorgeous day and we had the BEST time!
I hiked to the top of Diamond Head Crater last Thursday with a friend. We started about 8 a.m. before it started to get too hot. It was a gorgeous day and we had the BEST time!
Here I am at the top of Diamond HeadOverlooking Waikiki
And NOW for the PSEUDO-ARTISTIC crap, as promised:
Bar at new Trump Tower
Very elegant but oh-so expensive…$50 for 3 drinks!
(Not going back there!)
Rainbow over the City View from our Condo
Bar at new Trump TowerVery elegant but oh-so expensive…$50 for 3 drinks!
(Not going back there!)
Rainbow over the City View from our Condo
The requisite sunset picture
Red sky at night
Mele Kalikimaka!I have a tiny artificial Christmas tree that I put up each year
and I decorate it with mini-ornaments.
Here it is reflected in a big mirror in the living room…
Well, that's about it for now...I'm hoping to go snorkeling tomorrow as there is a bay nearby that's supposedly the best for that.
I'll try to post again in a few days.
(Sorry about the quality of some of the photos...they were all taken with my Blackberry)
Monday, December 7, 2009
A Very Special Pictorial Shout Out...to ANONYMOUS
To My Friend "Anonymous"
Who so graciously told me no one gives a shit about my fancy vacation...
And who called me a Rich Bitch...
~Graciela
(sorry...I couldn't resist! lol)
Who so graciously told me no one gives a shit about my fancy vacation...
And who called me a Rich Bitch...
~Graciela
(sorry...I couldn't resist! lol)
Sunday, December 6, 2009
I'm working on it...
I have a really long post in the works, with pictures and everything!!! Chinese restaurants, Diamond Head trek, sunsets, pseudo-artistic crap...you name it, it's on it's way!
But we've been so busy that it's taking me a while to get around to finishing it.
We're off to the Big Island tomorrow, and we have no chores or major activities planned once we get there. So I think I'll have a bit more time to give you the goods.
But we've been so busy that it's taking me a while to get around to finishing it.
We're off to the Big Island tomorrow, and we have no chores or major activities planned once we get there. So I think I'll have a bit more time to give you the goods.
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
Rich Bitch???
"So you are having a fancy vacation, who gives a shit. Rich bitch."
So what's up with that comment? I was a bit taken aback when I read it…why would someone say something so nasty to someone they don't even know?
I'm such a sucker for criticism that I actually spent yesterday feeling bad. But as the day went on, I started to get pissed. I didn't feel as if I was bragging when I wrote my last post, but apparently "Anonymous" was offended.
"Anonymous" has no knowledge of my life and the fact that my hub and I work our asses off just so we can take a special vacation. "Anonymous" has no idea that we discussed canceling our vacation this year because of the economy and because hub's business isn't doing as well as previous years. And I'm sure "Anonymous" would be surprised to see us pour through the Entertainment Coupon Book so we can go out for a nice dinner while we're here.
Yes, my hub and I are very lucky, and we have a bit more than many people do…but nothing we have was ever given to us. We have worked hard for it, and we are thankful for what we have.
Rich Bitch…yeah sure. "Anonymous," I may be a bitch, but I sure as hell ain't rich.
And if you don't want to hear about my "fancy" vacation, then don't read my blog.
So what's up with that comment? I was a bit taken aback when I read it…why would someone say something so nasty to someone they don't even know?
I'm such a sucker for criticism that I actually spent yesterday feeling bad. But as the day went on, I started to get pissed. I didn't feel as if I was bragging when I wrote my last post, but apparently "Anonymous" was offended.
"Anonymous" has no knowledge of my life and the fact that my hub and I work our asses off just so we can take a special vacation. "Anonymous" has no idea that we discussed canceling our vacation this year because of the economy and because hub's business isn't doing as well as previous years. And I'm sure "Anonymous" would be surprised to see us pour through the Entertainment Coupon Book so we can go out for a nice dinner while we're here.
Yes, my hub and I are very lucky, and we have a bit more than many people do…but nothing we have was ever given to us. We have worked hard for it, and we are thankful for what we have.
Rich Bitch…yeah sure. "Anonymous," I may be a bitch, but I sure as hell ain't rich.
And if you don't want to hear about my "fancy" vacation, then don't read my blog.
Sunday, November 29, 2009
I'M BACK!
Have you missed me??? Since I've been blogging, this is the longest I've ever gone without posting or even reading anyone else's blog.
I've been on vacation since last Friday…Hub and I are in Hawaii until December 14.
I've been on vacation since last Friday…Hub and I are in Hawaii until December 14.
Friday night view from our condo
The weather has been off and on nice and then not so nice. It rained a lot today and was very windy, so we went to church (a beautiful Catholic church, Cathedral of our Lady of Peace, in downtown Honolulu...here's a picture of the interior) and then did some shopping.
After my last post, I was so rushed getting everything done at work and home; and then getting ready to leave. Then once we got here, I just wanted to clear my mind and vegetate. I've been just enjoying doing not much…reading, sleeping late, walking miles and taking exercise classes at the park next door…with a bunch of 80 year olds who are much more limber and agile than I am!
