I'M BACK!

Have you missed me??? Since I've been blogging, this is the longest I've ever gone without posting or even reading anyone else's blog.

I've been on vacation since last Friday…Hub and I are in Hawaii until December 14.

Friday night view from our condo

The weather has been off and on nice and then not so nice. It rained a lot today and was very windy, so we went to church (a beautiful Catholic church, Cathedral of our Lady of Peace, in downtown Honolulu...here's a picture of the interior) and then did some shopping.

After my last post, I was so rushed getting everything done at work and home; and then getting ready to leave. Then once we got here, I just wanted to clear my mind and vegetate. I've been just enjoying doing not much…reading, sleeping late, walking miles and taking exercise classes at the park next door…with a bunch of 80 year olds who are much more limber and agile than I am!

Since I've been trying to focus on the other fun aspects of a vacation, rather than just the food and drink, my eating has been quite good (yogurt and cereal for breakfast; salads, fish, etc for lunch and dinner; no desserts or sweets except for an occasional piece of macadamia nut candy) and I've had hardly anything alcoholic to drink in a week…which is very unusual for me. With the exception of Thanksgiving…we went down the hall to dinner at some friends…where I ate kind of crazy, and I paid for it big time that night and the next day. Sick sick sick…stay-near-the-bathroom sick. I guess when you eat like a monk for weeks, and then eat like a pig, your stomach is gonna rebel.

Before we left home, I weighed on Friday morning, and the scale said 169.5. First thing the next morning, I weighed 171.4 on the scale here in the condo. Since scales are so fickle, I figured it was within the margin of error, and I've taken that 171.4 and used it as my baseline. Yesterday morning, I still weighed 171.4. That's an unprecedented occurrence...lol!!!

Our friend from San Francisco is flying in tomorrow and he'll be hanging out with us for the remainder of the trip, so we'll probably be partying a bit more than before. Still, I think I can keep it under control…and if I slip up a little, I won't get obsessive about it.

I'll try to post a bit more in a day or two and visit some of my blogging friends.

Aloha!

(P.S. for anyone wondering about B, he's staying with Olive and Kermit, where he's being thoroughly spoiled by my friend Pam. I sure do miss him, but it's kind of nice not to have any responsibilities.)

169

169...just a number.

169...the number I saw on the scale this morning.

184...the number I saw at this same time last year.

168...the number I've wanted to see for several years.

169...pretty close to the number I've wanted to see for several years.

I'm close, and this time I've done it without starvation or other destructive, disordered eating practices.

It's been a gradual...oh so gradual...process.

Therapy...

Anti-depressants...

Reaching out to my friends in the blogosphere...

Exercise and eating in moderation (yes, just simply exercising and eating in moderation!!! Who would have thunk it???)...

Has gotten me SOOOO close to that number that has eluded me for SOOOO many years.

This time...I feel as if I will be able to maintain this weight.

This time...I feel that even if I gain back a little, I won't panic.

This time...I may have found the solution for me.

A Celebration of Life

On Sunday, November 8, one of our firefighters died after a long battle with cancer. He was not someone I personally knew very well, but I do work closely with several of his good friends. So the sadness of his passing was very real to me because of the pain I knew they were experiencing. He had a rare kind of cancer, and was only 43 when he died.

Yesterday, I was privileged to participate in the full fire department tribute which was part of the memorial service. The fire service has many traditions and rituals, and this is just one of them. This was truly one of the most special days of my life. So although I’m usually very cautious about giving out too much personal information on this blog, I really want to share this experience with those of you who follow me regularly.



Terence was a member of a crew from Station 21. So Engine 21, draped in mourning bunting, lead the procession through our city to the Temple B'nai Torah which was in a neighboring city. I was in the second vehicle behind E21. It was amazing and touching to look in the rear view mirror and see all the flashing red lights that seemed to go for miles.

The service at the Temple was very sad...as I'm sure you can imagine, his parents and children are devastated. At the same time, it was so uplifting. The camaraderie and caring of the members of the fire service reminded me why I love my job. Some firefighters came from hundreds of miles away, even from Canada. The service was a celebration of Terence's life.

RIP Terence...your brothers and sisters in the fire service will miss you.

"Clean Bill of Health!" TMI to follow...

Every year for the past several years, during my annual physical, I've promised my doctor that I'd get a colonoscopy (a recommendation for any member of the over-50 crowd). After this year's physical in June, I finally did make the appointment for November 5.