After my last post, I was so rushed getting everything done at work and home; and then getting ready to leave. Then once we got here, I just wanted to clear my mind and vegetate. I've been just enjoying doing not much…reading, sleeping late, walking miles and taking exercise classes at the park next door…with a bunch of 80 year olds who are much more limber and agile than I am!
Since I've been trying to focus on the other fun aspects of a vacation, rather than just the food and drink, my eating has been quite good (yogurt and cereal for breakfast; salads, fish, etc for lunch and dinner; no desserts or sweets except for an occasional piece of macadamia nut candy) and I've had hardly anything alcoholic to drink in a week…which is very unusual for me. With the exception of Thanksgiving…we went down the hall to dinner at some friends…where I ate kind of crazy, and I paid for it big time that night and the next day. Sick sick sick…stay-near-the-bathroom sick. I guess when you eat like a monk for weeks, and then eat like a pig, your stomach is gonna rebel.
Before we left home, I weighed on Friday morning, and the scale said 169.5. First thing the next morning, I weighed 171.4 on the scale here in the condo. Since scales are so fickle, I figured it was within the margin of error, and I've taken that 171.4 and used it as my baseline. Yesterday morning, I still weighed 171.4. That's an unprecedented occurrence...lol!!!
Our friend from San Francisco is flying in tomorrow and he'll be hanging out with us for the remainder of the trip, so we'll probably be partying a bit more than before. Still, I think I can keep it under control…and if I slip up a little, I won't get obsessive about it.
I'll try to post a bit more in a day or two and visit some of my blogging friends.
Aloha!
(P.S. for anyone wondering about B, he's staying with Olive and Kermit, where he's being thoroughly spoiled by my friend Pam. I sure do miss him, but it's kind of nice not to have any responsibilities.)
Before we left home, I weighed on Friday morning, and the scale said 169.5. First thing the next morning, I weighed 171.4 on the scale here in the condo. Since scales are so fickle, I figured it was within the margin of error, and I've taken that 171.4 and used it as my baseline. Yesterday morning, I still weighed 171.4. That's an unprecedented occurrence...lol!!!
Our friend from San Francisco is flying in tomorrow and he'll be hanging out with us for the remainder of the trip, so we'll probably be partying a bit more than before. Still, I think I can keep it under control…and if I slip up a little, I won't get obsessive about it.
I'll try to post a bit more in a day or two and visit some of my blogging friends.
Aloha!
(P.S. for anyone wondering about B, he's staying with Olive and Kermit, where he's being thoroughly spoiled by my friend Pam. I sure do miss him, but it's kind of nice not to have any responsibilities.)
Friday, November 13, 2009
169
169...just a number.
169...the number I saw on the scale this morning.
184...the number I saw at this same time last year.
168...the number I've wanted to see for several years.
169...pretty close to the number I've wanted to see for several years.
I'm close, and this time I've done it without starvation or other destructive, disordered eating practices.
It's been a gradual...oh so gradual...process.
Therapy...
Anti-depressants...
Reaching out to my friends in the blogosphere...
Exercise and eating in moderation (yes, just simply exercising and eating in moderation!!! Who would have thunk it???)...
Has gotten me SOOOO close to that number that has eluded me for SOOOO many years.
This time...I feel as if I will be able to maintain this weight.
This time...I feel that even if I gain back a little, I won't panic.
This time...I may have found the solution for me.
169...the number I saw on the scale this morning.
184...the number I saw at this same time last year.
168...the number I've wanted to see for several years.
169...pretty close to the number I've wanted to see for several years.
I'm close, and this time I've done it without starvation or other destructive, disordered eating practices.
It's been a gradual...oh so gradual...process.
Therapy...
Anti-depressants...
Reaching out to my friends in the blogosphere...
Exercise and eating in moderation (yes, just simply exercising and eating in moderation!!! Who would have thunk it???)...
Has gotten me SOOOO close to that number that has eluded me for SOOOO many years.
This time...I feel as if I will be able to maintain this weight.
This time...I feel that even if I gain back a little, I won't panic.
This time...I may have found the solution for me.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
A Celebration of Life
On Sunday, November 8, one of our firefighters died after a long battle with cancer. He was not someone I personally knew very well, but I do work closely with several of his good friends. So the sadness of his passing was very real to me because of the pain I knew they were experiencing. He had a rare kind of cancer, and was only 43 when he died.
Yesterday, I was privileged to participate in the full fire department tribute which was part of the memorial service. The fire service has many traditions and rituals, and this is just one of them. This was truly one of the most special days of my life. So although I’m usually very cautious about giving out too much personal information on this blog, I really want to share this experience with those of you who follow me regularly.
Terence was a member of a crew from Station 21. So Engine 21, draped in mourning bunting, lead the procession through our city to the Temple B'nai Torah which was in a neighboring city. I was in the second vehicle behind E21. It was amazing and touching to look in the rear view mirror and see all the flashing red lights that seemed to go for miles.
The service at the Temple was very sad...as I'm sure you can imagine, his parents and children are devastated. At the same time, it was so uplifting. The camaraderie and caring of the members of the fire service reminded me why I love my job. Some firefighters came from hundreds of miles away, even from Canada. The service was a celebration of Terence's life.
RIP Terence...your brothers and sisters in the fire service will miss you.
Yesterday, I was privileged to participate in the full fire department tribute which was part of the memorial service. The fire service has many traditions and rituals, and this is just one of them. This was truly one of the most special days of my life. So although I’m usually very cautious about giving out too much personal information on this blog, I really want to share this experience with those of you who follow me regularly.
Terence was a member of a crew from Station 21. So Engine 21, draped in mourning bunting, lead the procession through our city to the Temple B'nai Torah which was in a neighboring city. I was in the second vehicle behind E21. It was amazing and touching to look in the rear view mirror and see all the flashing red lights that seemed to go for miles.
The service at the Temple was very sad...as I'm sure you can imagine, his parents and children are devastated. At the same time, it was so uplifting. The camaraderie and caring of the members of the fire service reminded me why I love my job. Some firefighters came from hundreds of miles away, even from Canada. The service was a celebration of Terence's life.
RIP Terence...your brothers and sisters in the fire service will miss you.
Friday, November 6, 2009
"Clean Bill of Health!" TMI to follow...
Every year for the past several years, during my annual physical, I've promised my doctor that I'd get a colonoscopy (a recommendation for any member of the over-50 crowd). After this year's physical in June, I finally did make the appointment for November 5.
I completely (conveniently?) forgot about it until they called me on Tuesday to remind me. Too late to back out...so I spent Wednesday night and Thursday morning doing the requisite clean-out for the procedure yesterday afternoon. That was quite an unpleasant experience (nothing but clear liquids for 24 hours prior, the stuff you have to drink to clean you out was sicky-icky...and you have to drink a whole freakin' gallon of it...and then the urgent running, Running, RUNNING, to the bathroom became tiresome). But the procedure itself was a breeze…I slept through it. Better living through chemistry.
The doc gave me a "clean bill of health," which was great. Even better...because everything was clear, unless I start having some kind of worrisome symptoms, I don't have to have that procedure again for TEN years!
And I lost 2.5 lbs! LOL…I know, it'll be back in a day or two…but it was fun to see the number 170 on the scale.
After hub brought me home, I scarfed down a sandwich, some yogurt, two pieces of fruit, and an ice cream bar (like I said, I've probably already gained back whatever I lost), then I spent the rest of the afternoon and evening sleeping. I couldn't stay awake. I'd be sitting watching TV and the next thing I'd know it was an hour later. This happened about 6 times, no doubt a result of the drugs still in my system. We had a huge storm last night…Wind, thunder, roaring rain, and B barking…and I barely even woke up for that.
But today, I'm feeling great. I took B to the park earlier and now I'm on my way to Curves…catch you all later.
I completely (conveniently?) forgot about it until they called me on Tuesday to remind me. Too late to back out...so I spent Wednesday night and Thursday morning doing the requisite clean-out for the procedure yesterday afternoon. That was quite an unpleasant experience (nothing but clear liquids for 24 hours prior, the stuff you have to drink to clean you out was sicky-icky...and you have to drink a whole freakin' gallon of it...and then the urgent running, Running, RUNNING, to the bathroom became tiresome). But the procedure itself was a breeze…I slept through it. Better living through chemistry.
The doc gave me a "clean bill of health," which was great. Even better...because everything was clear, unless I start having some kind of worrisome symptoms, I don't have to have that procedure again for TEN years!
And I lost 2.5 lbs! LOL…I know, it'll be back in a day or two…but it was fun to see the number 170 on the scale.
After hub brought me home, I scarfed down a sandwich, some yogurt, two pieces of fruit, and an ice cream bar (like I said, I've probably already gained back whatever I lost), then I spent the rest of the afternoon and evening sleeping. I couldn't stay awake. I'd be sitting watching TV and the next thing I'd know it was an hour later. This happened about 6 times, no doubt a result of the drugs still in my system. We had a huge storm last night…Wind, thunder, roaring rain, and B barking…and I barely even woke up for that.
But today, I'm feeling great. I took B to the park earlier and now I'm on my way to Curves…catch you all later.
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
So You Think You Can Dance...
No, I don't think I can dance, but it's obvious that Kathryn and Legacy can...this is from last night's show.
Wow...just wow.
This was the absolute best dance of the show last night..I also think it is wonderful that Kathryn is not super skinny or anorexic...she's a beautiful, strong young woman.
Wow...just wow.
This was the absolute best dance of the show last night..I also think it is wonderful that Kathryn is not super skinny or anorexic...she's a beautiful, strong young woman.
Trauma World is in the Past...Get Over It!
First of all, I'd like to thank everyone for all the encouraging comments I got on my last post. With each comment I received, I felt better and better.
When I saw Dr D yesterday, the first thing I said to her was…"Boy, am I glad to see you!" I immediately told her what had happened in Baltimore, and how, in spite of my best efforts, I had succumbed to the siren call of C-A-N-D-Y. She was able to help me figure out what happened.
Dr D has come to refer to the abuse I experienced as a child as "Trauma World." Unfortunately, I've spent much of my adult life periodically revisiting TW in my mind. When I'm at home and work, where I've come to feel relatively in control and competent and respected, TW recedes.