I completely (conveniently?) forgot about it until they called me on Tuesday to remind me. Too late to back out...so I spent Wednesday night and Thursday morning doing the requisite clean-out for the procedure yesterday afternoon. That was quite an unpleasant experience (nothing but clear liquids for 24 hours prior, the stuff you have to drink to clean you out was sicky-icky...and you have to drink a whole freakin' gallon of it...and then the urgent running, Running, RUNNING, to the bathroom became tiresome). But the procedure itself was a breeze…I slept through it. Better living through chemistry.

The doc gave me a "clean bill of health," which was great. Even better...because everything was clear, unless I start having some kind of worrisome symptoms, I don't have to have that procedure again for TEN years!

And I lost 2.5 lbs! LOL…I know, it'll be back in a day or two…but it was fun to see the number 170 on the scale.

After hub brought me home, I scarfed down a sandwich, some yogurt, two pieces of fruit, and an ice cream bar (like I said, I've probably already gained back whatever I lost), then I spent the rest of the afternoon and evening sleeping. I couldn't stay awake. I'd be sitting watching TV and the next thing I'd know it was an hour later. This happened about 6 times, no doubt a result of the drugs still in my system. We had a huge storm last night…Wind, thunder, roaring rain, and B barking…and I barely even woke up for that.

But today, I'm feeling great. I took B to the park earlier and now I'm on my way to Curves…catch you all later.

So You Think You Can Dance...

No, I don't think I can dance, but it's obvious that Kathryn and Legacy can...this is from last night's show.



Wow...just wow.

This was the absolute best dance of the show last night..I also think it is wonderful that Kathryn is not super skinny or anorexic...she's a beautiful, strong young woman.

Trauma World is in the Past...Get Over It!

First of all, I'd like to thank everyone for all the encouraging comments I got on my last post. With each comment I received, I felt better and better.

When I saw Dr D yesterday, the first thing I said to her was…"Boy, am I glad to see you!" I immediately told her what had happened in Baltimore, and how, in spite of my best efforts, I had succumbed to the siren call of C-A-N-D-Y. She was able to help me figure out what happened.

Dr D has come to refer to the abuse I experienced as a child as "Trauma World." Unfortunately, I've spent much of my adult life periodically revisiting TW in my mind. When I'm at home and work, where I've come to feel relatively in control and competent and respected, TW recedes.

But it comes back with a vengeance at various times... It's why I always want to binge after I visit my mom. And even as an adult, I still have so much fear of rejection that I honestly expect people I don't know very well to laugh at me if I say, for example…"Hey, want to go to dinner?" And I still have a lot of anxiety about eating in front of people. So I'm back in TW.

Since I didn't have my normal support system with me in Baltimore, I listened to those nasty old TW voices telling me I'm a piece of shit…and instead of socializing with my peers at the conference, I isolated and tried to find comfort in my tried and true old "friend"…THE BINGE.

Now that I have a better understanding and awareness of what happened, Dr D is helping me work on coping mechanisms for the next time I have to attend a conference out of town.

One thing she suggested was journaling. I'm not much into that, but I got to thinking about writing a blog post, which in my mind is kind of like journaling. Since I wasn't comfortable connecting with people at the conference (from whom I expect rejection), I could have connected with my blogging friends (from whom I know I will get acceptance) by writing a blog post. That would have been worth a try…it would have been better than bingeing, but at the time it didn't occur to me to use blogging as a substitute for candy. Next time, I'll think about it before I binge..not saying it will work completely, or even work at all…but it's worth a try.

Another thing I need to work on is to not be so self-critical, and to be kind to myself when I do slip up. I'm often still in that "all or nothing" perfectionist mode. I need to work on realizing that one slip doesn't mean I'm worthless, and I can actually have "some" candy. Candy is not bad in and of itself…it's the bingeing on candy that's bad. The idea of actually allowing myself some candy is a bit foreign to me, but it's starting to make more sense.

And finally…Dr D really wants me to try to put myself out there with people I don't know…not necessarily anything huge, but baby steps. Since I'm so uncomfortable in social situations, I need to try to chit chat with people, or invite someone to coffee. I need to realize that most people are NOT going to reject me or laugh at me. The fact is, most people are nice and accepting and friendly. (For god's sake, this isn't high school!)

Well, that's about it for now…I'm so glad to be home.