But it comes back with a vengeance at various times... It's why I always want to binge after I visit my mom. And even as an adult, I still have so much fear of rejection that I honestly expect people I don't know very well to laugh at me if I say, for example…"Hey, want to go to dinner?" And I still have a lot of anxiety about eating in front of people. So I'm back in TW.
Since I didn't have my normal support system with me in Baltimore, I listened to those nasty old TW voices telling me I'm a piece of shit…and instead of socializing with my peers at the conference, I isolated and tried to find comfort in my tried and true old "friend"…THE BINGE.
Now that I have a better understanding and awareness of what happened, Dr D is helping me work on coping mechanisms for the next time I have to attend a conference out of town.
One thing she suggested was journaling. I'm not much into that, but I got to thinking about writing a blog post, which in my mind is kind of like journaling. Since I wasn't comfortable connecting with people at the conference (from whom I expect rejection), I could have connected with my blogging friends (from whom I know I will get acceptance) by writing a blog post. That would have been worth a try…it would have been better than bingeing, but at the time it didn't occur to me to use blogging as a substitute for candy. Next time, I'll think about it before I binge..not saying it will work completely, or even work at all…but it's worth a try.
Another thing I need to work on is to not be so self-critical, and to be kind to myself when I do slip up. I'm often still in that "all or nothing" perfectionist mode. I need to work on realizing that one slip doesn't mean I'm worthless, and I can actually have "some" candy. Candy is not bad in and of itself…it's the bingeing on candy that's bad. The idea of actually allowing myself some candy is a bit foreign to me, but it's starting to make more sense.
And finally…Dr D really wants me to try to put myself out there with people I don't know…not necessarily anything huge, but baby steps. Since I'm so uncomfortable in social situations, I need to try to chit chat with people, or invite someone to coffee. I need to realize that most people are NOT going to reject me or laugh at me. The fact is, most people are nice and accepting and friendly. (For god's sake, this isn't high school!)
Well, that's about it for now…I'm so glad to be home.
When I saw Dr D yesterday, the first thing I said to her was…"Boy, am I glad to see you!" I immediately told her what had happened in Baltimore, and how, in spite of my best efforts, I had succumbed to the siren call of C-A-N-D-Y. She was able to help me figure out what happened.
Dr D has come to refer to the abuse I experienced as a child as "Trauma World." Unfortunately, I've spent much of my adult life periodically revisiting TW in my mind. When I'm at home and work, where I've come to feel relatively in control and competent and respected, TW recedes.
But it comes back with a vengeance at various times... It's why I always want to binge after I visit my mom. And even as an adult, I still have so much fear of rejection that I honestly expect people I don't know very well to laugh at me if I say, for example…"Hey, want to go to dinner?" And I still have a lot of anxiety about eating in front of people. So I'm back in TW.
Since I didn't have my normal support system with me in Baltimore, I listened to those nasty old TW voices telling me I'm a piece of shit…and instead of socializing with my peers at the conference, I isolated and tried to find comfort in my tried and true old "friend"…THE BINGE.
Now that I have a better understanding and awareness of what happened, Dr D is helping me work on coping mechanisms for the next time I have to attend a conference out of town.
One thing she suggested was journaling. I'm not much into that, but I got to thinking about writing a blog post, which in my mind is kind of like journaling. Since I wasn't comfortable connecting with people at the conference (from whom I expect rejection), I could have connected with my blogging friends (from whom I know I will get acceptance) by writing a blog post. That would have been worth a try…it would have been better than bingeing, but at the time it didn't occur to me to use blogging as a substitute for candy. Next time, I'll think about it before I binge..not saying it will work completely, or even work at all…but it's worth a try.
Another thing I need to work on is to not be so self-critical, and to be kind to myself when I do slip up. I'm often still in that "all or nothing" perfectionist mode. I need to work on realizing that one slip doesn't mean I'm worthless, and I can actually have "some" candy. Candy is not bad in and of itself…it's the bingeing on candy that's bad. The idea of actually allowing myself some candy is a bit foreign to me, but it's starting to make more sense.
And finally…Dr D really wants me to try to put myself out there with people I don't know…not necessarily anything huge, but baby steps. Since I'm so uncomfortable in social situations, I need to try to chit chat with people, or invite someone to coffee. I need to realize that most people are NOT going to reject me or laugh at me. The fact is, most people are nice and accepting and friendly. (For god's sake, this isn't high school!)
Well, that's about it for now…I'm so glad to be home.
Friday, October 30, 2009
In the Pits
The last few weeks have been a real test of my new approach to life…as the saying goes, you win some and you lose some. And boy when I lose it, I really lose it. I'm actually kind of embarrassed and ashamed to even write this post.
I was doing really well up until I left for Baltimore on Monday. Of course during the trip, my whole routine was screwed up. I've spent the last few days in hearings and meetings that lasted most of the day, and on Wednesday we were actually working from 8 a.m. to 9 p.m. with only a few short breaks. I've also spent the last few days eating mostly fast food and then drinking too much after the day's work. And in spite of my best intentions, I didn't work out at the hotel gym even once.
But the worst of all was, I binged at night in my room...candy mostly, that I'd buy in the hotel gift store. For some reason, I was feeling so compulsive, I couldn't stop myself from buying the candy. The only positive thing is I didn't make myself throw up. Thought about it but didn't. Yeah, I know, TMI. But this used to be my MO…eat tons of candy, and then get rid of it. It would have been easy in the privacy of my hotel room. So that was progress, I guess? On the third straight night in a row of visiting the gift shop, I did get very self conscious because I figured the guy at the cash register must be wondering what one person was going to do with all that candy. But it didn't stop me, I still bought it.
I didn't sleep at all last night for fear of oversleeping and missing my 4:50 a.m. airport shuttle to catch a 6:50 a.m. flight back to Seattle. By the time I got home this afternoon, I was pretty much a wreck.
So I spent the afternoon sleeping from sheer exhaustion, although I did take B to the park for a little while. Also turns out, hub had been really sick while I was gone, although he didn't say anything to me because he didn't want me to worry. He actually had thought he was having a heart attack because he was having chest pains and sweating…but he went to the doctor and had some tests done, and it turns out it was some sort of stomach problem. Although he joked that he had a pain in his heart because he missed me so much…awwww.
I'm sorry I haven't been following anyone's blogs, so I sure hope everyone is doing okay. I'll try to catch up this weekend. As for myself, I feel kind of defeated and sad right now, but I'm glad to be home, and I intend to get back on track right away. Tomorrow I'm going to have a good workout, and eat right and drink tons of water. I have a session with Dr D on Monday, which I'm looking forward to. I hope she'll help me get some perspective on why I failed to maintain control, especially since I wasn't expecting it at all.
It's not good that I fall apart so badly whenever I get out of my routine or comfort zone. Why do I still struggle, especially when I think I've got it figured out? Why do I still have these crazy thoughts and the urge to binge and purge? I really thought I was over that shit...that it was going to be different this time.
I really wanted it to be different this time.
I was doing really well up until I left for Baltimore on Monday. Of course during the trip, my whole routine was screwed up. I've spent the last few days in hearings and meetings that lasted most of the day, and on Wednesday we were actually working from 8 a.m. to 9 p.m. with only a few short breaks. I've also spent the last few days eating mostly fast food and then drinking too much after the day's work. And in spite of my best intentions, I didn't work out at the hotel gym even once.
But the worst of all was, I binged at night in my room...candy mostly, that I'd buy in the hotel gift store. For some reason, I was feeling so compulsive, I couldn't stop myself from buying the candy. The only positive thing is I didn't make myself throw up. Thought about it but didn't. Yeah, I know, TMI. But this used to be my MO…eat tons of candy, and then get rid of it. It would have been easy in the privacy of my hotel room. So that was progress, I guess? On the third straight night in a row of visiting the gift shop, I did get very self conscious because I figured the guy at the cash register must be wondering what one person was going to do with all that candy. But it didn't stop me, I still bought it.
I didn't sleep at all last night for fear of oversleeping and missing my 4:50 a.m. airport shuttle to catch a 6:50 a.m. flight back to Seattle. By the time I got home this afternoon, I was pretty much a wreck.
So I spent the afternoon sleeping from sheer exhaustion, although I did take B to the park for a little while. Also turns out, hub had been really sick while I was gone, although he didn't say anything to me because he didn't want me to worry. He actually had thought he was having a heart attack because he was having chest pains and sweating…but he went to the doctor and had some tests done, and it turns out it was some sort of stomach problem. Although he joked that he had a pain in his heart because he missed me so much…awwww.
I'm sorry I haven't been following anyone's blogs, so I sure hope everyone is doing okay. I'll try to catch up this weekend. As for myself, I feel kind of defeated and sad right now, but I'm glad to be home, and I intend to get back on track right away. Tomorrow I'm going to have a good workout, and eat right and drink tons of water. I have a session with Dr D on Monday, which I'm looking forward to. I hope she'll help me get some perspective on why I failed to maintain control, especially since I wasn't expecting it at all.
It's not good that I fall apart so badly whenever I get out of my routine or comfort zone. Why do I still struggle, especially when I think I've got it figured out? Why do I still have these crazy thoughts and the urge to binge and purge? I really thought I was over that shit...that it was going to be different this time.
I really wanted it to be different this time.
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
A "New" Me
A while ago, I had a picture taken with a famous person. This person is someone I admire a lot, so I was thrilled to have the opportunity to have my picture taken with him. As I've blogged before, I've always been quite photogenic. But because of getting older, my appearance in this particular photographic didn't please me. It wasn't a bad photograph, it was actually pretty good in general. I smiled nicely and my teeth and hair looked nice.
But of course the first thing I honed in on was the wrinkles which have started to appear on my face. The odd thing is, the picture didn't look like I "FEEL." I actually feel very young and happy, especially since I've been in therapy, working on my body image, and learning to accept myself. Still, lately it's always a bit of a shock when I see current photos of myself...I just think I look so OLD! I really wanted to frame this particular picture, and display it in our home, but I've put it off. I just was not happy with the photograph.
So the other day, hub asked me why I hadn't had the picture printed and framed so we could display it. I rather sheepishly told him the reason was that I felt I didn't look very good in the picture. He kind of rolled his eyes and said it was a great picture, what the heck was I worried about? Okay, that's fine for him to say that, but I wanted that picture to be PERFECT.
Lately I've signed up to follow a blog called Photoshopdisasters. It's a real hoot and they show some hilarious examples of poorly photoshopped advertisements, like the Ralph Lauren ad where they made the woman so skinny with a huge head and she looked deformed. Still, it got me to thinking…yup, you guessed it, I decided to see if I could get the photo Photoshopped! I found a website called Phoowa.com, uploaded the picture with the simple instructions "remove wrinkles and double chin from woman's face." Within one day I received a small photoshopped picture "on approval" from "Steve"...after I paid a mere $4 by Paypal, he sent me the larger version.
So here's a little glimpse of what was done...
This is the original version
This is the photoshopped version
(I wish I could show you the whole picture as
it's remarkable how young I look in this version! LOL!)
When I got the photo back, not only had Steve made me look good, he had corrected some minor reddish blemishes on the famous person's face. We both looked great!
The next day I said to hub, "Do you remember that photo that I wasn't happy with?" Of course he did. So I showed him the new version and asked if he noticed anything different. He really couldn't figure out what I was talking about, which was good, because it meant it wasn't fake looking or a "photoshop disaster." So then I showed him both photos side by side and then asked him what he thought. He said "WOW~ the second picture looks like you got a facelift!" He thought it was pretty cool.
So, until I can afford a "real" facelift…for $4 I can have a temporary photo facelift whenever I want! Just having that new picture has made me excited now to get the photo printed and framed for display.
So...What do you think? Do you think I'm being superficial? I probably do need to keep working on aging gracefully and being less focused on my appearance. So please be honest...I really do want to know what you think...was this a crazy, vain thing to do?
P.S. Thank you to those who suggested how to fix my font problems. It definitely was due to the new version of Word I was using. So I typed this post in "TextEdit" and it came out really well.
But of course the first thing I honed in on was the wrinkles which have started to appear on my face. The odd thing is, the picture didn't look like I "FEEL." I actually feel very young and happy, especially since I've been in therapy, working on my body image, and learning to accept myself. Still, lately it's always a bit of a shock when I see current photos of myself...I just think I look so OLD! I really wanted to frame this particular picture, and display it in our home, but I've put it off. I just was not happy with the photograph.
So the other day, hub asked me why I hadn't had the picture printed and framed so we could display it. I rather sheepishly told him the reason was that I felt I didn't look very good in the picture. He kind of rolled his eyes and said it was a great picture, what the heck was I worried about? Okay, that's fine for him to say that, but I wanted that picture to be PERFECT.
Lately I've signed up to follow a blog called Photoshopdisasters. It's a real hoot and they show some hilarious examples of poorly photoshopped advertisements, like the Ralph Lauren ad where they made the woman so skinny with a huge head and she looked deformed. Still, it got me to thinking…yup, you guessed it, I decided to see if I could get the photo Photoshopped! I found a website called Phoowa.com, uploaded the picture with the simple instructions "remove wrinkles and double chin from woman's face." Within one day I received a small photoshopped picture "on approval" from "Steve"...after I paid a mere $4 by Paypal, he sent me the larger version.
So here's a little glimpse of what was done...
This is the original version
This is the photoshopped version
(I wish I could show you the whole picture asit's remarkable how young I look in this version! LOL!)
When I got the photo back, not only had Steve made me look good, he had corrected some minor reddish blemishes on the famous person's face. We both looked great!
The next day I said to hub, "Do you remember that photo that I wasn't happy with?" Of course he did. So I showed him the new version and asked if he noticed anything different. He really couldn't figure out what I was talking about, which was good, because it meant it wasn't fake looking or a "photoshop disaster." So then I showed him both photos side by side and then asked him what he thought. He said "WOW~ the second picture looks like you got a facelift!" He thought it was pretty cool.
So, until I can afford a "real" facelift…for $4 I can have a temporary photo facelift whenever I want! Just having that new picture has made me excited now to get the photo printed and framed for display.
So...What do you think? Do you think I'm being superficial? I probably do need to keep working on aging gracefully and being less focused on my appearance. So please be honest...I really do want to know what you think...was this a crazy, vain thing to do?
P.S. Thank you to those who suggested how to fix my font problems. It definitely was due to the new version of Word I was using. So I typed this post in "TextEdit" and it came out really well.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
I'm having issues...
...Blogger issues. I used to type up my post in a Word document, and then cut and paste into a new post. But lately...For some reason, when I try to create a post like that, Blogger gives me a weird error message about Html not being allowed (or something like that) when I try to publish. It changes all the text to some weird combo. Big and small, dark and light, different fonts.
Maybe it's the new version of Word I'm using on my new computer. Whatever it is, it's all very strange and totally annoys the perfectionist in my soul.
So if you've seen some strange text combinations in my recent posts, it's not the result of a schizophrenic state of mind (no offense to schizophrenics)...it's all Blogger's fault.
I shall try to figure out what's up with that...in the meantime, please just read the words, don't judge the appearance.
Maybe it's the new version of Word I'm using on my new computer. Whatever it is, it's all very strange and totally annoys the perfectionist in my soul.
So if you've seen some strange text combinations in my recent posts, it's not the result of a schizophrenic state of mind (no offense to schizophrenics)...it's all Blogger's fault.
I shall try to figure out what's up with that...in the meantime, please just read the words, don't judge the appearance.
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Two kind of tests...VPN and ECLNP
I learned a new term today... VPN...Virtual Private Network. I’m sure some of you techies out there knew what that meant. I, on the other hand, had no clue. The term has been tossed around at work for the last month, but I never bothered to figure out what the letters meant until I got ready to write this post.
VPN meant I got to work from home today and it was just like being at work! They did a City-wide test today and had about 20 of us stay home to test the system. If there is an emergency (like a pandemic or a snowstorm) and people can't get to work or have to stay away because they're sick, they can work at home.
Anyway, the test went well and the system worked great. I was able to sleep late because all I had to do was get out of bed and walk into the living room to start work. I sat at my laptop with my morning coffee, and my desktop on my laptop looked just like my desktop on my office PC. I didn’t even have to get out of my sweats all day. And I got to be home with B, and over my “lunchtime” we went to the park. Since I was home, we had to go. B didn’t understand that mom was working… then I also took some time to do my ab workout on TV.
Yep, this is my kind of job, except I think you have to be really dedicated to be able to work from home every day. And I did kind of miss the interaction with co-workers and customers.
Food and exercise has been pretty good this week. Again, I’ve been doing 5 days a week, and it’s really making a difference in both my body and my attitude. But the second test came on Sunday.
We had some friends over for a brunch, and hub fixed a lovely meal. That wasn't the test...this was: Our friends brought a gift…not flowers, not wine…no, they brought a huge white chocolate jack-o-lantern from Costco. (I wish I had taken a picture, it was quite beautiful.)
I don’t eat regular chocolate but I love white chocolate, and this was really GOOD white chocolate. I couldn’t resist…I broke that sucker up and ate a couple of pieces the minute they left . Then hub took it and melted it into almond bark. YUM! Then I broke it up into small pieces and I've been allowing myself 2 small pieces each night after dinner. Not so much "allow" in the sense that I can only have 2 small pieces or I’ll go berserk. But because I’m trying to lose weight, I do need to limit what I’m eating. And 2 small pieces seems like a normal serving and fits into my food plan.
I’m really surprised I’m being so disciplined. Even being home all day, I didn’t think about it (much) until after dinner.
I keep asking myself lately…Who is this person??? Someone who can eat white chocolate in a normal way. Someone not obsessing on it or eating it all until it’s gone. I want to keep this calm, happy person around.
So that was the second test...ECLNP (Eating Chocolate Like a Normal Person)! lol (As JC would say, I crack myself up.)
The fearful, angry, critical voices in my head seem to be further away and quieter each day. It seems as if I don’t need to quiet them with food anymore. It feels really good. Yes, normal feels good.
Saturday, October 10, 2009
A good stomach ache?
In spite of my vow recently to work out 6 days a week, when this week is over, I’ll have exercised 5 days. Same last week and the week before. I’m starting to think that maybe 5 days is okay. I haven’t felt burned out at all, and I actually look forward to exercising.
I’ve been spending a lot of time at Curves. I usually go on my way home from work, and I usually do 45 minutes to an hour there (vs. the “normal” 30 minute circuit). The thing I really like is that I can stay additional time on any one machine as long as I don’t interfere with the routine of someone else. That’s usually not too difficult as because there are rarely more than 4 or 5 other ladies working out; sometimes I’m the only one. So I’ve been doing extra upper body work…there are about 6 upper body machines, and I usually will do extra time on each one. I've heard some people complain that Curves is monotonous, and I can understand that if you do the same thing every time; but I don’t.
Yesterday, I took B to the park and I wogged (walked/jogged) around for about 30 minutes. After I got home, I felt like I still needed to do something else. It occurred to me that doing one of the “on demand” exercise shows on TV might be interesting. I’ve never tried any of them, so what the heck, it will be fun, right?
Ha ha...
I picked out a 12 minute program called “6 pack abs.” I’m in pretty good shape, so this should be a piece of cake, right?
Ha ha ha...
To be truthful, it wasn’t too bad WHILE I was doing it.
This morning I could barely get out of bed.
I don’t know the technical name for all the muscles in the midsection…suffice it to say that each and every one felt like it was on fire.
So…what better way to loosen up those sore muscles than to do the same routine again? And what the heck...let’s add on12 minutes of “buns and thighs."
BIG MISTAKE...
I’m so sore right now, it’s an effort to breathe much less get up off the couch. Just goes to show you, if you don’t target certain muscle groups, they don’t get exercised. I’m hoping if I do this another couple of days in a row, it won’t hurt so much by next weekend.
In the meantime, please don’t ask me to get up off the couch...unless you want to see a grown woman cry.
~Graciela
172.5
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Got Sleep?
I’ve been having an amazing experience with my eating and working out over the last few weeks. In spite of all the stress I’ve been under, I’m still doing great. I don’t know what’s happening/happened to me, but I just hope it keeps up. Sometimes I’m afraid to believe it’s real…
I just found out I’m going to Baltimore for a conference October 27-30. Due to budget constraints, I was asked to make the trip as inexpensive as possible for my City. I had to make my own travel arrangements and I’ll get reimbursed after the trip. I went on Expedia and I’m amazed at the price of trips…I got round trip from Seattle to Baltimore, and 3 nights at the Sheraton near the Inner Harbor (near the Convention Center) for $525. (I could have actually gotten something for around $400, or even a bit less, but I was a little leary of the one-and-a-half star hotel that was offered at that price...lol)
I just found a quote from a study about sleep, and I need to take my own advice:
If you want to lose weight, experts say you need to get enough sleep. Specifically, researchers have reported that women who sleep 5 hours or less per night generally weigh more than women who sleep 7 hours per night.
So…goodnight!
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
I'm still around
Sorry I’ve been away…I’ve missed everyone so much. I feel so out of sorts when I don’t get my blogging fix. I’m hoping to get a chance to visit everyone in the next day or so. I had to spend a few days at my mom's house helping her with some things, so no internet. Then my 5 year old Mac laptop started acting up.
Here’s a quick update:
The good news is my neck is much better…thank you everyone for asking. The bad news is that now the right side of my jaw has been hurting badly, I think from the braces because I find myself clenching my jaw a lot. I had a massage this afternoon, and now I'm putting ice on it. I have an orthodontic appt next week, so I'll discuss it with my doc then.
As for my computer problems, my laptop had been doing some weird things, none of them good...Sometimes I’d turn it on, and I could hear it running, but the screen would be blank. Then it started going dark while I was working on it. I'd have to turn it off and back on...
Now, on a completely different subject...I'd like your opinion on a situation that happened to me last night (and sorry, this story is kind of long drawn out and boring, so bear with me...)
I’m a volunteer member of my neighborhood Citizen Advisory Committee (CAC). I'm one of 10 citizens and we work with a lady from our City's planning dept. Not to get too much into the details, but we’re in the process of writing a neighborhood plan, which is basically a "vision" of what we'd like to see our neighborhood look like over the next 5 to 20 years. We've been meeting every other Monday for 3 hours in the evening (from 6 – 9 p.m.)
Most neighborhoods complete their plans in about a year. Not my committee..we are well into our second year and still several months from completing. The reason is that there are a few people on the committee who like to hear themselves talk. They argue, ruminate, question, go off on tangents, and basically just talk...Talk...TALK...until I’m ready to freakin' SCREAM. The chairperson tries to keep the meeting focused, but to be honest, he is one of the biggest offenders. I’ve brought the issue up a couple of times, both in private to the chairperson, and in our meetings (in a nice way, of course). It doesn’t seem to do much good.
I had a particularly harrowing day at work yesterday…and I’d been up since 4:30 a.m. to get to work early, because I knew I had to leave my office early to get to the meeting on time. The committee has a set amount of work we should be finishing each week, but we are way behind because of the talkers. We’re trying to prepare for an open house next week, at which we're going to present what we've done so far to our neighbors, so we had to complete everything last night.
About 9 o’clock, we were still trudging away and no where near being finished with what we needed to accomplish last night. This had been a typical meeting and at that point I was already exhausted. Then one of the talkers started splitting hairs about something totally stupid. All of a sudden I felt like I was having an-out-of-body experience. It was like I was watching myself do this: I got up from my chair, put on my coat, picked up my notebook, and quietly said to nobody in particular...”I just can’t do this anymore.” Then I left the room without a backward glance and drove home.
(BTW, I wasn't meaning "I can't do this anymore ever." I just meant I couldn't do it anymore that night. But I don't know if they knew that.)
Most of the people involved are retired, so I maybe they have a lot more energy for wasting time than I do, or a lot more tolerance for BS. All I could think was…”I’m missing Dancing with the Stars for THIS??"
I was SO worked up by the time I got home that it took me an hour to calm down. My husband knows some of the people (including the talkers) and knows how they are, so I was ranting and raving to him and scaring the dog.
So, my question is…was I out of line? How much are people supposed to put up with before they are allowed to get angry? All day I kept thinking of whether to apologize to the group, or talk to the chairperson (again), or the City representative, or just tender my resignation.
Then, I (we...all the members) got an email today from the City rep, which said:
Thank you for your suggestions last evening; your continued dedication to the neighborhood planning process is exemplary.
In only a few months, we’ll deliver the plan to the City officials and begin work toward adoption. Please know that the City truly appreciates your work and many look forward to the resulting plan. I want to highlight a special attribute of your CAC: all ten members remain committed to the neighborhood and to the process. I look forward to continuing my connection to the neighborhood throughout implementation of your upcoming plan.
This seems like she was trying to tell us (me) that she knows how frustrating this process has been; and who knows what was said after I left last night. I know I'm not the only one on the committee who has issues with the way it's being run.
Seriously...what do you think I should do?
1. Don't mention it again and go on like nothing happened?
2. Apologize to the group?
3. Talk to the chairperson and/or City rep again?
4. Tender my resignation?
5. Or something I haven't thought of?
I hate being in this situation.
~Graciela
173.5
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